More doubt

Christ will not say to me what he said to the Jews: You erred, not knowing the Scriptures and not knowing the power of God. For if, as Paul says, Christ is the power of God and the wisdom of God, and if the man who does not know Scripture does not know the power and wisdom of God, then ignorance of Scripture is ignorance of Christ. - St. Jerome

I long for the days when I was confident in my faith, when I knew that God was real and that my faith was well-founded, when I had confidence that the historical accounts of the first apostles had been handed down whole and unfiltered, and that my sin and shortcomings were forgiven and fulfilled by a merciful and loving God.  It isn't that I'm ignorant of the Scriptures.  It's just that I'm ignorant.

The emotional lift I get from praising God, from singing and proclaiming His perfect love: is that real, or is that simply a matter of my brain bathing itself in its own chemicals?

The implications of this question for me, personally, are best left unexamined.

I pretty much hate it when I oversleep and don't have time for prayer in the morning . . .

Not 4 publication

I left our marriage encounter meeting on Saturday feeling reassured and secure.  Faye and Clive hosted and presented; their talk was on The Five Love Languages.  Gary Chapman's basic premise is that too many marriages fail because the way each member expresses their love doesn't align with how their partner best receives it, so they never recharge their respective "love tank."  But it isn't simply a matter of compatibility.  It's just important to know, so we can express our love in the way our partner can best receive it.  It's far easier to make an active decision how to express our love than to recognize and receive it in a way that isn't in our primary or secondary language.

I've been struggling to see how my marriage is going to rebalance in light of establishing a healthy view of the two of us for probably the first time in our lives together.  One of the things that has been a concern to me, the thing at the root of what I've had to be careful how I think about, is how few interests we share in common.  It has been the basis for that niggling thought I've had to put away: if I'd been a healthy young adult (for that matter, had either of us been), I doubt we would ever have been a couple.

But I learned on Saturday that we have the same primary and secondary love languages - though I wonder if that would have been the case had we taken our surveys based solely on our own natural  preferences, unfiltered by what we've learned to prefer in the context of our relationship together.  Still, I found it reassuring: (am going to overuse that word) that there's good reason we've managed to preserve our relationship through so much emotional devastation and despite our very different personalities and interests, and good reason to hope we'll be able to continue to thrive in the future.

So discovering that our coupleness is reinforced by our primary and secondary love language preferences helps me to understand how we've survived all that we have, how we can love each other so much in spite of everything.  Sunday morning we had a wonderful, intimate time together, and considering that 1) "physical touch" is our primary love language, 2) this has been the area of our relationship in which we struggle least, and 3) we were really aware of our need to be quiet for the sake of the others in the house,  that's really saying something.  (Hopefully rather than weirding the reader out, this will encourage you that you have something really nice to look forward to as time goes by.)  We both mentioned it during the day, alluded to it in our dialogue last night, and the mrs. brought up again as we snuggled in bed how wonderfully the day had started.

Then she asked the $64,000 (more, really) question.  I really wish she'd've skipped it.  I answered affirmatively and supportively, and without giving a clue that I've been wondering for months myself about this exact question.

"We're more than that, right?"

So this morning I'm trying to just feel reassured that she'd wonder, too.  Isn't it interesting that we're both pondering this question?  That's something else we have in common, right?

I'm not being facetious with that.  I really think it may be another hopeful thing.  I'm more concerned that I thought it more important to reassure her than to be honest with her.

"Avoid anything in your everyday lives that would be unworthy of the gospel of Christ."  Phil 1:27

This doesn't seem so challenging, does it?

St. Paul and St. Vincent

"Life to me, of course, is Christ, but then death would bring me something more; but then again, if living in this body means doing work which is having good results-I do not know what I should choose. I am caught in this dilemma: I want to be gone and be with Christ, which would be very much the better. "  - Phil 1, 21-23

An internal debate of mine, but in a far better context.  Yet I cannot help but think that St. Paul had the advantage of having overcome his failings. While my worst moments are in my past, they do not fade, nor have I finished yanking out their roots.  I don't like my remaining weakness, sinfulness, addiction to endorphines, whatever term we might wish to use for self-indulgence.  Yet I don't seem to hate it enough, either.

"If a needy person requires medicine or other help during prayer time, do whatever has to be done with peace of mind. Offer the deed to God as your prayer. Do not become upset or feel guilty because you interrupted your prayer to serve the poor. God is not neglected if you leave him for such service. One of God’s works is merely interrupted so that another can be carried out. So when you leave prayer to serve some poor person, remember that this very service is performed for God. Charity is certainly greater than any rule. Moreover, all rules must lead to charity. Since she is a noble mistress, we must do whatever she commands. With renewed devotion, then, we must serve the poor, especially outcasts and beggars. They have been given to us as our masters and patrons." - St. Vincent de Paul

How interesting that this reading and feast day should follow yesterday's gospel reading.  I've far too much in common with the self-indulging rich man, and far too little identification with Lazarus.

Must remember . . .

 . . .  this . . .

Interesting stories

By this standard, if the reader finds me not interesting, it's because you don't know me.

I truly wish I wasn't.

And yet there's plenty to argue with, here, too.  Having read the months of storyline, I disagree that "Gran and Peter made all the wrong decisions," and the ones they did make were not necessarily those the woman in this strip thinks they were.

After some recent time pondering the wrong decisions in my life, I find that the real mistakes really don't take any pondering to recognize.

Complete fraud, or work in progress?

Often my thoughts aren't what they ought to be.
Often my feelings aren't what they ought to be.
By grace, many of my actions may be what they ought to be,
but perhaps not most, and by no means all.

I often don't know who I am,
only know what I ought to be,
and that that is not what I am.

But a friend of a friend has shared the following quote:

I am not what I ought to be. I am not what I want to be.
I am not what I hope to be. But still, I am not what I used to be.
And by the grace of God, I am what I am. 
                                              - John Newton

The renowned reformed slave trader was never more wretched than I have been, and yet grace calls me to a gentleness toward myself that is not in my nature.

A schedule conflict

I feel privileged to be able to minister in music in a faith community that is open to the Lord's work, and that is aware of the awewsome ways He has poured forgiveness and healing and grace into my life.  It's a gift just to be part of such a community, and to able to help them praise God is even more of a blessing.

That said, for the first time I'm feeling a little pressured to do something I'm not sure I'm available for.  This quarterly gathering we've started having was set up for a Wednesday night this time, which is our choir rehearsal night.  It isn't that I can never skip choir, but I can't just do it on a whim.  I'll need to check what is on our music calendar that we're likely to be working on that night.

It is sometimes difficult to know the Lord's will.  But one thing I know: God's will for me is to be faithful to the commitments I've already made in His name.

I know this isn't exactly "cutting myself some slack" . . .

As I take the initial step along the next part of the path to emotional wholeness, I find myself considering a thought that may be dangerous for me, yet may be very important in the bigger scheme of things, and which I'll definitely be discussing with my new counselor:

Aren't there some things that a person can do, after which they should never find it too easy to live with themselves?


I mean, let's suppose a person kills an innocent person.  Not necessarily murder, maybe a tragic accident or mistake.  If that event fades too far into the fabric of the rest of their life, and becomes just another part of who they are but doesn't really continue to affect them on a regular basis, what does that say about how seriously they really take the value of life?

The way I've couched this completely theoretical example, this obviously isn't what I deal with, and I'm obviously not inclined to share my actual situation here.  My former therapists certainly stressed that I should never consider it food for public consumption.  But they also indicated it wouldn't always consume me, and yet it seems to.

But isn't it better for our society that some actions always carry such a heavy burden?  Doesn't that serve as a better deterrent for others?  How could it be better for society if the gift of forgiveness also carried away most of the emotional aftermath?

It seems to me that some stigmas exist for good reason.

And yet I am assured by the people who love me that I'm a good person and shouldn't be so hard on myself.  How do I resolve these conflicting truths?

It seems to me that my counselor is going to earn his money.

*sigh*

having now kept an important promise, today i stop and i start

cryptic, i know, but it's a good thing.

Military ball article

I posted this on FB, but things get pushed down the page pretty quickly there and I wanted to give this link another mention and a more permanent home.

When my daughter Cassie told us on Sunday she'd been to a military ball thrown by her husband Nic's unit the previous night, I had no idea I'd be reading about it online the next day.  It really brings home for me what they're going to be up against in the next 12 months.

Please keep Nic and his unit in your prayers throughout the year ahead.  There are lots of small things to pray for, so it's easy to keep things fresh throughout the course of the long year:

• Pray for their safety.
• Pray for the peace-seeking people they're going to encounter there.
• Pray for their conversion, to whatever extent they may need it.
• Pray for the conversion of those they oppose, who feel that attacking civilians is a justifiable way to achieve their ends.
• Pray that our troops will not become so jaded that they succumb to the temptation to embrace such violence themselves.
• Pray that they and their loved ones will remain bound closely together during their time of separation.
• Pray that their families will be protected from harm in their absence.
• Pray that they will be emotionally protected from what they are likely to witness or even inflict.
• Pray that they will return home safe and well.
• Pray that they will be instruments of peace in the midst of a world at war.
• Pray that they will overcome the threat of terrorism decisively and honorably.

And thank you in advance for praying with me for them.

Ps 95, again, and today's gospel reading

And probably about time.

Do not grow stubborn, or harden not your hearts


There are lots of ways in which we do this, and one of the chief ones is by watering down those messages that we'd rather not take to heart.  Today's gospel reading is ripe for dismissal.  "Turning the other cheek" just isn't "the American Way."  It strikes us as weak and foolish to leave ourselves vulnerable for others to take advantage of us.  And we may have a responsibility to our loved ones to not allow others to infringe on what is theirs.  So how can today's gospel reading apply in a 21st century context?

Well, the first thing we should likely realize is that it isn't as if turning the other cheek was a concept likely to be embraced by the people of Jesus' land and time, either.  There may have been some radical fruitcakes who would propose such a selfless, nutty idea, but they'd have been dismissed just as quickly as we dismiss this message today.  By and large, Jesus' fellow Israelites were anxious to throw off Rome's tyrannical yoke and to rule themselves again, and they seem to have taken a dim view of those who didn't prosper.

In a previous post I reflected on the relationship between love and vulnerability.  But it is fairly easy to allow ourselves to be vulnerable to those who mostly return our love, who respond to us with kindness and thoughtfulness.  It is another thing entirely to go the way of the cross for someone who we feel has betrayed or taken advantage of us.  In truth, it's a thing that none of us should probably try on our own, because it is a road fraught with peril for both parties: it is entirely too easy for me to become an enabler of unhealthy behavior.  But we who follow Christ have been promised the gift of the Holy Spirit, who brings along many spiritual gifts beyond our own human nature.  Among these are spiritual wisdom  and discernment, by which we can know what influences are at work in a situation and have spiritual insight into what to do about them.  These gifts help me to know how best to respond to a "neighbor" who may take advantage of me in some way.  The Spirit reminds me that the Lord is my protector and savior as well as my neighbor's, and reveals how to respond that will best allow God's love to flow in any given situation.  Some situations may call for tough love, but perhaps more of them than we realize call us to simply let it go.

This passage includes the Golden Rule.  But there is another aspect to this that we sometimes neglect, as well. It may be hard for me to allow others to show kindness to me in return.  This can reveal something of our attitude toward the kindness we share with others.  If it truly isn't a burden but a blessing for me to show kindness to another, then it is truly a blessing and not a burden for them when another shows kindness to me, as well, and I should not deprive them of this blessing.  Discernment is important here, too: is it my nature to take advantage of others?  If so, then I should probably apply this idea very differently from someone whose nature is to stand on their own and not accept the generosity of others.

The vulnerability to which today's gospel reading calls us is a great challenge.  But there is a difference between responding to that challenge in wisdom and shrinking from it with a stubborn heart.

I don't <3 NY

With apologies to my friends and family who love the city.  I know my post seems out of the blue, but I've just had a young friend return from a visit just bubbling with how great it is, and a young cousin return there with an obvious joy and a sense of coming home.  It isn't that I disagree with them, just that my own experience of the city has been tainted by, well by my experiences in the city.

Best Labor Day ever?

Got up early yesterday, as Teri and I had a pretty full day planned.  We hadn't been canoeing for several years, and both wanted to again.  The Little Miami River is a designated National Wild and Scenic River, and we love being out on it.  One of the major bikeways in the area tracks along it for dozens of miles.

So the idea was for me to get up early and cycle down to the canoe rental place where we'd finish our time on the water.  It was a beautiful but slightly cool morning, so I needed my jacket but not my long pants.  I was pleasantly surprised near the beginning of my ride to encounter one of my cycling friends from church, who I probably haven't ridden with all year as he doesn't go out with the hard core group very much.  He was waiting on another friend of ours, who didn't show up, so I had unexpected and welcome company for the first 20 miles of my ride.  We ended up riding the same distance, except mine was one-way and his was out-and-back.  Soon after he turned around I decided that either the morning or the cyclist had warmed up enough to shed my jacket.

I got down to Morrow and waited about 15 minutes for Teri to get there in the van, at which point we rented our canoe and they drove us upriver to our starting point.  It was an absolutely gorgeous day on the river.  The last time we were out, Teri hadn't had her shoulder fixed yet, so she was able to help with more of the paddling this time, especially on the shallow spots.  I did miss a couple channels, at which point I had to get out of the canoe to get us floating again; at one of these Teri had to get out, too, momentarily.  It was a pretty nervous moment for her, as the river was fairly rapid at that point, but we managed it well, then retrieved the paddle she dropped and I think concluded our trip without further wading.

Next we showered and changed and headed to a nearby winery, where we sampled several wines and shared a huge cheese tray.  Finally, we stopped by the home of some of our oldest friends in Ohio, who we don't see so much since they moved away and back, as they now live further from us and attend a different parish.  Hanging out with them and their younger two kids, now almost 21 and 17 (?) but who really engaged well with us "older folks," was a great way to conclude a wonderful day together.

Rough night . . .

Woke up twice from dreams, neither of which I remembered on waking. The first had me halfway out of bed before I realized it was just a dream. Couldn't get back to sleep after the second, so took the opportunity to pray for our girls and grandkids and Teri's dad and some geographically separated friends.  Then I came out and laid on the sofa for a while, and realized another reason I was having trouble sleeping: my left kidney was (is) really hurting. Have to find out what analgesic is best against that sort of pain, as the ibuprofen only took the edge off. Decided to skip 8 a.m. mass, but am awake and the kidney won't let me get back to sleep. So, I guess it's time to quit my griping and start praising God, who is after all way greater than all this crap. 

Yummy IKEA cinnamon rolls for breakfast this morning. Now a hot shower and off to the mass I was skipping!

Being vigilant

Geez, will I never quit having to turn away from the world's ubiquitous point of view? Here's another thought along the line of my Arguing with Lyrics thread a few months ago:

Among the most harmful (for me) books I ever read was David Copperfield. Sensing a void in my literary background, I picked it up in my twenties and, yes, it's definitely a classic of English literature. However, it had the unhealthy side effect of reinforcing my wrong judgment of my bride for years thereafter. Eventually I came to understand just how inaccurate, unreasonable, and unfair it was for me to think of Teri as my Dora, or to be looking ahead to some day when I could finally be with my Anne, whoever that might prove to be. I can't help but believe that this excellent book has misinformed many other readers' judgments of their relationships, as well.

A few months ago I got hooked on a storyline in the comic 9 Chickweed Lane, which now twists in a direction I just have to turn away from for very similar reasons. (And yes, I know this is nothing more than a comic soap opera.)

"Maybe when we're 80," someone once suggested to me, but I've long since rejected that false hope. Setting aside the issue of my subsequent history, there is no way I could be the husband I'm supposed to be - the husband I want to be - or nurture the sort of marriage that Teri and I might have together, if I were longing for a someday with someone else, even one still decades off, as it once was for the now elderly characters in this storyline.

My bride is the treasure of my life, and I must be on guard against the influence of diversions which would misdirect my thoughts, tempting me to not value her appropriately.

"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."  


Umm, no, and in the grand scheme of things, the pain that life has brought me isn't so unreasonable.  I'd do well to remember this more often.