This was the title of the presentation on Saturday at our marriage encounter love circle. It was an amusing and purposeful anecdote about the role of apology, of simply earnestly saying "I'm sorry," in restoring relationships, moving them beyond the immediate conflict into reconciliation.
As we dialogued about how we felt when we needed to apologize, I found my thoughts moving beyond that to the dynamics of apologizing in our own family. Teri shared how utterly rare apologizing was in her home growing up, and I could see that. I shared with her in reply that I had observed that when she had done something wrong, something that might have called for her to apologize, she was generally in so much trouble that she was probably too afraid to apologize. She pretty much agreed with that observation.
We also talked about how the dynamic was different for me, though still in a very unhealthy way. My "impossible task" was to please my dad, and since I could never measure up to his standards in the things that mattered to him, I was striving for perfection in every other way. If I needed to apologize for something, that meant that I had been imperfect, unless I could point to something else that caused the whole situation that prompted my reaction. So early in my marriage, for instance, if I flew off the handle it had to be because of something someone else did, to which I perceived my response as being appropriate. It couldn't be because there was any imperfection in me. Of course, this entire dynamic was unconscious, but still very real. Now I have the humility to recognize that I screw up all the time, and an emotional balance such that I don't need to be overly defensive about it when I do. I'm not perfect, and that's okay. As a result, I'm a lot quicker to apologize for my mistakes.
I suspect that many adults are still running around trying to carry out the impossible task of their childhood, screwing up their adult relationships - and likely their children - in the process.
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