Prayers for a friend having surgery today

Sure, it's minor. But that doesn't make it insignificant. Wish I could do more to help with logistics.

Slept quite poorly last night . . .

. .. and feeling quite drowsy this morning as a result.

Today's word

shunpike /SHUN-pyke/ - a side road used to avoid the toll on or the speed and traffic of a superhighway

I was really hoping that the etymology of this word would be more interesting than the word's lack of mystery might suggest. Indeed. I think I knew, though, that toll roads predated automobiles by quite a long time. 

Nice weekend . . .

. . . mostly helping a friend via cooking, but also had a good swim workout and had some nice grandchildren time.

"Four"

What is: "The number of occasions since Sunday that my wife has chosen entertainment that she knows I 'don't like' (from 'mildly disdain' to 'practically rage against'), either while I was present or when she knew I was going to be."

Well, the Jeopardy answer might actually be "Five," but I don't remember Tuesday well enough.

Looming failure

actually, i have failed already; i just didn't "finish failing," as i tend to think of it. i'm resisting, but not with all i have and not fully relying on my Savior. i'm believing the lies that my failure is inevitable and that this self-indulgent pleasure is desirable, instead of renouncing them.

Stupid brain.

18 days? Really? Is that all the chastity and determination you have? you

Weak excuse of a man.

let me take this moment, then: in the Name of Jesus, i renounce the lie that i will inevitably fail at walking in holiness, and the lie that the pleasure i have sought my whole life is desirable; in the Name of Jesus, i repent of impure thoughts and fantasies, and of self-pleasure; in the Name of Jesus i renounce the spirits of bisexuality, carnality, adultery; in the Name of Jesus, i embrace the truth that i am weak, and i lean on His strength to accomplish in me what i have been unable to accomplish for myself; in the Name of Jesus, i break the hold of any spirit with which i have ever participated in these areas that i have renounced, and i command them to leave right now and never return, in the Authority of Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior.

I hate it when . . .

. . . my tinnitus sounds like Morse code in my ear. (It's driving me about crazy right now. Just shifted tones, too, but got quieter, at least.)

. . . the restroom stalls are taken.

. . . I have stupid feelings that I have to be alone with.

Today's word

distaff /DISS-taff/ - 1a. related through a mother  b. inherited or derived from the female parent  2. female

I've heard some say that Jewish lineage was passed down this way, though I haven't ever really investigated this. I have encountered this word before, and it seems as if I must have known its meaning once, but I didn't recall it.

Damn. You really left a hole. Hope you're well.

Sometimes I wish . . .

. . . I could scrub my brain of all that has polluted it, but especially that which was of my own volition.

. . . that, instead of renouncing impure thoughts, I could just not have them.

. . . I was a simpler man.

. . . I had never been born. 

. . . I would die. (Sorry, dear reader. These two are both true, though, sometimes, though not nearly as often as they used to be. I don't, however, ever wish I could kill myself.)

. . . my faith were stronger. 

. . . that I could go back in time . . . 

Today's word

protean /PROH-tee-un/ - 1. of or resembling Proteus in having a varied nature or ability to assume different forms  2. displaying great diversity or variety : versatile

I'd seen this word before, and heard of the sea god from which it derives. But I never knew its exact meaning, as I'd only encountered it on a couple occasions when I didn't have time to look it up. I think I thought it meant something akin to "nascent." Nor was I familiar with Greek mythology to be aware of Proteus' prophetic or shape-shifting characteristics. Nice WOTD, m-w site. 

Some days are better than others

Just when I'm doing well in one area, along comes my old companion, despair, in another, to nearly undo me. Thank you, God, for preserving me from temptation.

How close I came . . .

I actually jerked the wheel, a bit, on the highway - enough for the car's path to wobble.

Resisted temptation grows stronger

I've observed before that yielding to a temptation reduces its apparent strength. Once the adversary has us, there's no need to keep us uncomfortable; he'd rather let us settle snugly into our sin. I've also pointed out that therefore no one has ever known the full power of temptation like Jesus, who never yielded to it. In my best periods, I have never managed to resist temptation for very long; my former sinfulness was so devastating that everything I deal with since seems almost trivial by comparison, and therefore almost not worth battling against. Having been set free, now I'm basically just clinging to Jesus, and feel like I'm doomed to fail anyway.

Yet I know that these last two sentences contain lies of my adversary that I have believed. I renounce them In the Name of Jesus, and repent of the sin I have used them - indeed, cultivated and embraced them - to commit. I forgive those who have instilled them in me.

Through the decades of my life, I've repeatedly seen with discouraging clarity what I was made of. Lord, please show me what You've remade me of, and let me know the strength You bring to those who rely on You in our weakness.

Resisted temptation may grow stronger, at least for a time . . . but so do we!

Finding His strength in my weakness

Every time I repent, forgive, and renounce in Jesus' authority, and receive the Father's blessing - hey, there's all Five Keys! - I feel free. But I'm still weak in the areas in which I've had to repent, just in the flesh rather than in spiritual bondage. And to the degree that I don't lean on Jesus' strength, my weakness will continue to trip me up. But when I know I'm weak, and renounce the lie that this weakness is something other than what it really is, and ask Jesus to supply the strength that I lack, I find a better answer than just continuing to fall.

It was pretty easy to do this when it was obviously a big deal. It's when we believe the lie that some sins are really no big deal that we fail to be transformed the way that He wants for us, in His perfect Love.

The Lamb's Supper

I am really enjoying this book by Scott Hahn, subtitled The Mass as Heaven on Earth, which I've been wanting to read for so long. His insight into Revelation is really helpful, especially the way he writes as one who attempted to interpret this book in the typically Protestant manner for so long.

When the cool tools . . .

. . . don't work like they're supposed to.

I just wish I knew how to be happier with what I know are my abundant blessings.

Today's words

billet-doux /bill-ee-DOO/ - a love letter

I know I've encountered this word before, but I don't believe I've ever bothered to look up either its meaning or its pronunciation. I have certainly crafted my share of them. For a time, when my heart was in the wrong place, I repeatedly gave it voice in this way in a notebook. I finally realized that I could no longer hold onto the feelings I'd expressed there, and that by doing so I risked hurting the only person to whom I should craft such correspondence. That is a long way of explaining that I have thrown away quite a few of these undelivered, but I believe have crafted and presented more of them to my bride than I have ever written - whether discarded or otherwise - to others.

anchorite /ˈaŋ-kə-ˌrīt/ - a person who lives in seclusion usually for religious reasons

I don't think I've ever heard of this hermit synonym before. I'm a little surprised, though, to read that this word isn't directly related to the one for a ship's anchor. On the one hand, this sort of life appeals to me, should I outlive my bride. On the other, I relish human interaction, so don't believe that I would thrive living like this. It would be too easy to yield to my tendency to self-judgment and self-condemnation.

A thing I don't miss *at all*:

Seeing an ad for an "excellent balance-transfer credit card" and wondering, for at least a moment, whether I should look into it.

Today's word

transpontine /trans-PAHN-tyne/ - 1. situated on the farther side of a bridge 2. (British) situated on the south side of the Thames

This seems as if it could be a useful word. I'm surprised I've never encountered it before. I'm not sure I'll ever use it, but at least I hope to recognize it should I encounter it in the wild. My brain keeps wanting to use the "teen" pronunciation of the last syllable, though. 

Unbound, set free, and sharing it

Gave my testimony at an Unbound conference yesterday, in front of a couple hundred people. I am always amazed by the affirmation I receive afterward. A few people, both men and women, called it "courageous." I don't get that. Afterward, I got a great hug from a friend I've just started praying for. I was so glad she was there; she starts cancer treatment tomorrow. Later, a total stranger walked up to me while I was talking with her husband and gave me a sustained hug, without saying a word. A recovered abuser approached me and thanked me, said he felt more healed and free yesterday than in decades of therapy and working with fellow abusers. Another man asked if he could share my contact information with a recovered abuser he knows who is still really struggling to live with himself.

God will use absolutely anything, if we'll trust Him.

Opioids. I hate opioids.

Drugs, in general, really. After all, it was mainlining speed that caused the staph infection that killed my sister.

This young man's life would have been loss enough even had he not left young children behind.

Temptation, passion, death, and resurrection

(Depending on the translation,) St. Luke says that, after Jesus' temptation in the desert, the devil left him "for a time," or "for a season," or "until an opportune time." (Lk 4:13) I think the vagueness is likely intentional, and a good thing. We know of at least two later times when Jesus felt tempted: before he rebuked Simon Peter, and of course in Gethsemane the night before his death as he fervently prayed (Lk 22:44) that the Father's will would be done rather than his own. (Scripture does not use the term "temptation" to describe these two incidents, so some might balk at thusly portraying them, at least without the qualification that there is no obligation to interpret them as such. Granted.)

I think we are tempted, as we die to ourselves, to want to rise in the same way that we have just allowed God to put part of us to death. Maybe this was the root of Jesus' temptations, too. He had, in a sense, put to death his heavenly glory to walk with us, and in his humanity maybe he faced a nearly constant temptation to take it back up again. In his case, what he'd given up was a good thing.

In our own lives, we're often called to give things up, some that are good along with the bad, for a variety of reasons. Each of them represents a part of dying in Christ, and each comes with a temptation to look with longing on that which the Father has asked and graced us to lay aside to do His will. Every good thing will be restored to us when we are resurrected in Christ, and every bad thing fully burned away. Meanwhile, we must enter our personal passion in the same way as Jesus, offering his prayer to the Father: not my will, but thine be done.

Today's word

peradventure /PER-ud-ven-cher/ - 1. doubt  2. the possibility of a particular outcome in an uncertain situation : chance

Am pretty sure I've encountered this word before, but not for some time now.  Am pretty sure I've mentally mispronounced it with only a secondary accent on the first syllable and the main accent on the penultimate one.

babassu /ˌbä-bə-ˈsü/ - a tall pinnate-leaved palm (Orbignya phalerata synonym O. barbosiana) of Brazil with hard-shelled nuts yielding a valuable oil

And a totally new word from the Dictionary Devil puzzle. I'd have also wrongly emphasized this one.

Yesterday was a good day . . .

. . . , and I have not given sufficient thanks for it. I suppose that might have been, in part, because it didn't start off how I wanted it to. I get two opportunities a month to swim, and I missed one mostly because of poor sleep the night before due to repeated cramping in my feet, likely brought on by my run on Sunday. Since they tend to cramp when I swim, that made the activity seem like as bad an idea as getting up at 5 a.m. did.

Part of why that seemed like an especially bad idea yesterday was the activity that was on tap at work. With ten proposals due this morning by 6 a.m., I knew we'd be busy polishing up some last minute items throughout the day. Indeed, we were. Still, it was my shortest work night since last Thursday, including the weekend, and I'm pleased with our overall efforts while recognizing there are some things we could have done better.

Was worried that the evening might still go south. Got a text from mrs. tg with news of a fountain under the kitchen sink. Turned out to just be a loose fitting.

Then I was able to attend prayer group last night, which always ends up being a blessing.

Thank you, Lord, for your care and Providence.

Today's word

carceral /KAHR-suh-rul/ - of, relating to, or suggesting a jail or prison

I love it when a new (for me) word has a plainly obvious meaning.

A moment to breathe

Ten proposals. One written, nine reviewed. Delivered on time. Technically, thirteen hours early.

Phew.

A boost?

Let's see if there are any endorphins - or endocannabinoids, or whatever mechanism it really is - to speak of in a run of that length . . .

Today's words

luculent /LOO-kyuh-lunt/ - clear in thought or expression

My first thought was that "lucid" is a perfectly satisfactory word for this. Then I read the write-up, and it appears that is a popular opinion. (I was also pretty sure I'd written about this word before.)

grandee /gran-DEE/ - a man of elevated rank or station; especially : a Spanish or Portuguese nobleman of the first rank

As an American, the idea that you must be of a particular rank to address a letter directly to someone is utterly alien to me. But the word's origins explain why I mispronounced it. I've taken the liberty of reducing my pronunciation by one "d."

And stupid, too . . .

Lost my badge, apparently, last night.

Ugly, old, and stupid.

An unguarded moment

Caught myself in front of the mirror earlier.

I've always known that I'm not especially attractive.

Now I'm old, to boot.

Reading between the snippets

and no one dare disturb the sound

though I knew she was sleeping

there is no dark side of the moon, really . . .