There's more stuff I still want to comment on concerning the nature of the Father's authority, especially its compassionate and humble nature. But having read on from there, today I find myself reflecting on the spiritual key of forgiveness.
As I've kept reading on this topic, covered so thoroughly in Neal's other books, and scouring my mind for who it is I still haven't forgiven, because I have just known there was still someone. But I couldn't think of who it was, for the life of me. I've forgiven people for such a variety of hurts in which they played a role, intentionally, cooperatively, incidentally, or unknowingly. I've even forgiven myself, following my loved ones' forgiveness, for such deep harm that I've done to myself and those I love.
This morning, after wracking my brain, I finally realized the one person I'm still struggling to forgive, and why. There's something that I still can't quite forgive myself for, from that long-ago Thanksgiving weekend in NYC. After he had abused me for the first time in our room at the YMCA, I can't seem to forgive myself for climbing into his bed later that night, my arousal unmistakable, inviting him to do so again, giving him the rationale he needed for the next twenty months of abusing me.
I've forgiven him, although maybe I need to pray more for him. He didn't understand the harm he was doing. But I still don't seem to have forgiven me, even though I was just a confused kid - both by his design and in my dependence on him - who knew so much less than I know now.
No wonder I remain stuck here.
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