Today's words

cicatrix /ˈsi-kə-ˌtriks, sə-ˈkā-triks/ (plural cicatrices /ˌsi-kə-ˈtrī-(ˌ)sēz, sə-ˈkā-trə-ˌsēz/) - 1. a scar resulting from formation and contraction of fibrous tissue in a wound  2.  a mark resembling a scar especially when caused by the previous attachment of an organ or part (such as a leaf)

I'm pretty sure that, if I ever encounter this word again, it is going to cross me up unless it is surrounded by a lot of contextual clues.

wideawake /ˌwīd-ə-ˈwāk/ - 1. a soft felt hat with a low crown and a wide brim  2.  sooty tern

I can't imagine running across this one without enough context to distinguish between the very different meanings. The trick for me, with this word, will be putting the emphaSIS on the right syllaBLE. (I keep wanting to put the stress where it would be in the normal pronunciation of those two words.)

Pretty sure . . .

. . . that this is the first time I've ever spread the urushiol from poison ivy contact in the shower before getting it all washed off.

This is unpleasant in a way that significantly greater exposures have not been.

I will now spare the dear reader any further details.

National lacrosse champions!

I'd nearly given up hope of ever seeing the Terp men win a title. I was not yet a lacrosse fan when they won their last one, in 1975. They'd gotten close so often and come away empty handed in 20 final fours and 9 championship games. They were so very close last year. And when the Buckeyes pulled back within 2 goals late, it looked like even Coach Tillman was thinking, "Here we go again!" But they held strong for the victory, and the drought has finally come to an end!

This, of course, isn't my victory. I had nothing to do with it. But I still am enjoying it, along with another title by the women's team this year.

Aside from that: what a nice weekend. Good yard work - which comes with a touch of poison ivy again this year. Going to have to watch out for that the rest of the season. Nice bike ride. Honored our fallen warriors. Now just need to get into training for that triathlon and try to get my tri shorty bought. Not sure the budget is going to allow for that, but we'll see . . .

I've been thinking all weekend . . .

. . . , well, about two things really, but one of them is private and I've already shared it with the appropriate person. The other is a complicated thought about Memorial Day, and one I want to be a little careful with.

So many civilians approach veterans this weekend with well-intended gratitude for their service, but that isn't what this weekend is about. It's for those who gave their very lives in service of their country, and no, giving up family time and all the other things that come with military service, short of the ultimate sacrifice, are not the same thing. Please, this day out of all the year is not the one to thank veterans for our service. It is the time, though, to share in our profound sadness for our friends who are no longer with us because they died defending our nation. They are too often forgotten, and even this weekend that is allegedly dedicated to remembering them itself too often distracts from that. I think that Memorial Day would have been better left observed on May 30, so that at least some years it wouldn't be more of an excuse for a mini-vacation than a day-long opportunity to pause and remember.

But this weekend, I find myself thinking of those who lost their lives not as a direct result of in-theater action, or of preparing for such, but in the aftermath of such service. In particular, I've been thinking of my dad. In truth, I'll probably never know how accurate my thoughts are, but they are good for me to consider anyway. And these thoughts are the ones I want to be careful of.

I'm sure I've written about dad's problems before. As long as I can remember, my adoptive father was an alcoholic who never really accepted me for who I was, unequipped as I was to recreate his glory days of youthful athletic excellence. I was fourteen when he took his own life.

But dad was also a veteran of the Korean Conflict, an Army vet who was shot in battle. And it has only recently occurred to me to wonder how much this had to do with the rest of his life, including his broken marriages and relationships, his self-medication with alcohol, and his suicide. There is a much greater focus today on how trauma ravages the psyche long after it is experienced, a truth that I know first-hand due to an entirely different set of circumstances from those affecting most veterans. Back in my dad's day, the stigma associated with perceived weakness likely made the struggle in some ways more difficult. To whom was a veteran to turn for support?

Is this why dad turned to the bottle? I will never know. Is this, at least in part, why he took his life? Likewise, a mystery.

I know that there is a danger in recognizing among the heroes we remember this weekend those many veterans who die by their own hands after returning home. I realize that glorifying suicide is a dangerous thing for those who struggle in the same battle every day. We shouldn't do anything to make this option look more attractive to them. We should find other ways to support and help them. But this weekend, I think it might be good for us to quietly remember those broken men and women whose "ultimate sacrifice" may not have been so obvious, and silently thank them, too, for their service to our nation, without doing it in a way that ever encourages others to seek that end to their own battle.

Dad, thank you for giving your life for my freedom.

Today's words

First, several from the Dictionary Devil puzzle:

aplite /ˈa-ˌplīt/ - a fine-grained light-colored granite consisting almost entirely of quartz and feldspar

A word that should always be taken for granite.

pluvial /ˈplü-vē-əl/ - 1a.  of or relating to rain  b.  characterized by abundant rain  2. of a geologic change : resulting from the action of rain

We've had a quite pluvial May in these parts. This word continues to chase me to the online dictionary whenever I encounter it.

petrel /ˈpe-trəl, ˈpē-/ - any of numerous seabirds (especially families Procellariidae and Hydrobatidae); especially :  one of the smaller long-winged birds that fly far from land — compare storm petrel

Based on its etymology, I'm guessing that the second pronunciation is a variation based on the word's current spelling.

limpid /ˈlim-pəd/ - 1a. marked by transparency (see transparent 1) :  pellucid  - limpid streams
b.  clear and simple in style - limpid prose  2.  absolutely serene and untroubled

Funny thing: the closest I've been to the second definition in a very long time was the night I thought I might be dying. 

Finally, a new WOTD:

inanition /in-uh-NISH-un/ - 1. the exhausted condition that results from lack of food and water
2. the absence or loss of social, moral, or intellectual vitality or vigor

I am certain that I've encountered this word before, and known what it meant from context. Perhaps the relationship with inane will help me to recall it should I run into it again, but I'm concerned it will just throw me off.

Continued

You seem to be looking for a level of affirmation from me that I'm not able to give. The thing is, we all choose words and actions, at least sometimes, that even our most ardent supporter can't be "on our side" about. (In this case: as if there's a war going on between you and our daughter and I have to choose sides.) Those who love us best will help us see the other side, the part we missed. (That's probably where I most failed you. I should be the one who helps you understand. I'm sorry.) The situation with our granddaughter's biological father was an example, recent enough to probably still be pretty fresh for you. I suspect that we still don't see eye-to-eye concerning your initial actions there, and that situation may be part of why last night was so distressing for you. 

In this case, I clearly agree with our daughter that it would have been better had you not told her daughter that her mom's current boyfriend isn't technically her stepdad, and that it would have been better for you to discuss this with our daughter. I know that you were technically correct and that you didn't intend for it be a big deal; I understand the context and that this was a toss-off thought for you. At the same time, I don't agree that our daughter was out of line in how she expressed this to you, except by the medium; I thought her text was pretty reasonably stated, for a text on a topic like this.

But here's the crux: regardless of whether you meant for it to be, or whether it should have been, or how innocent your intentions were (and please know this: I completely understand that you intended no malice or judgment), this was a big enough deal for our granddaughter that she discussed it with her mom.

So, just as you so rightly teach our grandkids, when we hurt others, even unintentionally, we need to stop defending ourselves and apologize for it. It makes things much worse when we try to defend our own thoughts and innocence rather than apologize for the hurt that resulted. Our conversation would have been very different had you been able to say, "I guess I stuck my foot in my mouth today," or even, "I apologized to our daughter today even though I don't really think I should have had to," instead of being so adamant that you didn't do anything wrong and that no one had cause to be upset.

I'm sorry that I've made you feel that I don't have your back. That issue is way older than this, and goes back to the judgment I used to heap on you all the time to prop up my own self-image. But that history also doesn't change this truth. The fact is that you often commit emotional faux pas; it is just a part of who you are that you don't realize how your words might come across. But I love you, and when you do this I will continue to love you, but will not act as if what you've done or said is okay. The best I can do is to help you know that my love for you isn't going to waver. I hope that's good enough for you.

Our never-ending dynamic

I often hear you explain to our grandchildren how they need to apologize when they hurt one another, even if their intention wasn't hurtful, even if the harm was accidental. 

This often applies to us, too.

Kind of pleased, actually . . .

. . . that, despite thoughts to the contrary, I feel confident of continuing to live as I am called, by God's grace, despite the parts of me that might not want to . . . 

Plot-shifting dream

In my dream, a high school friend posted on FB that she was having an ongoing affair with me, and that the sex was good despite being the only thing she'd ever want me for because of our political differences. (The thing is, this HS friend doesn't really exist; in my dream, she was also friends with another HS friend who actually does exist.) My wife saw this post, and was just as angry and hurt as you'd expect. I was apologetic, and at first in my dream I had only been intimate with her once, but at least had the sense not to offer that as a justification. As the dream evolved, I hadn't slept with her at all, and could prove this, but couldn't get my wife to believe the incontrovertible evidence. I awoke from my dream feeling very poorly about myself, as if the accusation had been true.

If I could know that this pain was yours, and that my feeling it means that you don't have it any more, I would willingly take it to the grave with me. 

Yes, I know how ridiculous that thought is.

Today's word

peccable /ˈpek-ə-bəl/ - liable or prone to sin :  susceptible to temptation

Most everyone is familiar with the "flawless" sense of this word's negation, impeccable; I imagine most modern readers are probably as unfamiliar as I was with the first definition and even the part before the colon in the second. However, I'd never considered that peccable was also a word until I read this Words at Play post. Had I encountered it outside this post, I would have assumed that it meant something like "capable of becoming flawed or corrupted." 

peccant /ˈpe-kənt/ -  1. guilty of a moral offense :  sinning  2. violating a principle or rule :  faulty

I was equally unfamiliar with this word. I am, sadly, all too familiar with this condition, though.

Last night

I just had to lay down for a couple hours after working late and missing my planned swim. I couldn't have done the swim anyway without a wetsuit. That was only one part of it, though.

falling

sometimes it feels like i'm endlessly falling

falling 

falling into shapeless, empty blackness

and it feels as if self-loathed failure is the only thing

the only familiar thing

that keeps me from plunging irretrievably into the darkness

love

even God's abundantly merciful love

doesn't feel real

i have to believe in it 

i have to reach for it

i have to proclaim it anyway

despite my feelings 

despite my failures

despite my doubt

despite its improbability

i must love as i am called

lest i fall farther faster and darker

i must offer hope

and grab just a little of that lifeline for myself 

as i cast it toward the people i love



God please keep speaking hope and love through this shattered vessel

Today's words

From a couple of Dictionary Devil puzzles:

barranca /bə-ˈraŋ-kə/ - 1.  a deep gully or arroyo with steep sides 2.  a steep bank or bluff

sternutation /ˌstər-nyə-ˈtā-shən/ - the act or sound of sneezing

winze /ˈwinz/ - a steeply inclined passageway in a mine

And a familiar, to me, WOTD today:

peregrinate /PAIR-uh-gruh-nayt/ - 1. to travel especially on foot : walk  2. to walk or travel over : traverse

I wrote a poem once, that I can't seem to find right now, which included the line, "Strong chains do bind this peregrine heart." 

My heart longs . . .

. . . yea, faints for the courts of the Lord; my heart and flesh sing for joy to the living God. - Ps 84: 2 (RSV)

Without academic study on the matter, I tend to side with those who believe this psalm is post-Davidic, and that its references to God's house were originally to the temple. A Christian's longing is for the eternal home in heaven, but this psalm probably originally referred to the temple.

On my unusual Saturday night, in which I thought there might be a chance that I was dying, this verse was true for me as I trusted in God's care. I think the peacefulness I felt about things was rooted in my long desire to go to the place He has prepared for me, even though I was prepared to wake someone to take me to the hospital if I thought I needed to go. In this moment, it was easy to want to live in God's will, to love according to His plan for me, to set aside both unclean thoughts and misconceptions about the nature of my being.

Such things are more challenging when I believe I'm probably in the 18th mile of this marathon (not that I know about this flawed analogy firsthand) rather than in the last half mile. You see, there is still a part of me that longs wrongly, as well, to veer off and go some other way than the course that is mine to run, or to just skip to the end, bypassing the anticipated grueling miles ahead.

I probably need prayer - both yours, dear reader, and my own time with the One who loves me most - more in daily living than I will need them in my time of dying . . . at least, if I manage to walk in God's grace between now and then, I am hopeful that might be the case. Meanwhile, please pray that I will long for God's presence in the here and now rather than desiring to rush into eternity.

From an Easter sermon

The whole thing is worth reading  (from today's Office of Readings) but here's the conclusion of a sermon by St. Maximus of Turin, bishop:

And so, my brothers, each of us ought surely to rejoice on this holy day. Let no one, conscious of his sinfulness, withdraw from our common celebration, nor let anyone be kept away from our public prayer by the burden of his guilt. Sinner he may indeed be, but he must not despair of pardon on this day which is so highly privileged; for if a thief could receive the grace of paradise, how could a Christian be refused forgiveness?

Today's word

supposititious /suh-'pah-zuh-TISH-us/ -  1a. fraudulently substituted : spurious  b. (of a child) falsely presented as a genuine heir : illegitimate  2a. imaginary  b. of the nature of or based on a supposition : hypothetical

The 2b definition is the one I supposed (see what I did there?) when I saw this new WOTD, but the 1a and 1b definitions make more sense based on its etymology. Before I apply the 1b definition to myself based on reading too broadly the part following the colon, I should realize that I have never presented myself, nor been presented, as an heir of my unmet biological father, nor as a rival to his "legitimate" offspring.

"Bastard" still feels true, though. Must remember the truth:

My name is "Child of the One True King"! 

The weekend

What a whirlwind of blessings.

Mrs. tg's oldest sister and her husband arrived on Thursday evening. We just hung out, as they'd already eaten. Friday after work we went to our oldest's to have pizza together, from which I had to go the first Friday healing mass. I thought I'd worked out the logistics, but there was one bag I forgot to have my wife bring to me, so I had to go home first. I walked in the door just as it was time for me to start playing and singing, basically, which I hate, but it went pretty well. Headed home afterwards and hung out for the rest of the evening. Had a Saturday morning meeting to attend, which brought forth some unresolved conflicts that are going to have to be dealt with once the other person involved doesn't insist that she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Afterward was a couple hours to relax followed by some errands to buy food for Sunday's lunch party, finished just in time to go to Saturday evening's party at our friends' house.

I wasn't able to stay long at first, because I'd volunteered to cover the singing at mass for a friend who thought he was going to have to be out of town for a family emergency, Since that situation took an unexpectedly pleasant turn to the less urgent, I was able to return to the party sooner than anticipated. It was a great time with old friends. When the wife was ready to leave before me for another chore she needed to take care of at the church, we agreed that I'd walk home; after all, I'd walked there, and it would be downhill going back!

Just before I left, our friends' daughter unexpectedly arrived. It was nice to see her, we've cycled several hundred miles together. Not knowing who might read this, I don't feel at ease explaining how this brought me back to an old reality. It wasn't anyone's fault, but it still put me in a decidedly negative frame of mind. I waited a few more minutes and made my round of goodbyes, then headed home, where we hung out again the rest of the evening, until we called it a night. In the morning I made breakfast, then went to 10:30 mass, after which we made final food preparations for the afternoon get together before picking up the cake and our granddaughter from our daughter's, returning to church for our granddaughter's First Communion. It is such a privilege to be able to minister in music for these special events in my grandchildren's lives. The service was wonderful, the party afterward was also very nice. And we got everything taken care of in time to attend our oldest daughter's graduation from the community college that evening. A late supper afterward brought the fabulous weekend to a wonderful close, although not without some additional tense moments.

Truth

How can a weekend so full of so many blessings have one moment in it that seizes the focus and insists, "See? That will always be the truth about you"?

Today's words

dhole /ˈdōl/ - a wild dog (Cuon alpinus) occurring from India to southern Siberia that typically hunts in packs and often preys on large animals (such as deer and antelope)

vitrify /ˈvi-trə-ˌfī/ - to convert into glass or a glassy substance by heat and fusion; to become vitrified

Both words courtesy of the Dictionary Devil, from separate puzzles. I expected the second to be related to vitriol, and it clearly is, but not in the sense I was thinking of.

Isolation

I couldn't tell you. You probably don't remember your half of where we were, which might not have been in your consciousness even then, given its on-again-off-again nature over those 5 years and three states. You still don't know my half, and it probably isn't important that you do. It may have been an understandable reaction to you, but more likely was just another example of how poorly I loved you; in either case, I'm still embarrassed by my lack of judgment and ashamed of my actions.

I certainly wasn't going to tell you. The last thing in the world I ever want to do is remind you of your own loss and pain. But know this: as long as I live and my mind functions, I will be thinking of (and praying for) you on (and around) those three dates every year.

I've never been one to observe death anniversaries, and yesterday it was as if 29 years of them crashed into me at once. It didn't bring me any sense of closeness to you, though, the way your memory usually does. It just made me feel alone in the world, as the only one out of 7.5 billion people (depending on whose population estimate we believe) on the planet who was remembering that you'd been here and that yesterday was the day you left. You deserve better.

Today's words

canopic jar /kə-ˈnō-pik-, -ˈnä-/ - a jar in which the ancient Egyptians preserved the viscera of a deceased person usually for burial with the mummy

splanchnic /ˈsplaŋk-nik/ - of or relating to the viscera :  visceral

How odd, I thought, that these two viscera-related words - both of which were new to me - would be in the most common lookups today when the WOTD was "visceral." Then I saw why.

One in 7.5 billion knows what today is

At least I know I'm never going to stop missing you . . . 
(if you're reading this, I'm not talking to you.)
(I mean, it might be true of you, too . . . oh, never mind.)

So today . . .

. . . and probably tomorrow, I am welcoming sadness, with more than a little loneliness in it. There is also a bit of self-judgment over that, given that she still deserves better, but that is okay as it finally leads to warm memory.

Something to be a little careful of . . .

. . . and yet to consider:

The Guest House
Rumi

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.