A broken moment leads to growth

I spat out the two angry words before taking even a moment to consider their predictable effect. The evening had already gone downhill, as the next round of conflicts with our granddaughters had washed away the glow of the pleasant evening we'd spent watching a movie together. I've seen that my wife's emphasis on placing obedience ahead of virtually every other consideration has not been nearly so effective with our grandchildren as it had been with our daughters - though I wish I'd known then what I do now. In the few chapters I read of The Explosive Child before returning it to the library, I began to get a glimpse of other, less confrontational ways of helping these little ones grow into the people they will become. But it isn't the sort of approach that one person alone can undertake, especially when the children's parents, teachers, and grandmother get so much more time with them than I do. Maybe I could find some support in the school, but at home, no one else bothered to read a word of this intriguing book.

So now our four- and seven-year-old granddaughters were acting up, or rather, out. They were both frustrated at still being with us this evening; mom was supposed to be off work by now, but her relief didn't show up as scheduled. The seven-year-old was the more frustrated one; she'd gotten very little time with her mom that day, just a few minutes after school, in the car, while grandma drove mom to work. Oh yeah: mom is without a car again. 

So even when g-ma was trying to get them to be ready to go when mom was finished working, they were both in conflict mode. And while I agreed that the seven-year-old deserved the timeout she had been assigned, I judge that grandma is sometimes to quick to reach the final straw and call it a night, removing all hope from the child. She surely knew that she'd be asleep before mom was picked up if she was sent to bed for the night, and then she wouldn't get to see her at all! While trying to calm her down so that she could take her timeout, I heard a lot of what she was saying. Some of it, of course, was just a child trying to worm her way out of the trouble she was in, but there were valid roots in some of it. 

So when my wife came up the stairs and started tossing orders my direction, too, I was not especially open to complying, either. That must have been frustrating for her, on top of the conflicts with the grandchildren, but then, I am not a child to be directed in such a way. 

And when she told me, "You're being ridiculous," I felt completely dismissed. My reaction took all of two words which I'm certain made her feel as dismissed and belittled as I did, so maybe I would have spoken them even had I considered them first. But once I said them, I realized almost as they traveled through the air to her ear that we were done for the night. She left in anger. Our granddaughters did their respective times out, then I read to them while we waited for mom to be finished working. G-ma returned so that I could drive them to pick up mom and take them home, and I apologized again for my outburst. I explained the emotional place that it came from without blaming her for it, acknowledging that what I'd said to her was wrong in any circumstances. I picked up our daughter from work, then drove her and the grandchildren home. The dear seven-year-old fell asleep in the car, confirming her own fear that she wouldn't end up with any time with her mom yesterday. 

When I got home, I told my wife that I understood that merely saying that I was sorry wasn't going to make everything okay, and that I respected her need for space from me. She'd told me that she wouldn't have come home last night had I not needed her car to transport so many people. 

At some point in the night I saw and heard her enter the bedroom across the hallway; then she turned the lights out, so I figured that she had decided she didn't want to share the bed with me. I understood. Before much longer, I got up to find her asleep on the sofa and, not wanting to compound the problem by intruding on her space, I grabbed a throw from off of the loveseat and lay down on the living room floor. After a couple hours, I went into the spare bedroom and grabbed a more adequate blanket, and used one of the loveseat cushions as a pillow, so I might sleep more comfortably for my last hour before needing to arise for men's group. 

I got up and showered, and quickly apologized when she sat upright as I turned on the bedroom light. I hadn't heard her move into the bedroom while I was showering. She smiled, and I could tell that she was feeling more accepting of me. I quickly doused the light and dressed, and when I attempted to kiss her cheek or head before leaving as is my custom, she turned and tenderly kissed me on the lips. 

After men's group, she told me that she had tried to come to bed but couldn't get the dog to move. She knew that I knew she was on the sofa, and wondered why I hadn't awakened her to come to bed, as I usually would have. I explained that I was trying to be considerate of her feelings, and she was surprised when I told her where I'd spent the last half of the night.

We have things to work on, here. I still have to figure out why that phrase makes me feel such a strong emotional response. Of course it is a rejection, but there feels like something deep underneath my feelings. I would like for her to see how she dismisses, well, not just me, but pretty much everyone with whom she disagrees. After four decades together, beginning in high school, I have learned that there is very little chance of her offering an understanding apology for any of her own faux pas. Her greater need, though, is probably to be able to set boundaries that have not really been practical for her to establish given our daughter's circumstances, even given that some of those circumstances have been the direct result of our daughter's own decisions. 

It seems clear to me, though, that I am moving on to grow in a new area. It's amazing how fast it happened. I've struggled with purity for so long, and through Abba's Heart God has given me a new and highly effective tool to use in response to those temptations. For the first time, I don't feel like I'm gutting it out against them but destined to fail eventually. My newfound confidence in the Father's joyful love for me is empowering my life. But other areas in which I need to continue to grow are no longer obscured by that long-ensnaring cycle which consumed so much of my attention and energy for so long.

For freedom you have been set free, and that freedom is far deeper and broader than one area of struggle. It isn't as if God just wants to remove a set of handcuffs, so that we can be more comfortable in our leg chains.