Faith in crisis

I seem to be headed in a better direction now, but here's where I was at 7 Friday morning:

For nearly twenty-five years (next month) - half my life; zero to fifty in the blink of an eye! - I've thrived when Christ was at the center of my focus, and failed miserably otherwise.  And I mean utterly failed, in disgusting, repulsive and completely unacceptable ways that, if life were fair, should have left me relegated to society's outcasts.  


I've long understood that the only way I've avoided that fate while still squarely facing the consequences of my actions - indeed, the only way I've even survived - is through the love and mercy of Christ, poured out through those whose faith filled in for my failure/inability to live my own.  When focused on his love and mercy, always and primarily present in my life through others, I've been able to do what I needed to receive healing and to contribute to the healing of those around me.  I've been more able to live as I ought, and to have perspective on the failings of my past so as to feel like a forgiven and healed son rather than a worm.  In short, I am able to live with myself, and thereby not do further hurt to those who have loved me.


So if I conclude that these good people are wrong about Christ, then I'm unable to trust in all that I have professed and experienced of God's love as poured out in Jesus Christ.  Oh, and if they're wrong about him, then since their outpouring of love and mercy is rooted in their faith, they must be wrong about me, too.  I must conclude that I am in fact a worm rather than a precious son.  In that case, I am in real trouble.

This is why this is all so crucial for me and those I love, why I must believe in Christ sufficiently to return my focus to him.