This trip has been a bit of a different experience for me. I've missed you, but it hasn't been as acute and anxiety-ridden as in the past. I'm ready to have you home, but my anticipation is tinged with a touch of trepidation. It's true that I'd have eagerly given up this week of independence to be with you and our daughter's family, but also that I enjoyed my time alone more than I have during your past trips - though not nearly enough to make me sorry to see it end! I think there are probably both good and bad reasons behind all of that.
The good is my own growth in the areas we've talked about. I haven't at all felt that I've been chafing in your absence against the temptation to repeat decisions that have hurt you. It has been quite nice to feel confident that I can continue to do as we've agreed, and when fleeting thoughts have arisen, to answer them with our plan against them. It no longer feels like just a matter of time until I fail you again.
As for the negative reasons: rather than dwelling on what I can't do anything about, I'm focusing on what's more within my influence. I'm glad that I finally realized that I need to skip prayer group tonight and, now that I think about it, that there wasn't even the slightest question of whether I want to. I'm not sure you realize that I'd rather spend time with you than on the activities that take me away from you, and how I'm always striving for balance. I turn down many opportunities in ministry and recreation because I don't want to spend more time away from you than I do. Anyway, I hope my decision to bypass the prayer meeting comes as a pleasant surprise for you, and sets the tone for a nice evening together. I know I need to make us a priority regardless of whether you do the same, but I also can't seem to completely ignore a foreboding that you aren't going to. I've decided to acknowledge that feeling but to also try not to create any expectations based on it. Still, I hope I've conveyed how much I think the excess of television time - even spent together - has been hurting us.
(I also hope that slight bitter overtone in the salad of my feelings doesn't turn out to be a spot of organic fertilizer instead, which may be good for the growing but if you don't get it washed off it can be deadly in the eating.)
No comments:
Post a Comment