Don't Ever Give Up

I've no idea if this post will be at all coherent, and that's okay.

Before I could start in on much of anything else this morning, I was reading a little of Matthew Berry's weekly fantasy love/hate, even though I don't have time for fantasy football. I like the other things he writes about in his column. Since it's Jimmy V week at ESPN, he ended that part with the quote from Valvano's famous speech at the ESPY's back in the 90's. It struck me, because of the strange feeling I had driving home from the pharmacy last night of wanting to set the cruise control, take my hands from the wheel, and close my eyes. I knew better than to give into this, of course. Oddly, it wasn't rooted in any circumstances of my life. Things are actually going pretty well.

After toileting, I lit the Advent candle for my first time of praying by its light in the morning. Sixth day of Advent. Clearly I haven't been doing this season right, not preparing my heart as I should, and that certainly has nothing to do with not having a whisky Advent calendar in my life.

I love to pray the Office of Readings during Advent and Christmas, by the light of the Advent wreath and then the Christmas tree. This morning's prayer time (link will probably not be valid indefinitely) was hard for me, but I think it will end up being in a good way.

Instead of the invitatory listed at the link above, I like to use Psalm 24 daily for most of Advent. This morning, when I reached the psalmist's observation about who can ascend to the holy place, I lamented my continued impurity and desire for worthless things. It was nearly a despairing feeling to know that I still struggle so much, until I remember that I am supposed to struggle, so that I might never seek to enter God's presence by any means except His grace as expressed in the Savior whom His people await. Then, in Psalm 34, I recognized that I am my own chief enemy, from whom I need the Lord to deliver me.

The Isaiah reading reminded me that all of God's children will ultimately find their place in Him, although some chastisement along the way may be in order.

And I still love the reading from St. Anselm, with its insistent call to make this time, this season, what it should be. I am not the first to long for God, even since Christ walked the earth fulfilling the Israelites longing for a Savior. I should, however, never give up seeking Him, or I shall certainly not encounter His presence.