Today's words

Courtesy of the Dictionary Devil puzzle:

epigone \ˈe-pə-ˌgōn\ - follower, disciple; also :  an inferior imitator

Silly me. I had the right idea about this word but the completely wrong pronunciation and etymology, based on my misunderstanding that it would be related to "epitome."

compurgator \ˈkäm-(ˌ)pər-ˌgā-tər\ - one who under oath vouches for the character or conduct of an accused person

Because everybody needs a twenty-five cent word that means "character witness."

debenture \di-ˈben-chər\ - 1. British :  a corporate security other than an equity security :  bond
2.  a bond backed by the general credit of the issuer rather than a specific lien on particular assets

I'm pretty sure I've heard this investment term before. I couldn't have told you what it means, though.

That moment when . . .

. . . an old friend, who has been aware of my history nearly from the start - though she never really understood our situation very well, for which I've always made allowances because, after all, who would want to? - calls the house and opens the conversation with, "I'm sorry, I know this is going to sound awkward, but I needed to talk with you instead of your wife because you're the only person I know who," and proceeds to name the worst possible truth about me using the most legally inaccurate descriptor possible. I let this pass, too, as she was clearly distraught and struggling. She then followed up by describing a family situation that must be reported to the authorities.

Must.

It makes me grateful, for the moment, to be in my own shoes, to be able to speak clarity into the muddiness of their lives, to expose the thinking errors that will otherwise keep her from doing what she must.

But if she won't, then I must.

Feeling hopeless again. And then not.

You know, I'm not really all that guarded. You just don't care enough to read my expressed thoughts, or to set aside your vapid entertainment to have a real, human connection. No wonder I so often feel as if I'm alone in the world.

I wrote the previous paragraph after coming in from mowing on a humid night to find a detestable program on the television. I retreated upstairs to cool down and resigned myself to soon calling it an early night.

Shortly thereafter, I was pleasantly surprised when she came upstairs and asked if I wanted to play what has become our nightly game.

I'm not sure whether this bodes well for the future or if it's just a matter of there only being one thing on that catches her interest at present. But in either case, it is also a case study for me of the importance of not rushing into snap judgments and not assuming the worst. There are indeed things in our relationship which will be impossible to change, but I need to quit doubting that I can trust God to use our marriage to make me into the person he dreams for me to be.

An idol

I suppose if we were a nation with whom God had established a covenant, I would feel a whole lot more worried about an idolatrous statue. But I think the idols we already worship are way worse than this one.

And I'm not just talking about others.

Today's words

abulia \ay-BOO-lee-uh\ - abnormal lack of ability to act or to make decisions

Wow, a completely new one.  I wonder if this is applicable to the usually temporary - if sometimes quite long term - depressed condition from which some mourners often feel unable to rouse themselves.

etymon \ˈe-tə-ˌmän\ - 1a.  an earlier form of a word in the same language or an ancestral language
b.  a word in a foreign language that is the source of a particular loanword  2.  a word or morpheme from which words are formed by composition or derivation

Another new word, though with a familiar root. (Well, I suppose the "a" in the previous word meets that criterion, too.)

A bright light

We went to the area board meeting in Cincinnati on Friday night, not really knowing what to expect but mainly hoping to connect with the larger Marriage Encounter community. We also hoped there might be other couples from the Dayton area there, but apparently none of the leaders could get subs to attend.

(The meeting was in the current parish of our former pastor, but it turns out that he was out of town on vacation, so there wasn't a chance to see him.)

After the informal meet and greet period, we had an opening prayer and then took some time for introductions. There were a lot of couples from around the Cincinnati and northern Kentucky area, and apparently we weren't the only ones there for the first time. I was surprised at what happened next, as the couple who was leading the meeting apparently thought the couple from the ecclesial team was going to be presenting, and vice versa! Oops.

Fortunately the ecclesial team couple at least had a dialogue question handy on which we could write and share: In what ways to I struggle to be vulnerable to you? What are my feelings about my answer?

Well, I must confess to experiencing a moment of panic when I heard this. Did I dare to tell the truth concerning the depth of my isolation? I suppose I decided that it was now or never. It wouldn't be right to share here what I wrote to my bride, but it was honest and vulnerable and heartfelt. I know it was a surprise to her, but she received it in the same spirit as I offered it.

In turn, she also shared a significant struggle that she has in our relationship, one that didn't surprise me at all and very much fits with our relationship history. Again, it wouldn't be proper to share what that is, but I think I can say without compromising her confidence that, if I am not primarily responsible for her struggle, I did substantially contribute to it through the way I treated her in the first decade and a half of our marriage.

We have a follow-up question on which we have agreed to dialogue, but having the younger two of the older set of grandchildren over last night prevented our doing so. I believe I will invite her to do so shortly.

A glimmer

The line in this great article that was most helpful to me:

One thing I love about marriage (and I love a lot of things about marriage) is that you can have a bad day or even a bad few years, full of doubt . . . and confusion . . .

I'm sorry I snapped at you

I've really enjoyed playing Farkle with you in the evenings since you've gotten home. But I'm going to hate it if you spend it texting the whole time like last night.

It isn't a matter of paying attention to the game. It's a matter of setting aside some dedicated time together.

You'd spent ten minutes almost constantly texting with our daughter when I (rudely) asked if you would please stop that. I realize that my tone of voice was not conducive to what I was trying to accomplish, and I am sorry for not being more gentle.

You paused for a few minutes, but didn't stop, as the texts kept coming and you just had to answer them.

Most of my nostalgia hurts

Searching in vain around the house for gutter screws last night - of which I ended up buying ten (more) and using one, just like the last time - I stumbled across a box with old pictures my mom had, along with her birth certificate. While there is a sense of nostalgic warmth in them, there is also terrible heartache and loss, and not just for those who have died. I feel as if those pictures portray my lost self, too.

Even the simple act of referring an old friend to the business of another former friend reminds me of what is gone. We were so close, and I ruined it. And another old friendship, from college, where the feelings were mutual, might have been preserved; I can only presume that she hadn't told her husband about the time we saw each other in the early 80's, and I let the cat out of the bag.

I guess I'm feeling lonely, lately. I'm glad that my relationship with my bride, at least, has been going pretty well,. Still, she can't be everything to me, and that's okay. I'm being careful, though, not to seek the wrong things elsewhere - substitutional closeness, for instance.

Now, to apply as needed

It is the height of vanity to deny myself the grace and mercy that I freely grant every other person in the world. - words I heard coming from my own mouth at lunch time

Hesitation

I've been reading about the semicolon tattoo. The idea appeals to me and terrifies me at the same time. I think it would make my struggles seem bigger and more omnipresent than they have been. At the same time, it represents a degree of openness that feels foreign to me now. (Younger me is slapping me inside my head now.)

So many decisions, too. I'd want it to be more artistic or expressive, but how? And where? Not too in-everyone's-face, not too private.

Okay, this isn't going to happen.

"I Just Do"

Sometimes it becomes your life.

Read this link first. (Ignore the click bait graphic.)

Even if the reasons were all wrong through the decades:

• because no one else will have me
• because I fell into her eyes and couldn't climb back out
• because she loves me
• because I need to be loved
• because she's the mother of our children
• because I'm committed to our marriage
• because she has forgiven me
• because I don't deserve her
• because I'll die without her
• because she deserves to be loved

Eventually, there accumulates decades of what amounts to "because I just do." 

I think you deserve better than this. You deserve for someone to know why they live for every moment of life with you. But I will continue to lay down my life for you, and continue to refuse any temptation to take it back up again for myself. Sometimes this seems to be all I have to give. And as I told you - as we told each other - just last week, after you there won't be another.

I don't know why I love you, why I still choose you, but this choice seems to have become who I am, and I am convinced I can only be the man I am called to be in this choice.

Boundaries

One of my former classmates (grade school and high school) has a son attending college in her town. I probably shouldn't have mentioned her B&B to them.

At every turn, I keep running into the walls I've built around myself.



I need to just focus on my calling and trust God.

Today's word

virgule \ˈvər-(ˌ)gyül\ - slash mark (/)

Okay, I may have known today's WOTD (octothorpe, to save the reader a click), but I didn't know this one to which it linked even though I use the symbol all the time.

Where is it? I need it!

I can't find my Ennui-B-Gone.

Today's (rhyming) word

truculent \TRUCK-yuh-lunt\ - 1. feeling or displaying ferocity : cruel, savage  2. deadly, destructive  3. scathingly harsh : vitriolic  4. aggressively self-assertive : belligerent

This is not a new word for me. But because it rhymes with "succulent," my brain always takes an extra moment to process it.

Today's word

longanimity \long-guh-NIM-uh-tee\ - a disposition to bear injuries patiently : forbearance

Just when I'd almost abandoned my hope of Merriam-Webster ever giving me another new WOTD. I think I've heard this one before, but given the utter dearth of novelty of late, I'll take it.

This is my calling (updated)

This was a vague enough heading. Apologies to the reader. Now, to expand just a little.

The moment before I posted this title I felt a wave of dissatisfaction with life crash into me. There was no real reason for it; it's just something that I get for brief moments sometimes, and it can spiral if I let my thoughts linger on whatever brings it on.

So the title of this post was my response to that momentary feeling, a bit of a "thought-stopper" to check that feeling and that train of thought before they could derail the enjoyable evening that my wife and I had spent together.

A good call

After dinner last night at the end of a steamy but precipitation-free day, I realized I had better take advantage of the window of opportunity for mowing the lawn. It's a good thing I did, as it stormed before bed last night and things would have stayed pretty wet through the day, plus more storms are in the forecast for later.

Today's word

abatis \ˈa-bə-ˌtē, ˈa-bə-təs\
plural abatis \ˈa-bə-ˌtēz\ or abatises \ˈa-bə-tə-səz\ - a defensive obstacle formed by felled trees with sharpened branches facing the enemy

I don't think I've ever heard or seen the word before, but as soon as I saw the definition I knew I'd seen them before, in movies.

A quibble with a quote

A relatively new friend shared a quote attributed to George Eliot - and I must be nearly illiterate to have not remembered who she was - in a post on FB, with which I must quibble:

It is never too late to be what you might have been.

It turns out to be a misquote, at best, and I've read enough of her biography to not take her as a moral mentor, but neither of those things represent my quibble. After all, this so much depends on what you think you might have been! There are things I thought I might have been that will never be available to me, because of decisions I have made along the way and circumstances beyond my control.

Many of those things are no great loss, and others are quite a great loss indeed. When people talk about living your life without regret, my internal response is always an acknowledgement that the best for which I can hope is to avoid fresh cause for it.

But I would agree that it is never to late to be what you might be, or even what you are meant to be. And the far greater tragedy of many lives is that we fail to seek a vision for what we might be because we are too busy lamenting the loss of what we might have been.

When you wish . . .

. . . that you could touch base with someone who understands just how you feel, except you care about them enough to not want to trigger their own feelings.

The dark spot she brightened

I was listening to Focus on the Family on the way back from lunch, and was feeling pretty trapped by the life I've chosen. Today's guest, Paul Coughlin, was discussing the ways that Christian men get the gospel message wrong that keep us from being strong in our witness.

He was asked by the host what sort of things a Christian should watch out for to determine if he might be falling into this trap, and his response floored me. Honesty and sincerity, he basically said. He indicated that some of the most consistent counseling he's done has been with pastors and grown sons of pastors. He said that they tend to display persona rather than personalities. They present a front or a mask to whomever their audience happens to be - their church, their community, their family - that represents what they think that audience expects of them rather than their true selves.

And I couldn't help but think that this is true of pretty much my entire life.

As I read more of what he means by this, he does not seem to be addressing the parts of myself that I rightfully subjugate to my marriage. J.R.R. Tolkien also indicates that there are indeed things that a man should be expected to turn from in order to love his spouse as he is called to do. Most of what I deal with falls into this category. Indeed, the specific needs which Coughlin's article makes clear that men mustn't deny are genuinely met in my relationship with my bride.

And yet I find myself feeling that I am withholding myself from, well, pretty much everyone.

This is especially difficult for me, as authenticity was always one of my strongest values. My mother hated nothing like artifice and dishonesty (ironically enough; sorry, mom, but your secrets ran deep). And while I am certain that I have chosen rightly in how I am living, I tire of being so guarded lest I hurt the ones I love by making them feel that I would choose otherwise if I had the chance. Instead I choose to hide my choices so as not to reveal anything hurtful about them, about myself.

Upon returning to my desk after hearing this on the radio, the next thing that happened was a follow-up phone call from my wife indicating that our granddaughter had called her. She'd been lamenting that she hadn't heard from her. I was glad for her, while also a little hurt that I haven't had that sort of contact, which I expressed as a joking lament about being able to tell who rates. It was shortly after this that my granddaughter called me, too, and my wife still hasn't answered my query as to whether that might have been a prompted call.  I'm therefore sure it must have been, but I appreciate it anyway, from both of them.

I know that most of this is another example of being entirely too "in my head." Jesus is greater than any of it, and is the context for receiving the good things and dealing with the challenging parts.

An unexpected bright spot

Just had an unexpected phone call from Hannah. What a pleasant surprise. She's hanging out with her mom at work today.

I'm suspicious that g-ma might have texted her instructions to call me, when I lamented that "at least one of us rates" when g-ma called to tell me that she'd gotten a phone call of her own. She won't answer my question about it. But still, my granddaughter sounded genuinely pleased to be talking to me, so I'll take it.

Today's words

estival \ESS-tuh-vul\ - of or relating to the summer

I knew I was familiar with this word, but couldn't quite place it.

serotinal \sə-ˈrät-nəl, -ˈrä-tə-; ˌser-ə-ˈtī-nəl\ - of or relating to the latter and usually drier part of summer

I wasn't at all familiar with this one.  Apparently unrelated to serotonin, which is going to mess me up should I encounter it again without strong contextual clues.

majuscule \MAJ-uh-skyool\ - a large letter (such as a capital)

Another one that seemed a bit familiar but which I couldn't nail down.

uncial \ˈən(t)-shəl, -sē-əl\
      adj. - written in the style or size of uncials
      noun - 1. a handwriting used especially in Greek and Latin manuscripts of the fourth to the eighth centuries a.d. and made with somewhat rounded separated majuscules but having cursive forms for some letters  2. an uncial letter  3. a manuscript written in uncial

Follow the word link and scroll down for an illustration. Might have seen this one before, too.

schnorrer \ˈshnȯr-ər\ - beggar; especially : one who wheedles others into supplying his wants

This one was courtesy of the Dictionary Devil puzzle that I caught up on from the weekend. Its Yiddish origins seem to resonate with me just a bit.

Before I *completely* forget

One of the most impressive things I saw on Saturday was on the way back from Indian Lake following the afternoon at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame: thousands upon thousands of fireflies for miles along and in the fields adjacent to the road. There were far and away more of them than I have ever seen before.

The best laid plans

Pretty much the only thing all weekend that went according to plan was music at Mass this morning.

Most of what didn't go according to plan just sucked.

But Saturday was a gem (except for the part about losing Teri's favorite lawn chair).

It's lonely out in space . . .

. . . on such a timeless flight . . .

Getting out of my . . .

 . . . head?  Not completely, although I do recognize my tendency to get too focused on myself can be a sort of self-idolatry and makes me vulnerable to temptation.

 . . . self-indulgence?  I hope so, by focusing less on myself and more on Christ's awesome love.

 . . . danger zone?  Yes, certainly, in more ways than one.

This is shaping up to be a good time alone.

Very nice meeting

With Teri out of town and the parish planning meeting for special musical events moved to earlier in the day, I was free to attend the family praise and worship meeting in the St. Julie Center last night. Several of the young folks had attended the Encounter conference for young adults in St. Louis, and reported on the things that struck them.

They shared some really practical things related to overcoming habitual sin. They also shared a very flexible prayer paradigm that I am already finding useful for restoring my daily prayer time. Mine had definitely taken the downward turn I anticipated when I completed the Spiritual Exercises, which had also left me separated from my only Strength in the face of temptation. I'm concerned about how close I was to making a foolish decision. I don't think it would have led me into true catastrophe - which would have still been of a very different nature from where I was two decades ago - but it would have been another baby step closer. Last night and this morning had very different thought, emotion and prayer dynamics as a result of attending this meeting.

I faced a pretty clear decision point last night about whether to go, at which time it was clear that I was deciding what was more important to me. I can see that God has blessed me with a desire to live according to His vision for my life and continues to honor every choice I make to act according to that desire.

Today's words

garderobe \GAR-drohb\ - 1. a wardrobe or its contents  2. a private room : bedroom  3. privy, toilet

It seems odd to me, at first, that this new word would describe three different types of rooms. But then again, I'm in the middle of reading Bad English, so all of the strange quirks of our language seem more normal now. Some of the etymologically-related words surprised me, too.

donnicker \ˈdä-ni-kər\ - toilet 3a

I suppose around the 1930's someone decided they needed a more socially acceptable term for toilet. This one seems more highfalutin than privy, which I was surprised to see primarily refers to an outhouse. Apparently the synonymous sense of loo didn't develop for nearly another decade.

This post belongs in the water closet.

Late night truth

I persist in sinful thoughts because the resulting endorphins distract me from - and feel better than - my despair.

And a rock feels no pain
And an island never cries

Today's words

No new ones today. But I want to save this link to temerity because of the succinct explanation it provides of the distinctions among it and audacity, hardihood, and effrontery.

Today's word

interpellate \in-ter-PELL-ayt\ - to question (someone, such as a foreign minister) formally concerning an official action or policy or personal conduct

While I recognized that this WOTD from last week would have a pronunciation and meaning different from "interpolate," I didn't know what it might mean until I read it. (But by and large, the dearth of new words for my vocabulary in this daily feature continues.)

Long-ago rewritten history

I disagree with this guy's conclusions concerning what should be done about this issue today, but this is the second place I've read about the misunderstanding of the role of states' rights in the Civil War. These two articles have confirmed my own new insight on the roots of the war based on my recent first reading of the Lincoln-Douglas debates. The southern states adamantly opposed northern states' rights to not support the institution of slavery, particularly the Fugitive Slave Act and the move to prevent new territories from starting with a bias toward slavery. The primary issue over which they seceded seems to have been to preserve and expand their economic model which was strongly based on slavery and the fear of what would happen to their way of life should slavery be abolished.

We - well, well-schooled lawyers, anyway - can argue all day about whether states had at that time or today have a right to secede from the United States of America. If so, that would probably make the Civil War technically about states' rights. But there is strong evidence supporting the slavery issue as far and away the motivating reason for southern states' secession. They wanted to preserve their own rights to their slave "property" - along with the economic model that came with it - and (particularly) force northern states to recognize slave owners' right to own and recover their slaves the same as any other property over which they might retain possession when it passed within another states' borders. They also wanted new territories to be allowed to govern themselves on the slavery model even before they reached the less-federally-controlled status which came with statehood, if the (white) residents of the territory so wished.

In our free nation, I will simultaneously defend your individual right to display the confederate flag as an expression of what it represents to you and try to help you understand why many view it as a symbol of racial oppression. I will also help you to understand that your free speech rights come with the same consequences to which all of our speech is always subject, and none of us is free from the court of public opinion. I am largely of the opinion that state and local governments have no more business flying it than they do the flag of the United Kingdom.

Today's words

WOTD has gotten into one of its dry spells, not (directly) serving me up very many new words. Fortunately I'm finding some in other places. Today's was the first Dictionary Devil puzzle to expand my vocabulary.

bijouterie \bi-ˈzhü-tə-(ˌ)rē\ - a collection of trinkets or ornaments

I was familiar enough with bijou to match this definition to its word with no problem.

anhinga \an-ˈhiŋ-gə\ -  any of a genus (Anhinga) of fish-eating birds related to the cormorants but distinguished by a longer neck and sharply pointed rather than hooked bill; especially :  one (A. anhinga) occurring from the southern United States to Argentina

This one was completely new, but I didn't have to resort to the process of elimination to place its definition. It just seemed right. 

While the words of the day have not themselves included very many new ones for me, write-ups like today's have included some interesting etymology's, as well as links to new related words, such as:

tottery \ˈtä-tə-rē\ - of an infirm or precarious nature

Sadly and currently relevant, my son-in-law's mother's had long been in tottery health, so her family has declined an autopsy the specific cause of her death in the nursing home is not so important to know.