You seem to be looking for a level of affirmation from me that I'm not able to give. The thing is, we all choose words and actions, at least sometimes, that even our most ardent supporter can't be "on our side" about. (In this case: as if there's a war going on between you and our daughter and I have to choose sides.) Those who love us best will help us see the other side, the part we missed. (That's probably where I most failed you. I should be the one who helps you understand. I'm sorry.) The situation with our granddaughter's biological father was an example, recent enough to probably still be pretty fresh for you. I suspect that we still don't see eye-to-eye concerning your initial actions there, and that situation may be part of why last night was so distressing for you.
In this case, I clearly agree with our daughter that it would have been better had you not told her daughter that her mom's current boyfriend isn't technically her stepdad, and that it would have been better for you to discuss this with our daughter. I know that you were technically correct and that you didn't intend for it be a big deal; I understand the context and that this was a toss-off thought for you. At the same time, I don't agree that our daughter was out of line in how she expressed this to you, except by the medium; I thought her text was pretty reasonably stated, for a text on a topic like this.
But here's the crux: regardless of whether you meant for it to be, or whether it should have been, or how innocent your intentions were (and please know this: I completely understand that you intended no malice or judgment), this was a big enough deal for our granddaughter that she discussed it with her mom.
So, just as you so rightly teach our grandkids, when we hurt others, even unintentionally, we need to stop defending ourselves and apologize for it. It makes things much worse when we try to defend our own thoughts and innocence rather than apologize for the hurt that resulted. Our conversation would have been very different had you been able to say, "I guess I stuck my foot in my mouth today," or even, "I apologized to our daughter today even though I don't really think I should have had to," instead of being so adamant that you didn't do anything wrong and that no one had cause to be upset.
I'm sorry that I've made you feel that I don't have your back. That issue is way older than this, and goes back to the judgment I used to heap on you all the time to prop up my own self-image. But that history also doesn't change this truth. The fact is that you often commit emotional faux pas; it is just a part of who you are that you don't realize how your words might come across. But I love you, and when you do this I will continue to love you, but will not act as if what you've done or said is okay. The best I can do is to help you know that my love for you isn't going to waver. I hope that's good enough for you.
But here's the crux: regardless of whether you meant for it to be, or whether it should have been, or how innocent your intentions were (and please know this: I completely understand that you intended no malice or judgment), this was a big enough deal for our granddaughter that she discussed it with her mom.
So, just as you so rightly teach our grandkids, when we hurt others, even unintentionally, we need to stop defending ourselves and apologize for it. It makes things much worse when we try to defend our own thoughts and innocence rather than apologize for the hurt that resulted. Our conversation would have been very different had you been able to say, "I guess I stuck my foot in my mouth today," or even, "I apologized to our daughter today even though I don't really think I should have had to," instead of being so adamant that you didn't do anything wrong and that no one had cause to be upset.
I'm sorry that I've made you feel that I don't have your back. That issue is way older than this, and goes back to the judgment I used to heap on you all the time to prop up my own self-image. But that history also doesn't change this truth. The fact is that you often commit emotional faux pas; it is just a part of who you are that you don't realize how your words might come across. But I love you, and when you do this I will continue to love you, but will not act as if what you've done or said is okay. The best I can do is to help you know that my love for you isn't going to waver. I hope that's good enough for you.
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