Adrift, except

Fortunately, it's the right "except."

From the outset, I've tried to handle this the right way, and yet the echoes of the past still reverberate.  So despite my efforts, she doesn't trust me.  I understand; our distant past is strewn with good reasons why she shouldn't.  I just thought we'd grown beyond that, and I've been open with her so that she could see this, have made careful choices not to compromise our relationship.  To no avail.

She's watching me, looking for the smallest sign that she's right, that I'm a threat to her.  She withholds herself from me, emotionally; the physical part doesn't even matter.  Of course I'm withdrawing, too.  I am hurt.  As always, she gives herself over to her t.v. watching schedule at night.  She doesn't join me in bed until after I am asleep, except now I'm relieved that she doesn't. Why would I want to lie there with someone who doesn't trust me?  It isn't that I'd rather be wrapped up in someone else.  It's just that, if I'm not trusted, I'd rather be alone.

In the past, I'd have sought solace and understanding and intimacy in the friendship she fears.  But I am no longer a slave to or participant in that cycle, and I will not fulfill her prophecy.  I know that she cannot help how she feels, and that somehow I must help how I respond to her, for I love her deeply.

I'd feel isolated, emotionally, if it weren't for my Lord, who I know is always with me.