Further

I'm noticing that physical tension

I've learned what it means.

I'm responding to it proactively rather than letting it continue to build up and drive my choices.

Yes, some energy goes away when I do that, energy that I might have needed following a short night of sleep, but the gain is not worth reentering the dynamic.

Today's word

ultima /UL-tuh-muh/ - the last syllable of a word

This definition makes sense, given what I already knew about the related ultimate and penultimate. I think I was more familiar with the related penult, though I think I'd heard of neither ultima nor penultima. 

I think I'll probably end up pronouncing this word as /UL-tih-muh/, even though that isn't given as an alternate pronunciation.

Also, with apologies to the reader: the ultima of syllable sounds like a bunch of bull to me. 

It has been a very long time . . .

. . . since I've done anything truly reprehensible - although I'm sure that when I see what I think of as my "smaller sins" in the clear, loving light of God's truth I'll be appalled at how inaccurate that statement is. Still, it feels good to know that I have set boundaries that I remain unwilling to cross even when the temptation to do so may grow strong. And I am grateful to God for the grace that keeps me from giving rein to my more ignoble inclinations.

Timely

I'm so grateful, this morning, for friends who share the Word. FB gave me my favorite Christmas reading just when I need to get my thoughts where they belong.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

Today's word

veridical /vuh-RID-ih-kul/ - 1. truthful, veracious  2. not illusory : genuine

I find it helpful, in light of last night's dream of a practice that I am sure is not God's will, that both example sentences in today's WOTD article deal with the fact that our memories and our sensory experiences (and, by extension, so much more that takes place in our minds, including our feelings) can be misleading.

A most vivid and graphic dream . . .

. . . stokes my inappropriate feelings and desires.

I renounce that impurity in the name of Jesus.

Well, that got worse before it got better

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were a flurry. We were actually glad, though, when our dinner for 4 expanded to dinner for 12. First, our oldest grandson and his girlfriend said they'd join us. Then, on Christmas Eve after the grocery stores were closed, our youngest asked if it was too late for her crew to join us, too, for dinner, after all. Good thing I'd bought a way bigger ham than we needed.

I'd convinced myself that it would be okay to support the evening Mass in addition to Midnight and Christmas morning. Fortunately, we used the parish's normal Christmas schedule rather than our normal Sunday schedule. But even so, I really could have used that extra three hours. Maybe then I wouldn't have been par-baking pie crusts at 3:15 Christmas morning, or trying to cook and help with wrapping at the same time on Christmas Day.

Dinner ended up being very nice; there was nothing fancy, yet everything was good; well, the mashed potatoes were a little dry, since we ate about 90 minutes later than scheduled, which was about 75 minutes after everything was ready. It also included a very nice uncured ham that I was able to pick up on sale at Whole Foods when I went for my bulk spices (cinnamon sticks, cured allspice, fresh whole cloves), carrots with a cream sherry and honey glaze, and some canned green beans that our middle daughter and her husband contributed along with half the potatoes to round out enough food for the extra folks. Oh, and my daughter and I were the only partakers of the absolutely delicious cabernet-blueberry cranberry sauce. I screwed up the pie crusts something awful, but the pies were still yummy despite them.

After opening gifts, the anticipated altercation occurred, at least in part because it was anticipated, and two people left mad. Apparently one of the kids left a candy cane lying around, and our dog got it. Amid the already-hubbub of grandchildren excited about gifts, our middle daughter's husband raised his voice to call someone's attention to the situation, our youngest daughter took offense at his raised voice, our son-in-law and middle daughter took offense at her offense and left. Ugh. I may henceforth refer to this as The Catastrophic, Calamitous outCome of the Canine Candy Cane Caper^©.

These adults judge each other too harshly. They have too much a sense of superiority.

I taught them well, apparently, the part of myself that most needs to die.

Exhausted. Frazzled. Drained.

Like John, like Elizabeth, like Mary, like Jesus

Each of the principals in today's reading from St. Ambrose offers us something to emulate. Christ brings Grace, prenatal John recognizes His presence, Elizabeth responds to John's intrauterine testimony with humility and acknowledgement, Mary proclaims a wondrous canticle of God's greatness. Together, they offer, respond to, and acclaim the Father's wondrous grace and mercy.

At times in our lives we are each called to take on these various roles in the proclamation of the Gospel. Sometimes we are in need of grace; at others we are the one recognizing God's presence or proclaiming His love to someone else who desperately needs it.

We are all called to receive Christ and manifest His presence to the world.

Today's words

purlieu /PERL-yoo/ - 1a. an outlying or adjacent district  b. (plural) environs, neighborhood  2a. a frequently visited place : haunt  b. (plural) confines, bounds

I love the etymology for this one. I don't care for the first example so much, though my issue may be more with combination of preposition, object, and modifier it uses.

orchidaceous /ȯr-kə-ˈdā-shəs/ -  1. of, relating to, or resembling the orchids  2.  showy, ostentatious

This was in the Dictionary Devil today, and I wasn't expecting the definition (which was the second one, of course, or I'd have been expecting it), but didn't have any trouble matching it up when nothing close to the first one was there for the choosing.

The (at least temporary) return of pageview zip code posts

Blogger changed their landing page, so I no longer see a page view count every time I log on. When I've thought to check it, my current count hasn't been an assigned zip code. So I'm including the current one even though I've never been there:

Hillsdale, IN  47854 - I started my longest, hottest ever day of bike riding about 23 miles south and 7 miles west of here, The Ride Across Indiana: One day, One way, 160 miles.

Today's word

eternize /ih-TER-nyze/ - 1a. to make eternal  b. to prolong indefinitely  2. immortalize

It makes perfect sense, and I immediately recognized what it must mean, but I'm pretty sure I'd never encountered it before.

Today's Office of Readings

Since I primarily use the Divine Office during the seasons of Advent and Lent, and since Advent doesn't always have a full fourth week, I don't pray today's Psalm very often. I love the series of "isolated avian" references - pelican, owl, sparrow - though without knowing for myself how accurately they reflect each species' natural behavior. The last half of the second section speaks to why I believe that God has preserved me in spite of how utterly I've failed Him and those I love. The first part of the last section resonates with me right now because of the advancement of my kidney disease; I need to be careful not to let my mind get out ahead of that, though.

Today's Isaiah reading is more familiar (because the Office always uses this in the final octave of the Advent season, regardless of where it falls in the week), and every time I see the Lord refer to his stubborn people I must plead guilty.

This reading from St. Bernard gets me every time. (Rabbit hole warning: this link contains three others; one of them, though, contains the entire text of this reading, since the dated hyperlinks expire - or at least they used to; I haven't checked in a while.) The thing that strikes me about this reading this year is a shift in perspective: as anxious as the souls of all humanity throughout all of history are, collectively, for our Mother's answer to the angel, so much greater is God's desire for each one of us to provide our own fiat in response to Him.

When a friend tells you . . .

. . . , pretty much in so many words, that they've decided that no, they'd rather not be so close with you after all. And you just keep your mouth shut about it for months. But at least you accept that it's completely their right, and appreciate what they're willing to give you.

Actually: really appreciate.

Today's word

nosocomial /nah-suh-KOH-mee-ul/ - acquired or occurring in a hospital

A new word for me. My late uncle had to deal with a nosocomial staph infection, but we never used that adjective. I'm never going to get that pronunciation right, though; my mind insists that it's /noh-soh-KOH-mee-ul/.

Happy birthday, Karen

I miss you. Thank you for praying for me. You know I'm praying for you, too.

What a lonely, miserable day

And in the immortal words of Curly (Kill anybody today, Curly?), "Day ain't over yet!"

Today's word

gallimaufry /gal-uh-MAW-free/ - a heterogeneous mixture : jumble

Actually, I was somewhat familiar with this synonym for hodgepodge or farrago, but didn't quite recognize it when I first saw it as today's word on the Merriam-Webster site.

A lesson from a 5-year-old

After Mass we stopped by the house so that our 11-year-old granddaughter could get her toiletries and clothes. While I was waiting by the sliding van door in the cold, because I knew she wouldn't be able to get it closed tight, I heard our 5-year-old granddaughter calling my name. So when I got in the car, I asked what she wanted.

It seems there was a pencil on the floor by her seat, and she just had to have it. Unfortunately, no one could reach it, and no matter how hard she tried, neither could she. It consumed her attention most of the short ride to her home.

It occurred to me that many of us - myself included - spend too much of our time, attention, and energy to things that are beyond our grasp that we think we just have to have. We're more childlike than we know, but usually not in the ways that we're really called to be.

Last week of Advent

If I am anticipating accrurately, there are some powerful readings this week.

Hear me, O house of Jacob, all who remain of the house of Israel,
My burden since your birth, whom I have carried from infancy.
Even to your old age I am the same, even when your hair is gray (or gone?) I will bear you;
It is I who have done this, I who will continue, and I who will carry you to safety . . . 

Listen to me, you fainthearted, you who seem far from the victory of justice:
I am bringing on my justice, it is not far off, my salvation shall not tarry;
I will put salvation within Zion, and give to Israel my glory. - Is 46: 3-4, 12-13

These words remind me that I am not the first to experience God's presence and power and then to know doubt and darkness. His dawn breaks forth when it will best reveal His glory, but meanwhile He will not cease to sustain us through the night.

No man has ever seen God or known him, but God has revealed Himself to us through faith, by 87 which alone it is possible to see Him. - from a letter to Diognetus

I want to know, and God is reminding me that He has given me something that is better for me, now, than knowing: He has provided the gift of faith.

The whole of today's Office of Readings, including the Psalms, is worth the time, bringing me a great sense of God's loving presence exactly where I am.

Nuffin' weewy mavvers

Kismet

A quick survey of our most recently collected uses of kismet shows that it’s used of happy romantic pairings nearly half the time, and it’s rarely used of anything negative like an ill-fated love affair. - Merriam-Webster's Words at Play blog

Perhaps this word describes the totality of my life . . . 

I am entirely too focused on my own isolated depths. Again.

I must never lose sight . . .

. . . of what a great privilege it is to love you with all I have, and to be loved by you with all you have.

A rare day

Only once every seven years do we get today's Office of Readings. It fits my mood so well this morning. I am like Ariel, Bashar, Carmel, Shalem and Sharon. Augustine speaks of a groaning which must be purer than my own.

Perhaps, Lord, this is what it feels like to long for You. But it doesn't feel so pure and holy, even if it isn't so depraved as I have been in the past.

Lord, come quickly.

Waiting in the darkness

for the Light it cannot overcome.

When you get a really dangerous earworm

that lasts for days.

And yes, there can be such a thing.

It is, of course, utterly preposterous

I'll continue to live by it, though. I don't know how else to live.

Or maybe it's that I don't know any other way I'd want to live. 

Timeless truth

Woe to those who go down to Egypt for help, who depend upon horses;
Who put their trust in chariots because of their number, and in horsemen because of their combined power,
But look not to the Holy One of Israel nor seek the Lord!I - Is 31:1-3

Is this not too often our approach to everything? Even when we think to cry out to Him, we look to our own solutions, not trusting that if we act according to His loving guidance He will provide for our needs. Our fear drives us to avoid the help that He provides and to seek what seems a more likely means of our providence.

By his own powers man cannot see God, yet God will be seen by men  because He wills it . . . The Spirit prepares man to receive the Son of God, the Son leads him to the Father, and the Father, freeing him from change and decay, bestows the eternal life that comes to everyone from seeing God.

As those who see light are in the light sharing in brilliance, so those who see God are in God sharing his glory, and that glory gives them life. - St. Irenaeus, bishop, from a treatise against Heresies

Grace. Always, it is God's gift that gives us life.

From Thomas à Kempis

Do not care much who is with you and who is against you; but make it your greatest care that God is with you in everything you do.

That is, seek to please only Him. We are often too concerned with what others think of us.

Do not think that you have made any progress unless you feel that you are the lowest of men.

Perhaps there is hope for me yet.

You are good at excusing and justifying your own deeds, and yet you will not listen to the excuses of others. It would be more just to accuse yourself  and to excuse your brother.

I have long observed this tendency of ours. This is most excellent advice for marriage, too.

More on humility

I was hoping to quote from the passage from The Imitation of Christ, by Thomas à Kempis, which I read in the breviary this morning, which was mainly focused on practical applications of humility. But my online source instead has the reading for the memorial of St. Lucy. This reading from St. Ambrose is also excellent, though, for the Advent season and for all who are seeking Christ, even though it comes from a book on virginity.

Whoever seeks Christ in this way, and finds him, can say: I held him fast, and I will not let him go before I bring him into my mother’s house, into the room of her who conceived me. What is this “house,” this “room,” but the deep and secret places of your heart?
Maintain this house, sweep out its secret recesses until it becomes immaculate and rises as a spiritual temple for a holy priesthood, firmly secured by Christ, the cornerstone, so that the Holy Spirit may dwell in it.
Whoever seeks Christ in this way, whoever prays to Christ in this way, is not abandoned by him; on the contrary, Christ comes again and again to visit such a person, for he is with us until the end of the world.

I find myself doing housekeeping of this sort during this Advent season, repenting of and renouncing those thought patterns that turn me inward toward myself rather than toward Christ.

I'm going to have to write about the passage from The Imitation of Christ later. Stuff in there really resonated with me, but I don't want to misquote it.

A friend shared a great parody . . .

. . . of puppets telling the nativity story to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody. It was absolutely worth watching.

It also has me in a weird emotional place, for two synergistic reasons. The last line of the song's original second verse (right before the choral section) resounds in my head. And that weekend when I saw Queen in concert.

Testimonies of God's love

Our Lady of Guadalupe, Pray for us.

I read the historical account in one version of today's Office of Readings. But the Advent reading from a discourse On the Contemplation of God by William of Saint-Thierry strikes me more today:

O Lord, salvation is your gift and your blessing is upon your people; what else is your salvation but receiving from you the gift of loving you or being loved by you?

. . . and later:

He taught us to love him by first loving us, even to death on the cross. By loving us and holding us so dear, he stirred us to love him who had first loved us to the end.
And this is clearly the reason: you first loved us so that we might love you – not because you needed our love, but because we could not be what you created us to be, except by loving you.

. . . 

Everything he did and everything he said on earth, even enduring the insults, the spitting, the buffeting – the cross and the grave – all of this was actually you speaking to us in your Son, appealing to us by your love and stirring up our love for you.
You know that this disposition could not be forced on men’s hearts, my God, since you created them; it must rather be elicited. And this, for the further reason that there is no freedom where there is compulsion, and where freedom is lacking, so too is righteousness.

You wanted us to love you, then, we who could not with justice have been saved had we not loved you, nor could we have loved you except by your gift. So, Lord, as the apostle of your love tells us, and as we have already said, you first loved us: you are first to love all those who love you.

The voice, the Word

Yesterday the Office of Readings provided this wonderful reflection from St. Augustine that continues to amaze me every time I read it.

The word in my heart is to convey the love of God. Yet so often the "voice" of my actions falls short of that desire. I become like the mindless babbling into which we so often lapse when we are exhausted or frantic and lose our focus on the purpose of our speaking.

But also, too often I am a selfish voice, wanting to be loved for myself rather than desiring chiefly to let God be loved.

I guess now I know

. . . which circumstance sends me to the very edge. 

I've missed your tempting sharpness, old friend.

Season of longing

Catch 22

When your daughter gets a new sewing machine as an early Christmas gift. And your wife observes that it's nicer than hers. And your other daughter has a father-in-law who immediately buys a nicer version of everything nice they get, so you know how doing that fills your "kids" with disdain.

Mother of Salvation

To Mary God gave his only-begotten Son, whom he loved as himself. Through Mary God made himself a Son, not different but the same, by nature Son of God and Son of Mary. The whole universe was created by God, and God was born of Mary. God created all things, and Mary gave birth to God. The God who made all things gave himself form through Mary, and thus he made his own creation. He who could create all things from nothing would not remake his ruined creation without Mary.

God, then, is the Father of the created world and Mary the mother of the re-created world. God is the Father by whom all things were given life, and Mary the mother through whom all things were given new life. For God begot the Son, through whom all things were made, and Mary gave birth to him as the Savior of the world. Without God’s Son, nothing could exist; without Mary’s Son, nothing could be redeemed. - from a sermon by St. Anselm

Good stuff here, from this morning's Office of Readings. It seems the right balance between proper reverence and gratitude toward Mary and inappropriate worship of her.

Today's word

qui vive /kee-VEEV/ - alert, lookout — used in the phrase on the qui vive

I love this one, and hope I get an excuse to use it soon!

As promised

God, who is faithful, put himself in our debt, not by receiving anything but by promising so much . . . . He promised eternal salvation, everlasting happiness, with the angels, an immortal inheritance, endless glory, the hoyful vision of his face, his holy dwelling in heaven, and after resurrection from the dead no further fear of dying . . . . He promised men divinity, mortal immortality, sinners justification, the poor a rising to glory.
But, brethren, because God' promises seemed impossible to men - equality with the angels in exchange for mortality, corruption, poverty, weakness, dust and ashes - God not only made a written contract with men to win their belief, but also established a mediator of his good faith, not a prince or angel or archangel, but his only Son. He wanted, through his Don, to show us and give us the way he would lead us tot he goal he has promised.
It was not enough for God to make his Son our guide to the way; he made him the Way itself, that you might travel with him as leader and by him as the Way. - St. Augustine, from A discourse on the psalms

Good stuff, St. A.

Prayer by the light of the wreath again this morning

First time this week, but for better reason. Was glad for the opportunity to help a friend see the light of God's love pierce through the perceived darkness, and a short night of sleep followed by a night of catch-up was a small price to pay for it.

Had a quote from St. Augustine I wanted to share, but online I can only get the St. Ambrose reading. Except for big exceptions, I focus on the Advent season over the saints' feast days, and at home with my breviary I can do that. Maybe I'll get a chance to post later . . .

But that is not who I am

Not who I choose to be.

He systematically destroyed me

A chance to pray

I won't share here what my friend was going through, but I was glad of the opportunity to pray together, to remind and to be reminded of God's boundless love for us and the awesome ways He shows it.

A very nice compliment

So yesterday I'd resigned myself to sitting out the second communion hymn: J.S. Bach's Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring. Our director wanted to go straight into it from the preceding song, and I didn't have chords for the well-known instrumental part, even though I'd played it before, a few years ago. I grabbed some chords off of the Web last night, and had a printer issue that I resolved this hectic morning by rebooting it, only to discover at church that it was incomplete.

So when I noticed this after our first run through this morning, I took a few minutes to figure out what was missing. She gave me some coda chords she wanted me to use, which I needed to transpose because I was using a capo, but we ended up not using them because of when the communion procession ended.

It went pretty well. Afterward, my director said, "You, sir, are a hell of a musician."

I don't know about that; I was mostly just arpeggiating chords - okay, a little added fill, but not much - and only had to figure out a few of them on my own, but it sure was a nice compliment.

I keep mentally practicing

I doubt that I'll ever need to say them; I wish I felt absolutely certain that I will in the unlikely event that I do ever need to, regardless of the circumstances: "Thank you, but no; I've already hurt my wife sufficiently for both of our lifetimes."

Don't Ever Give Up

I've no idea if this post will be at all coherent, and that's okay.

Before I could start in on much of anything else this morning, I was reading a little of Matthew Berry's weekly fantasy love/hate, even though I don't have time for fantasy football. I like the other things he writes about in his column. Since it's Jimmy V week at ESPN, he ended that part with the quote from Valvano's famous speech at the ESPY's back in the 90's. It struck me, because of the strange feeling I had driving home from the pharmacy last night of wanting to set the cruise control, take my hands from the wheel, and close my eyes. I knew better than to give into this, of course. Oddly, it wasn't rooted in any circumstances of my life. Things are actually going pretty well.

After toileting, I lit the Advent candle for my first time of praying by its light in the morning. Sixth day of Advent. Clearly I haven't been doing this season right, not preparing my heart as I should, and that certainly has nothing to do with not having a whisky Advent calendar in my life.

I love to pray the Office of Readings during Advent and Christmas, by the light of the Advent wreath and then the Christmas tree. This morning's prayer time (link will probably not be valid indefinitely) was hard for me, but I think it will end up being in a good way.

Instead of the invitatory listed at the link above, I like to use Psalm 24 daily for most of Advent. This morning, when I reached the psalmist's observation about who can ascend to the holy place, I lamented my continued impurity and desire for worthless things. It was nearly a despairing feeling to know that I still struggle so much, until I remember that I am supposed to struggle, so that I might never seek to enter God's presence by any means except His grace as expressed in the Savior whom His people await. Then, in Psalm 34, I recognized that I am my own chief enemy, from whom I need the Lord to deliver me.

The Isaiah reading reminded me that all of God's children will ultimately find their place in Him, although some chastisement along the way may be in order.

And I still love the reading from St. Anselm, with its insistent call to make this time, this season, what it should be. I am not the first to long for God, even since Christ walked the earth fulfilling the Israelites longing for a Savior. I should, however, never give up seeking Him, or I shall certainly not encounter His presence.

It's a different world . . .

. . . than where you come from . . .

I've never been so rushed to put together a training basically from scratch.

A less angsty Thanksgiving

I am thankful that, even with a friend in NYC on the actual anniversary of my ill-fated weekend (the November calendars for this year and 1977 coincide), I had very little thought of those events this year.

Three big anniversaries this past week

Well, four, but there is coincidence among them.

Our second-youngest granddaughter's birthday was Saturday. She was born on our oldest nephew's birthday, though he never met her, having passed away a few years previously.

I will never forget Chuck. I first met him when he was a boy and I was dating his aunt, in high school. He was a fun kid to be around, and as he grew he developed a strong love for the theater. But what I remember best about him was how he greeted me the first time I saw him after my well-deserved exile from the family. I don't know how much he may have struggled with it beforehand, but when he saw me he walked right up to me and hugged me, without hesitation. I've been blessed with much forgiveness and reconciliation, and I've since received such instant acceptance from others when they learn of my past, but he was the first, and I hope I always feel appropriately grateful to him for it. We were really pleased when our granddaughter was born on his birthday. Chuck had already passed on by then.

That weekend was the most incredible experience of life and death. After we went to the hospital to meet our newest granddaughter on the day she was born, on Wednesday of Thanksgiving weekend, we immediately departed for Maryland, where my wife's mom was near death. We had Thanksgiving dinner with the family, and on Saturday of that weekend, surrounded by her family, mom went home. Yesterday was the eighth anniversary of her passing. Her feelings toward and treatment of me were different from her oldest grandson's, though I didn't learn the extent of the former for some time. I respect that she always treated me respectfully - even affectionately - despite her internal resentment. I have come to believe that it can be a genuinely loving sacrifice to respond to someone in ways that are inconsistent with our feelings toward them, and I appreciate that she made it. (Our oldest grandson missed her funeral because he had an emergency appendectomy in MD.)

The other anniversary, which we observe today, is the passing two years later of my wife's dad. He took some time to come around toward me, but genuinely forgave me, and in the end greatly helped me to understand what I could and could not do about other family members' feelings. He became an advocate for reconciliation in his family, and time has unfortunately undone some of his efforts, although not for my part. He was probably a much better father-in-law than he was a father, especially with regard to raising his oldest sons. I came to understand that he regretted what he didn't understand when they were young, but I believe he ended up having solid relationships with each of them. He was a great gift to me, and a better influence as a father figure than I otherwise ever had in my life.

Can't unsee that

This phrase has taken on connotations of applying mainly to images that we judge to be repulsive. But the ones that matter more to me are those that are alluring to excess. Their influence in the mind can linger long.

My darling,

I'm glad you've read this. I will restore my posts, and I will keep posting here. Keep reading.  You have discovered months or years of my frustrations in a single day.

Let us both rediscover our love over the rest of our lives.

Yes, I get frustrated with our relationship sometimes, and sometimes in ways that neither of us can change. But what I said is true: I still love you, and can't imagine life without you.

"Surely,"

he thought, foolishly, "after them cooking and me washing all the dishes, I won't have to ask her to put them away!"

An unexpected text/test

I didn't recognize the number, and was surprised by the name in it and the nature of the link that it contained.

I'm pleased with how I ultimately responded to this, telling my wife about it and sending a FB message to the woman assuming that one or the other of us has been hacked.

I'm pretty annoyed with myself for the thoughts that I entertained before doing so . . . and since.

Home again

It is good to be back here.

We had a really nice weekend. (Pretty sure I've said that already. Sorry, dear reader.)

I am so tired!

I overthink it

when someone changes their plans in order to be more distant from me, to either spend less time with me or share less of their thoughts and feelings. It really doesn't matter who; I always wonder what I've done wrong, or how I've been someone they'd rather keep more distance from. Of course, some people's distance hurts more than others, even though everyone has as much right to it.

Formerly, I'd always just attribute that to my past, or "console" myself with the knowledge that my past was reason enough even if they didn't know about it. Now I'm finally beyond that dynamic. I know that's a good thing, at the same time that I observe that it was easier that way.

Donne may have been right about no man being an island, but I imagine that a good many of us feel like one. I certainly often do, despite my friends' and loved ones' best efforts.

What a nice weekend.

And two more days of it left.

Pies until 2:30 a.m.

I think it's easier to just host.

One entry was all it took . . .

 . . . for my mind to wander off on a flashback to another lifetime.

I followed the "browse thesaurus" link for the first time at the Merriam-Webster site. For no particular reason, I then clicked on the letter "h," followed by the word "hairbreadth." And with that, my mind insisted on flashing back to the abbreviation "r.c.h.," which I hadn't thought of in decades.

But I was pretty surprised to see it included so (relatively) exhaustively in the Wikipedia entry for Hair's breadth. You'll be comforted to know that their discussion matches the relative explanation of the three unscientific terms as we understood them "back in the day" during my enlisted career.

Cumulative and present truth

I'm pretty sure that there will never be a day on which I will feel that you have finally gotten all that you deserve from me as your husband.

sigh

😢

I want to protest that I'm doing the best I can by you, but I don't really believe it.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

You deserve better from me.

So much to do, so little time

Just realized that I let the calendar eat up my preparation activity time, so have to sacrifice at least some of prayer group tonight. My to-do list:

• bake cornbread
• make pie crusts
• par-bake bottom pie crusts
• make pumpkin and mince pies
• make cranberry sauce
• toast breads for stuffing

Oh, not much!

What I wanted to say next . . .

. . . would have been gross and highly inappropriate.

or funny and highly inappropriate.

but, at a minimum, highly inappropriate.

Today's word

Well, yesterday's WOTD:

nictitate /NIK-tuh-tayt/ - 1. to close and open quickly : to shut one eye briefly : wink  2. to close and open the eyelids

Its rare predecessor, too: nictate.
It's probably better if I just treasure the rest of my thoughts about this word in my heart. 

Need to commit . . .

. . . to regular early morning workouts, or my mornings are going to get away from me, and not in good ways.

The problem is, there isn't anyone in my life to commit these with, right now, besides myself, except for that monthly early morning swim - the other monthly swim session is on Saturday evening.

My problem with too-frequent workouts

I ran 3.58 miles last night, in the dark. Then I swam 800 yards today with Team RWB. I was hoping to get a half-mile in, but knew that goal was in jeopardy when my feet started cramping within the first 50 yards, despite my efforts to stay well hydrated today. I'm pretty sure it was because of having run last night.

I was able to nurse myself through the entire workout that our "not-trainer" left for us, but definitely was not doing all the kicking I normally would have, and on some laps had to switch strokes in order to finish them at all. During the last lap the cramping was so bad I couldn't fathom doing the extra four lengths it would take to reach my goal. Still, I'm pleased for working out in the pool, and look forward to my next chance to dive back in.

Today's word - edited

meshuggener /muh-SHUG-uh-ner/ - a foolish or crazy person

Hey, if the shoe fits, I suppose I should wear it. I think I may have heard this word in my youth; he may have denied vociferously after his conversion - that is, from well before I was ever born - but my grandfather was Jewish.

I meant to mention this when I first posted this: just as the word "niggardly," despite its similar sound, has nothing to do with race, this word has nothing to do with the Great Lakes State.

Today's word

lambent /LAM bunt/ - 1. playing lightly on or over a surface : flickering  2. softly bright or radiant 3. marked by lightness or brilliance especially of expression

A word I've seen before and always understood from context, but am glad of the opportunity to see on its own, where I didn't recognize it at first. (This is kind of like the time our daughter gave birth to her oldest child and we ran into a friend - whom we'd known from church and covenant community, had seen them twice in the same year seven years before, but had never seen outside of Mississippi - at the hospital because her daughter had moved here and was in false labor. Her face looked familiar, but it took us a moment to realize from where, because seeing her here was so out of context.)

Huge heart smile

When a dear friend from overseas asks you for your current cranberry sauce recipe and you realize that means you'll be sharing Thanksgiving dinner together across the ocean!

Giving thanks to God for both of you, for your friendship and your service (especially in unsettled times), and praying that God continues to bless your budding family abundantly.

Putting the first thing first

Of course, that is to ensure the safety of the children, both the direct victim of the abuse incident and the others who might likewise be in harm's way. But that goes beyond just protecting her and them from the abuser; it also requires getting whatever help they need to heal now and avoid more difficulty in their own lives down the road. It isn't just the direct victim who is subject to that dynamic; I'm also concerned for her older brother, who audibly witnessed the incident.

Dealing with abuse

Even when you know you've done what you should, it's hard to deal with. How do you respond lovingly, helpfully, therapeutically to everyone who needs it?

And that's without even considering the role one's own mistakes of the past may have played in establishing a dynamic, a pattern, a familiarity that may have played into relationship choices.

Help us, Lord? Please?

Today's word

hyperborean /ˌhī-pər-ˈbȯr-ē-ən, -(ˌ)pər-bə-ˈrē-ən/ - 1. of or relating to an extreme northern region : frozen  2. of or relating to any of the arctic peoples

Pretty sure I've encountered this word before. Will likely not remember it the next time, either, unless the context gives it away.

We'll see where this goes

CPS is opening a case against my former son-in-law. His children, especially the older ones, have lost all respect for him. I sure hope he is able to make the changes that he needs to, but he can be such a stubborn man.

Why, oh why, would I try to get him some help rather than just leave him hang out to dry? But I feel that I must.

(You aren't losing your mind: post temporarily removed in the highly unlikely event that any of his family members ever read my blog.)

Much ado about potentially nothing, but possibly a big deal

As someone who didn't vote for the guy, I think people should at least consider the possibility that "chief strategist" might be code for "important-sounding position with absolutely no responsibility or influence, to pacify the rabid (racist and sexist) dogs who helped get me elected."

Yes, I realize I've just insulted dogs. Sorry. 

But I will withhold from reaching a conclusion on the matter, for the present.

No, that isn't "discipline"

Yes, a child who gets sent home from school for behavioral issues needs consequences.

No, beating that almost 8-year-old child so hard and so long that she vomits, then making her clean up the vomit, and leaving your handprints on her backside that are still visible two days later, is not proper discipline. It is abuse.

This happened when she went to her father's house for the weekend, three days after the school called him because she needed to be sent home and they couldn't get hold of our daughter, who isn't allowed to receive phone calls at work.

Her brother corroborated this incident. He didn't see it, but heard it.

Get help, dude. You need it. Perhaps the legal system will help you to realize that.

I slept on the downstairs sofa last night. I wasn't willing to be asleep safely in my bed in the unlikely event that he finished going off the deep end and invaded my home, where the other two siblings were sleeping so that they wouldn't be a distraction to - or distracted by - the visit from the police.

Today's pageview zip code

Jeffersonville, IN 47130 - We used to have friends - I've always believed those words to be somewhat tragic - whom we met when we were neighbors in base housing and the husband and I were both attending the local university an education and commissioning program. Our kids and theirs were around the same age, and we'd frequently have Friday movie and pizza nights together. Things got weird before we graduated; the wife went a little off the deep end and had gone crazy over a lifeguard at the swimming pool. I started to go a bit nuts with her, as she was determine to prove to me that I wasn't as "in control" as I thought myself to be. We were making out, actually, when I got the call that my sister had died, which put the kibosh on any attraction I felt for her. After they moved away we saw them a couple times, and once I really thought she may have been trying to pick things back up with me, but I completely ignored that perceived opportunity; there's more than half a chance that it may not have been one, anyway.

A few years later we were invited to their daughter's wedding (in this zip code), and were even invited to stay with the family in her sister's fairly big home. We'd gotten to know the sister when she'd visited the family when we were in school. By now our middle daughter was married, or at least engaged; the "kids" were mostly bunking in the same room. The morning of the wedding, our friend talked about how one of the other young women came to her room in tears because she couldn't sleep due to my daughter's and son-in-law's snoring. She thought it was the most hilarious thing, so much so that she kept going on and on about it. Then, after the wedding when we were gathered in another location for the gift opening, she made a big deal out of regaling everyone with the entire "hilarious" account once again.

My daughter and son-in-law were deeply embarrassed and hurt. I think the other young lady may have been equally so. We soon left to go back to her sister's house, gather our things, and head home. The sister, for her part, was very apologetic over the entire incident, making it a point to express her disappointment in our friend.

I sincerely hope she has figured things out since then.

Can't prove it

It's like eleven years of my life just didn't happen. Going to have to dig out my DD214 when I get home so that I can eventually prove that I'm a veteran.

Happy Veteran's Day to me.

Today's word

ukase /yoo-KAYSS/ - 1. a proclamation by a Russian emperor or government having the force of law 2a. a proclamation having the force of law  b. order, command

How the President-elect seemed, during the campaign, to think he is going to be able to govern. Unfortunately, the extensive use of executive order by recent chief executives and the dysfunctional relationship between executive and legislative branches has significantly undermined the constitutional balance of powers, making the ukase a too casually accepted way for a President to implement his agenda.

I still suck. 

Failure.
I suck.

At least

. . . the proverbial football widow (which my bride has never been) only had to deal with it two days a week, though I suppose that isn't true anymore.

I mustn't . . .

 . . . use someone else's persistent disinterest as my "excuse" to return to my chains.

Trusting in God

Because I feel pretty much drained of everything else.

A comment on one of my daughter's posts

I've said this for a lot of elections: my faith is not in our system of government.

We've never had such a terrible set of choices - and we chose these choices. Neither of these candidates probably could have beaten anyone else who has ever gotten nominated. But do not despair. God can do amazing things even through the worst choices we make, and we need not look any further than our own family for proof of that. Keep that chin up, precious one. We must be His arms of love, and that is no more or less true today than it has ever been.

Didn't pack enough food

Considering my swim this morning, I should have realized that I'd need more food than I packed for second breakfast and lunch. Fortunately, there is an abundance of options around here for lunch.

One of these days . . .

. . . I'm sure to simultaneously have both temptation and time. Meanwhile, I give thanks to God for continuing to keep me in line.

The reason I lacked time this morning: nice swim! It's sweet working with someone who knows how to improve my stroke, even though she's not actually a coach; I can really feel my form coming together. I believe may need to buy a new jammer soon, though; these trunks are probably making me work too hard - though that's probably fine for training.

Not even a month yet

And it feels impossible. Are there really people who don't struggle with this?

Annoying 20-teen marketing

11 Jobs More Stable Than Your Last Relationship, beckoned the subject line.

Really? More stable than my last relationship?  We're about to celebrate our 36th anniversary. So, 11 jobs more stable than your last relationship, maybe, marketing person.

I certainly don't plan on working that long. Given my kidneys, I don't even count on living that long.

Don't get me wrong

Yesterday was well worth all the effort, but now I'm really tired.

Pretty sure I sang this in the (since razed) chapel at Shemya

 Day by day and with each passing moment,
Strength I find to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father's wise bestowment,
I've no cause for worry or for fear.
He whose heart is kind beyond all measure
Gives unto each day what He deems best--
Lovingly, its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.

Ev'ry day the Lord Himself is near me
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares He fain would bear, and cheer me,
He whose name is Counselor and Pow'r.
The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
"As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,"
This the pledge to me He made.

Help me then in ev'ry tribulation
So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
That I lose not faith's sweet consolation
Offered me within Thy holy Word.
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
E'er to take, as from a father's hand,
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
Till I reach the promised land.

Reasons gone

Pretty soon now I'm going to need to settle into a set of ordinary reasons, as my situation-specific ones are now past.

A deeply blessed day

Our daughter and son-in-law's convalidation was lovely. Our former pastor did a great job with it. The party was great fun, and isn't over yet. It has been especially nice having all of our daughters and most of their children here, along with so many dear friends and family.

Observing history

I stayed up past 1 a.m. watching as the Chicago Cubs finally won another World Series. I'm glad it was such an entertaining game, worth watching beyond just its historical significance (which, when you realize that it is still just a game, isn't really all that great).

I've been mostly too busy today to be very tired, though.

An inspired moment

We've had a couple newer members of our prayer group who have been seeking prayer after the meeting fairly consistently. In both cases, they have been dealing with a struggle that it would be inappropriate for me to divulge, in the unlikely case that someone from the group should ever read these pages. But I think it's okay for me to share here something of what I felt led to share with them after praying last night, as it relates more broadly.

We often lament the lack of piety that we seem to observe in others who approach the Eucharistic table distractedly. I notice the same thing in myself as I cast a judgment at someone I know well who reads the bulletin during the homily: we are quick to assume an attitude of superiority over others, and it is good for us to be reminded that we have earned neither our place at the table nor the gifts that make us the unique person God has created us to be. We do ourselves a disservice when we disdain others, when we fail to recognize and treasure God's spark within them. But that isn't the point of this observation.

Rather: God's grace is at work through the Sacraments even when we who participate in them are not fully aware and appropriately appreciative - as if we could really be either of these things, since we will not know the full import of the gifts we are given until we have passed through the veil. This is true of every Sacrament, beginning with the baptism of an unaware infant. The grace poured out always transcends the awareness of the participant.

This is true of our marriages, as well, whether they are mostly solid or feel as if they are on shaky ground. As we continue to participate in the Sacrament in which God has called us to our primary vocation, His grace continues to be at work, including when we struggle to perceive it - or even to believe in it without perceiving. As with every other Sacrament in which we partake, our increased awareness of this truth increases its efficacy in our lives. It strengthens us and helps us grow more as we more fully give ourselves to Christ within it.

Today's word

Now here's a new one on me:

temerarious /'tem-uh-RAIR-ee-us/ - marked by temerity : rashly or presumptuously daring

I had a sense of what this one might mean, because I recognized the common roots with temerity. Nice WOTD, Merriam-Webster. But I love that you have also given me a new word for how I long to live: intemerately. 

Why mornings are a struggle

1. They are a time of opportunity. I am alone. 
2. As a result: habit. 
3. He used to awaken me by taking advantage of my physically aroused condition. 

Participating in the hedge of protection

If I'm going to ask God to protect me, and ask the holy saints and souls to intercede on my behalf, then it is important for me to turn away from behaviors that I formerly used as part of my build-up pattern. I used to tell myself that some of these weren't really objectively sinful, but as I look back at them from an increasing distance, they clearly were, and that's in addition to where I used to let them lead me.

Sometimes, though, like the Israelites in the desert, the entire thing I've left behind seems more desirable than I have learned it to be. It seems like Turkish Delight: I remember the sweet indulgence overwhelming my taste buds rather than the nauseating feeling in my stomach after.

I like to think

When my stats show a hit from a part of the world where I know someone, I like to assume that the person I know has read my blog. It makes me feel like I'm connected with someone.

Today's pageview zip code

Fort Wayne, IN  46825  The dear reader has probably read enough about my trip to South Bend and my ride in Three Oaks, so I won't bother with another link to them, although I almost certainly passed through this zip code to get to there. I suppose if I'd realized I'd have so many more opportunities I might have saved some of the details for later.

Today's words

gravid /GRAV-id/ - 1. pregnant 2. distended or full with eggs

Not a brand new word for me, but one I hadn't encountered in long enough that it took me a moment to recall it. 

nostoc /NAH-'stahk/ - 1.  any of a genus (Nostoc) of usually filamentous cyanobacteria that fix nitrogen

Today's Dictionary Devil puzzle gave it as any of a genus of blue-green algae that fix nitrogen. However, Wikipedia's article on cyanobacteria indicates that one of these two definitions is inaccurate, as algae contain membrane-bound organelles and bacteria do not. The Wikipedia entry for nostoc agrees with the definition linked above, as does an article at the Michigan State University Extension website, while Britannica agrees with the puzzle. I lack time to chase any further down this rabbit hole to nail this down definitively. Have at it, and feel free to leave a comment.

assonance /A-suh-nuhns/ -  the use of words that have the same or very similar vowel sounds near one another (as in “summer fun” and “rise high in the bright sky”)

A less familiar word to me than gravid, but not entirely new, also from today's Dictionary Devil, which points out that it is often used in verse as an alternative to true rhyme. 

Same ol'

But I think that's a good thing now.

I must be in a newish place

The only song I've ever heard three times on Excursions: The Three of Me. The first time, it smacked me upside my head. The second time I listened more closely, and later looked up the lyrics and blogged about it. Today it came on while I was power napping with the radio volume on its lowest setting, and it woke me just enough to call me back to work.

I hope that its lack of effect on me this time might mean that the man I was doesn't still have the prominent place in me that I had given him for too long.

Sooo tired

I thought I slept pretty well last night. But now I want a nap!

Temptation and Sin

It is said that when we sin, temptation lessens.  For this reason, Jesus alone knows the full weight of temptation, because He never yielded to it. Many others know that power in one area of their lives or another, but perhaps no one but Christ has ever known it in their weakest area.

Or maybe it's also true that, when we sin, that particular temptation grows stronger the next time. Or does it just feel that way because the will is weak in that area? We probably can't be certain.

And it is probably not very useful to dwell on this overmuch.  In either case, it is with the beginnings of gratitude that I observe that purity requires diligence, along with a determination to trust God to do what I never have before. I haven't believed it impossible, but I have dismissed it as less desirable than carnality.

A thankful sigh

Thank you, Lord, for getting me through this evening. My clean walls  (more to go) and unscathed soul thank You for Your steadfast help. Still, this feels a lot like the start of a build up phase, and I don't want it to be that. Guard my heart and my will, Lord.

Weak willed . . .

. . . and depending on you, Lord.

Dear Reader, please pray for me.

Today's word

titivate /tih-tuh-vayt/ - to make or become smart or spruce

Yep, this is a new one on me! 

The open-minded myth

I was just reading how S. E. Hinton was recently blasted online for daring to suggest that she neither conceived of nor wrote her characters as gay. The "open-minded" liberal community strikes again. Anyone who doesn't agree with their conclusions will feel their wrath.

One reason for this is that the LGBT community was oppressed for "being who they are" for so long that they are determined to never return there. And I get that. The acts of violence committed against those who see and express their sexuality in non-traditional ways have been unconscionable. They are going to see anyone who disagrees with their experience of and conclusions about their sexuality as enabling or even an extension of that violence.

But perhaps there is also this element: when we insist on something that we want to be true, we tend to be militantly defensive about it. Unfortunately, the only answer that satisfies us is for everyone to affirm us.

Today's pageview zip code

Laotto, IN 46763, still along the route to my cousin's place in Michigan.

Today's not-new word

osculate /AHSS-kyu-layt/ - kiss

Okay, reader. Find someone you love and honor today's word.

Funny follow-up: I forget my wife's vocabulary isn't as broad. So I told her what today's word was, but not what it meant, and then I kissed her. She replied, "Oh, are you hoping it will osculate into something else?" I then explained, "Umm, 'osculate' means 'kiss.' I think you mean 'escalate.'" It was punny, even if unintentional.

Recent page view zip codes

 . . . have been in northeastern Indiana near, but not on, my routes to and from South Bend, IN and Three Oaks, MI, (Arcola, IN  46704) and also Vicksburg, MI (Auburn, IN  46706; Corunna, IN 46730), or all of these (Albion, IN 46701)

Not pushing the envelope (edited)

One of the ways that an abuser or other addict perpetuates their cycle is the fool's quest for the point of no return. (Sing it, Steve Walsh, though Kansas used a play on words.) "Where was it that I went wrong?" we ask, never learning (because, unlike WOPR, we can't set the number of players to 0) that the only winning move is to not play.

So the (substance- or behaviorally) addicted person convinces himself that the first step is harmless. We deprive ourselves of the gift of getting beyond the whole environment/dynamic because of the harmless part of it we don't want to give up. Or we don't recognize the earliest indicators, the first red flags (the tension at the base of my skull, the emotional triggers, the key aspects of our personality, the (even unavoidable) environmental factors) that form a key part of the cycle. And we keep playing the game and losing, over and over. Learning and breaking this pattern is what lets me put the word "recovered" in front of abuser, but the motivation for that was so strong: I never wanted to hurt anyone else like that ever again. I didn't hate my own remaining impurity, though, enough to address it with the same intensity, or maybe clarity.

Maybe I'm getting free from all of that now, but it's too early to be certain. In fact, it could well be that certainty is the enemy of freedom. If a benevolent king has brought me victory from my oppressor, I probably shouldn't be seeking to be out from under his influence! I've long been cognizant of a too-common approach to Christianity. It's objective is not to improve us to some point at which we no longer need a Savior because we have "arrived" at a sufficient level of wholeness. Rather, we need to recognize that we are only whole in relationship with Him, and our weakness then becomes a reminder to always stay close to Him.

As I participate with Grace

It's good for me to work through these things, to finally see this aspect clearly.

I wish I didn't feel so alone while I do.

At the same time, there is probably really only One to whom I should look for support. But He usually isn't very tangible.

In whatever form He sends me His arms, I'll take them.

Today's (not new) word

variegated /VAIR-ee-uh-'gay-tud/ - 1. having discrete markings of different colors  2. various, diverse, varied

I know this word because of my great aunt Emma (after whom my granddaughter Emma is not named), who always had a crocheting project going, and it was almost always an afghan. Her old hands would work surely, seemingly on their own as she carried on conversations or watched television, except when, depending on the pattern of her current project, she'd stop periodically to recount when she lost track of the number of stitches she'd completed. She often used variegated yarn.

That's not the memory that made me want to blog this word that I know, though. The year after my dad died, mom didn't work, and we lived off of his insurance and social security for a while. She needed something to do to keep her from losing her mind; idleness was poison to her. So she decided to crochet afghans for my sister and I. Her aunt got her started with the first two rows of mine, her first afghan ever, and then she took over. It was a simple chevron pattern with alternating orange and white stripes. But because she was new to crocheting, her stitches weren't as tight as Aunt Em's were, so my afghan was wider at one end than the other. I still treasure it, though. (It was not, however, made of variegated yarn.) I think I still have my late sister's, too, but maybe have handed it down to our middle daughter, her goddaughter.

I hate this feeling (edited)

I've been feeling this tense dread at the base of my skull for almost forty years without recognizing it. It's the feeling of resignation to the inevitable detestable abomination. It is the knowledge that I am eventually going to give in to whatever he wants to do to me (with me; my brain wrongly agrees with him that it is what I want, too), of knowing that he won't be so kind as to completely force himself on me, even though he has left me with no way to escape until I yield. No, he's going to make me know that I have chosen to experience that overwhelming rush of the pleasurable release of orgasm, followed by the crushing shame of what I've just done. This is that feeling, that I'm going to end up hating myself, or maybe just that I'm going to prove again how deserving I am to be loathed. He's my mother's boyfriend: how could I do this with him?

I hate this feeling. I can't believe how familiar this lifelong physical sensation of tension in the face of temptation is, without my having ever been aware of it. I completely hate - totally abhor - that I let it be part of multiple behavior patterns, including my worst one.

Now I believe that God is using it as a means of my freedom. Each time I notice it, it reminds me of where my emotions and habits will be taking me if I don't give myself over to my loving Savior in this very moment.

At least, that is how it has been working thus far. If this is how it is to be, it is to become the Maror of my Seder, a pointed reminder of my bitter slavery, now that I have been set free.

The reason it's important

If the objective of our life was primarily to avoid sin, it wouldn't much matter whether we did it by grace or by brute force of will. (Let us set aside for a moment the impossibility of the latter.)

But it isn't!

So the reason it's important to turn to God when we're feeling weak and vulnerable isn't just to be helped through whatever degree of crisis we might be facing, and the reason for turning to Him when we are feeling strong isn't so that we won't stumble when we're feeling weak.

It's a little like the incredulous question the late Fr. Neuhaus raises in Death on a Friday Afternoon, while he's speculating about whether God's desire for every beloved son and daughter of His to be saved might actually be fulfilled. He talks about those whose response to that possibility is worry about the benefit of walking with the Lord, then, if our destiny ends up being the same, if God's grace really manages to overcome every person's sin. I'm probably paraphrasing his response: What's the point‽ The point is that you get to walk with the Lord!!

No benefit we might think passes us by when we turn away from sin to walk more closely with Him comes anywhere near that of knowing the One who loves us like no other! And no righteous side effect of avoiding sin compares with this joy, either.

There are many who approach faith as if it is primarily about its beneficial effects on society. They are as wrong as those who elevate any other gift of God above the presence of God Himself. The second greatest commandment is important, but there's a Reason it isn't the greatest!

Area of weakness

I thank You, Lord, for a morning of not feeling particularly weak, but still knowing it was because of Your grace and Your Spirit being at work. I know there will be more challenging times to come, and that turning to You when I'm not feeling especially vulnerable is every bit as important as doing so when I am.

Wait . . .

Maybe the unsolvable puzzles represent my life . . .

Time to quit a game

I've been playing Flow Free, Bridges. But when I start seeing dots and pipe and unsolvable puzzles in my sleep, it's time to find another pastime.

God?

I can't. I can't want to. But I also don't want to return to my chains.

You do it.

(Later addition: THANK YOU!)

A slow learner

We've been married 35 years, 10 months, and 12 days (and a few hours), so I can't believe we're having this conversation: yes, we need to coordinate schedules before making plans. No, I'm not being a controlling jackass for pointing this out. (I mean, a control freak would raise this issue, too, but with a very different emotional dynamic.)

And: I shouldn't be surprised that you're just dismissing my concerns; that's how you respond when I raise an issue. Sometimes you proceed to ignore it, other times you come around. We'll see which this is.

You drive me crazy. I love you.

The struggle is still real . . .

. . . even when I'm not writing about it. It used to be that I mostly didn't write about it because I wasn't engaged in it (i.e. I'd failed again, or wasn't even trying not to). But if this is going to be my new normal, I'm going to have to not write about it more often, even when I'm successful in resisting a temptation or I'm encountering a complication because of another frustration in my life.

That doesn't mean I'm not gratefully celebrating God's grace each time He doesn't "suffer my foot to slip." (I still love Psalm 121.) It's all the more important that I do, lest I get puffed up about "my" success, which past experience have shown me is swiftly fleeting. How many allegedly "well-kept" Lenten seasons have I followed up with Easter seasons that convinced me of my depravity?

Yesterday's word

I wasn't staying up even for the few minutes it would have taken to share this one when I saw it just before bedtime last night.

glaucous /GLAW-kus/ - 1a. of a pale yellow-green color  b. of a light bluish-gray or bluish-white color  2. having a powdery or waxy coating that gives a frosted appearance and tends to rub off

Regarding the definitions 1a and 1b: decide already.

Why I fail

First off, you probably don't want to know this about me. (Cowardly Lion slowly reads from sign: "I'd turn back if I were you." No, really, you should.)

Secondly, and very importantly to me, I've never used this as an excuse for my own actions, and I'm not starting now. But it can be important to know how patterns in our life became ingrained us. That said, this pattern belonged to me before he seared it into my being. I have already repented of and renounced the actions of my youth when it began, and forgiven my forebears for their choices which left me vulnerable.

I've written before about the weekend when he transitioned from grooming me to sexually abusing me. This first incident, on Thanksgiving weekend of 1977 at the YMCA in NYC - so pardon me for never agreeing that it's fun to stay there - was also the first time he prevented me from leaving. I resisted his entreaties for the longest time before eventually submitting to them - and to my own arousal. He was right, of course, that first time: he was only asking me to do in front of him what I already did privately. My own choices are an important part of what made me vulnerable to him. But the pattern I'm now dealing with began to be ingrained into me as he stood there, between me and the door, until my "no" began to yield to "I don't think so," and eventually, "I suppose," resulting in the overwhelming pleasure of the orgasm, and the crushing shame.

Later, in his secret apartment in Baltimore, on multiple occasions he would physically overcome me to impose his will on me, but it still resulted in my cooperation in the end, with its invariable physical and endorphic (if that's a word and not just a band name) payoff. I don't say that anymore to heap blame on myself for something that wasn't my fault. But it's important to really understand how the pattern of eventually giving in became a part of me. I gave in before him, so I'd already invited in that spiritual influence, but he bound me to it when he stole the power from me to be able to not give in when I didn't want to, no matter how determined I was not to.

I am still responsible for my own decisions, though, and that really is the point of dredging up these ugly memories.

So now I take that power back.

That's one of the things I love about Unbound: if something was taken from you spiritually, you can take it back!

I am a son of the living God

I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.

Four decades of failure . . .

. . . make failure feel inevitable. I'm sharing this now, when I'm not alone and not immediately tempted. Addicts and alcoholics in recovery mark the passing time of their sobriety and somehow eventually lose the sense that failure is certain. But the successful ones also have a support network of meetings, sponsors, etc.

Still, I believe in my deliverance by my Savior's power and authority, and I believe in a truth that is greater than my fear of failure - a fear which I continue to renounce in the name of Jesus. And, in my moments of "opportunity" to sin, I will have this reminder that each is also an opportunity to live as the redeemed and restored son of my loving Father, who empowers me by His very Spirit living within me because He is so crazy in love with me.

What I meant yesterday and where I am today

I may have left the impression that the reason I hate going to bed alone on a nightly basis is mainly sexual. It isn't, and last night, when I didn't, was nice, even though we weren't.

But today still feels very dark, sitting here alone, to the point that I awoke from my impromptu - and poorly positioned - nap (my neck hurts) thinking about a place and a means. So instead of taking action on either of those, I believe I'll change clothes and get some exercise.

I know my other, former means of self-medicating will only take me closer to the edge afterward. (In case it isn't obvious: I'm feeling tempted to. Heavenly Papa, please help me.)

Things my stepfather said that were true

There is no substitute for having the right tools for the job.

You can't make a racehorse out of a jackass.

Thank you, Lord

. . . for keeping me close to You, for planting and nurturing and guarding my desire to please You.

Or maybe . . .

 . . . You're just going to use this to make me less of an ass.

Today's word

orphrey /OR-free/ - 1a. elaborate embroidery  b.  a piece of such embroidery  2.  an ornamental border or band especially on an ecclesiastical vestment

I may have known today's WOTD (frieze), but I didn't know this related word.

The joy of being your son . . .

. . . is an alien concept to me this morning, God.

I've finally figured out why . . .

. . . you'd rather stay up late watching television every night than come to bed with me, no matter how many times we've discussed how it makes me feel.

I must really suck in the sack.

I'm incredibly obtuse, too. It only took me 39 years of mediocre sex to figure it out. 

</sarcasm>

(finally figured out how to make that faux html tag work) 

So that at least one positive comes from this: in the name of Jesus, I repent of my current self-centeredness, and of having premarital sexual relations. 

Today's pageview zip codes

Argos, IN  46501, Atwood, IN 46502  I have passed just north of these zip code twice - well, on both legs of round trips on two separate occasions. The first time was in 1988, with our friends Herb and Maureen as we attended the national charismatic conference at Notre Dame. This was my only visit to the campus, and I can understand why people love it. This was just a couple months after my sister had passed away, suddenly and unexpectedly at age 23, due to a drug problem none of us knew she had. I didn't fully realize how filled with remorse I was over the role I might have played in her drug issues in my younger days - by the conference I'd turned 28 (so a dear friend was a newborn!) - and that I'd never really shared the gospel with her following my conversion experience. After the sessions late one night, I joined others at the grotto and felt led to ask for prayer, though I wasn't really sure for what. I was surprised when I heard myself sharing with the prayer team the burden that I didn't even realize was on my heart. As they prayed with me, I had the experience of being "slain in the Spirit" for the only time in my life, as the Holy Spirit brought me God's consolation in my grief and flooded me with a deep sense of His mercy and love. I laid there for what felt like a half hour but was probably only a few minutes, allowing my loving Lord to minister to me, and arose with a deep sense of gratitude for His forgiveness and with a truly peaceful spirit, as the months-long tension with which I'd been unwittingly living was lifted from me. The next day I found myself able to join in the praise and worship with abandon.

My second trip through the area was on my way to and from the Apple Cider Century in Three Oaks, MI. At that point, I still had aspirations of doing a century (100-mile ride) in every state, back before my cramping issues really developed. I'll have to look at my shirt from that ride to see what year it was, or perhaps I have information in a scrapbook at home. Memories of the ride: I overnighted at a motel west of South Bend and drove the last 25 miles the morning of the ride; a pancake breakfast was served in the town firehouse; there was apple cider to drink at every rest stop; the ride was very well supported; route markings were in the shape of an apple, and color coded for the five different length rides; I ended up feeling a little as if I had cheated on my goal, because about 45 miles of the century route was in Indiana; I talked with some folks at both breakfast and lunch who had come over from Chicago for the ride; lunch was at park in a neighborhood with a beautiful view of Lake Michigan. A coworker friend did this ride just a few years ago and lunch was no longer at such a picturesque venue.

The other song . . .

. . . that really spoke to me last week:

REFRAIN:
Help me, Lord. I am in need,
reaching out to You.
Call to me with Your own voice,
The voice that I once knew.

In my darkest night I wait for You,
Longing to be free
Let me hear my name by Your own voice
Calling out to me.  

All around me, Lord, is darkness
Drawing me away.
Bring me back you. Just call my name.
Show me, Lord, Your way. 

When I reach for you, I tremble, Lord.
I am filled with fear.
Will you hold me, Lord, in Your embrace,
Wrapping me with care?  

 - Jerry Galipeau, Help Me, Lord, WLP

I have been very comforted to discover that the answer to that last question is always "yes."

Today's words

hoick /hoik/ - to move or pull abruptly : yank

I immediately saw the relationship between today's word and "hike," but guessed wrong about which came first in this context.

adaption /uh-DAP-shun, a-/ -  adaptation

One of my coworkers used this in a proposal I'm reviewing. It made sense to me that it could be a word, but I had to look it up to see that it is. 

Being honest with God

Dear Lord, my heavenly Papa, I'm weak and afraid. Even though I've renounced it as a lie before, I have a hard time fully believing that he wasn't right. Sometimes I'm more afraid of missing out on incredible pleasure than I am of not living according to Your plan for me. I know that's a lack in my faith, and I repent of it, and renounce doubt. But I'm not leaning on my faith, nor cowering in my weakness. I'm leaning on You, the only Daddy who has never let me down.

Today's word

colubrine /KAHL-yuh-bryne/ - 1. of, relating to, or resembling a snake  2. of or relating to a large cosmopolitan family (Colubridae) of chiefly nonvenomous snakes

I thought I already had a post somewhere on this blog with a list of adjectives that describe animals. If so, I can't seem to remember any of the animal adjectives on it: bovine returns only a post I won't link to because I'm a little annoyed with myself over it, in retrospect; ovine leads to a possibly insightful post I wrote while observing from a distance as a friend increased the level of chaos in his own home; canine leads to an interesting lesson our dog once taught me and a darker morning from a couple years ago than I have since seen the likes of; the rest that I can think of off the top of my head - feline, leonine, lupine, and vulpine - don't yield any search results. 

All of that is to say that I don't remember colubrine being on the list - and there were more than I've listed above on there - that I remember working on somewhere, but which I can't now find, anyway. 

Exodus

In a time and place of repeated failure, I turn to You, Lord.  I place my desire to be with You ahead of my habit of not being able to make "no" last. He may have imposed that pattern in me against my will, long decades ago, but I long since accepted it as part of me. You've now set me free from the spirit of slavery; let me not, in the desert of my fear, look to return to my bondage, as Your people did in their Exodus. Help me through this desert. I will trust You to make a way for me through the sea. I will eat Your manna and quail without grumbling. I will trust You to draw water from the Rock. And I believe that You will lead me to the land of milk and honey, into which I will trust You to deliver me.

Note to self:

(as if, given my known readership, this entire blog wasn't just a note to myself . . . )

Being stretched is a good thing.

Today's word

jacquerie /zhah-kuh-REE/ - (often capitalized) a peasants' revolt

After a bit of a lull last week, we're back to interesting new words this week. I think I've seen this one before, but not often, and it was by no means in my regular vocabulary.

Side effects

There can be many ways in which we primarily approach God as a means to some other end: health, success, wealth, self-improvement, the life we imagine, relationships, morality.

Many benefits can accrue to our lives when we know God, and every one of them can become an idol. The only real, lasting benefit of knowing God is in knowing the One who loves us most, growing intimate with Him, having our hearts simultaneously rejoice and break with love for God and our neighbor.

Today's word

ab initio /ab-ih-NISH-ee-oh/ - from the beginning

This definition is certainly not a surprise, and I am sure I'd have recognized this word had I encountered it in context, even though it wasn't familiar. My brain insists on using the Latin pronunciation of words that are clearly directly from that language; in this case, I want to pronounce this as /ahb-ee-NEET-see-oh/.

Today's pageview zip code

Gary, IN  46403, 46409 - I've definitely driven through these on my way to and from Chicago. I went through the second one on my first trip, on my way around to Oakbrook Terrace, and through the first one when my bride and I made our Chicago trip the following year. We had a great weekend in which we took in a play (Cabaret, with Teri Hatcher) and a baseball game (Orioles at White Sox), and I introduced her to both Maggiano's and Giordano's, as well as had my first Chicago style hot dog.

I just remembered that there was a third trip, too, to set up for a trade show in 1997. In fact, now that I think about the details, I'm pretty sure the trip I mentioned in last week's post actually followed that one, and that this trade show trip was when I visited both Maggiano's and Giordano's for the first time.

More follow up

Or: An area of weakness, humble faith, and fear of failure

One of the realities that Neal Lozano describes concerning deliverance, in the context of the Unbound model but also of deliverance in general, is that it "moves us from an area of bondage to an area of weakness." He says that this sounds bad, and he's right, it does, and he's right again: it isn't. When we know we are weak and we depend on Christ in those areas, then we are actually strong.

When we've struggled in an area for decades of our life, it can be a challenge to have faith that God will really provide victory in the long term. This is an additional reason why faith (along with repentance) is the first key to spiritual freedom: we must believe that God loves us and wants us to know the victory He has won for us. But this victory is different from everything we have learned about winning in our physical and professional lives. We learn that we are victorious when we work harder than our opponents and make our own skills stronger than theirs. It's Fr. Spitzer's "comparative identity" again: we know most of our victories in comparison to others' defeats. (I suppose that this previous post contains my best description of Fr. Spitzer's concept.) Our pride can come into play here, too: most of us want the affirmation that comes from knowing that we have accomplished what we set out to do.

Conversely, we may also need to renounce the spirit of fear - fear of failure - that can further complicate the dynamics of any area of our lives over which we have struggled unsuccessfully. Yielding to this fear can provide an entryway for a spirit of anxiety in our lives, as well. All of these things can be ours to deal with in the flesh, but they can also have a spiritual element that comes to inhabit them and hold us in bondage to our shortcomings. As I write about this, I feel the tension at the base of my skull building, confirming that these weaknesses and spiritual influences have been at work in my life for decades. And now I also recognize them as the schemes of my adversary to keep me from living in the power of Jesus' cross and resurrection in this area of my life.

When I trust that it is better to allow God's victory to have its way in my life than it would be to have any victory on my own, and I truly believe in God who truly wants me to know the joy of leaning on Him each step of the way, then in the Name of Jesus I can renounce the spirits of pride, doubt, fear, anxiety, and impurity, break the hold they have had over my life, and command them to go, and they have no choice but to leave, because I have both revoked the authority I may have previously given them to stay and embraced Jesus' authority over them, under which I am now living.

It may take some time for my own behavioral habit or tendency to fade, but as I turn to God in these moments of temptation, I trust that I will find that His strength will overcome my weakness. Indeed, I must never long for the day when I don't need Him for victory in this area, but rather desire to be more dependent on Him rather than more independent. In this way, I will develop a different habit and tendency to replace the one to which I have been bound for so long, which is a mere side effect of the greater gift of walking more closely with the One who loves me perfectly.

Follow up

My newly noticed physical cue is thus far proving helpful. It's soon yet, though.

A nice day together

Left after Mass for a train ride in Lebanon. Hung out in town for a while after it. Drove back to Centerville for dinner at City Barbecue, where they were giving away the very game I'd mentioned wanting to buy just a week or so ago. Visited briefly with oldest daughter to drop off some of her kids' stuff they'd left here. Came home and played Pass the Pigs. Then watched what my wife wanted on television before (soon) calling it a night.

Timely readings, sermon, songs

Though I walk in darkness, through the needle's eye of death, you never leave my side. - Shelter Me, O God,  Bob Hurd

Great readings on perseverance today, including a Psalm (121) that once helped keep me alive.

Strengths, weaknesses

We love each other.
We are committed to one another (not merely to the concept of marriage).
We still enjoy each other's company.
We seek opportunities to grow together - though not as frequently as we used to.
We are willing to bear the ups and downs of life.
We each have a strong spirituality, and an appreciation for the other's.
We bear with challenges.
Our individual strengths are complementary.
We sincerely don't want to hurt each other, and we know this is true even when the other does something that hurts us.
We trust that God will get us through even the toughest things, and use them for good.

Besides our family, we have virtually no meaningful common interests.
One of us is unwilling to change something that's killing the other.
One of us has become an ungrateful wretch who, despite the last listed strength, too frequently wishes he could die.

I'm pretty sure God honors the intent

 . . . When you give your confessor a wrong piece of information and so he gives you a penance that you can't complete.      :(

I got as close as I could . . .

What if?

What if this impurity that I have renounced, and over which I am feeling as if I am now finally relying on Christ for victory, was serving as a means of escaping . . . something more threatening? 

Seventeen

How could I have not realised that the new MacGyver would be on The List?

OF COURSE we're out of ink

It never fails. Ugh.

A physical/emotional response

I just noticed a strange and revelatory response I had (have, I'm pretty sure; it felt familiar) to a frequent thought. I was setting aside a temptation to engage in an impure thought process that leads me to sin, partly because I just received prayer for this area last night in preparation for this weekend's Unbound seminar. It was the most subtly sublime moment of grace-filled, Spirit-driven self revelation, concerning a physio-emotional response that I have to temptation. As I decided to not engage in this thought process, I felt the muscles at the base of my skull contract, and I noticed that I thought of why I don't want to engage in that thought process right now, as if I was reserving it to return to at a later time.

As I say, this felt familiar, and I considered other recent times that I have felt this physical sensation. It turns out that it has never been so much a rejection as a postponement of my tempting thoughts, and it is a reason I have not been able to persevere in purity in this area. I then considered when else I have felt like this: it also turns out that this response was seared into me when I was being sexually abused. It is directly related to my resignation to my physical inability to ever force my way past my stepfather to escape from the room when I was a teenager. It became part of the inevitability of my submission to him sexually, and subsequently of my submission to sexual impurity in general.

Wow. This is exactly the sort of red flag I should have learned about in one of my rounds of therapy. It's a question I would now ask of anyone who shared that they struggle in a given area: go back to the beginning of the latest incident, and let's go through how your body physically responded before you realized you were responding. Then: when is the earliest time you remember feeling that way?

I'm not going to assume that the battle is over now. But I understand something about it that I never did before, a physical and emotional and thought process that ties in with the spiritual aspect that I've tried to invoke previously. Perhaps, now that I have all four pieces, I can have lasting victory in this area.

Today's pageview zip code

Hammond, IN 46324  I drove through here on my first trip to Chicago, a business visit to train field engineers to use our new knowledge base. I stayed in Oakbrook Terrace and road the El into the city for my first visit. I had dinner at Maggiano's with our department head, and had my first Giordano's pizza. Before I left our local service manager took a few of us to a very foggy dessert at the top of the Hancock building, after making us momentarily fear for our lives by turning the wrong way on a partially closed street.  I'd later return with Teri for a weekend date, but we didn't pass through this zip code together because we stayed in the city proper.