Growth is good

"So, I'm going to e-mail them about getting together.  What do you want me to say?"

I finally brought us back around to our discussion concerning my good friend who lives close to Minneapolis, where we're going to a wedding next month, whom I haven't seen in nearly three decades.  We actually fell completely out of touch with her and her husband two different times in the intervening years. Simple geography, not emotional dynamics, is the reason it has been so long, but there were still a few of the latter for my wife and I to work through.  But I was so determined to take advantage of this unique opportunity to see her again that I hadn't handled the initial contact with proper consideration of my wife's feelings, e-mailing them that we were coming to town without checking first on how she'd feel about it.  Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy.  The thing is, I was certain how she felt about it, but I was not going to miss this chance to see my old friend.  Still, the way I'd handled it ensured that she'd react as I feared.  At least as she was honest that if I'd asked her she would have responded exactly as I had expected she would in the first place.  And really, she was calmer about it than I deserved; resigned and frustrated, but calmly.  In fact, I was the one who overreacted, probably from not wanting to acknowledge that I'd handled it badly.  We talked about it more the next morning, when I apologized for acting unilaterally and let her know that I'd understand and support her if she didn't want to get together with my friend and her husband.  I promised to check with her before making any more specific plans.  But I also conveyed, very calmly and supportively, that I needed to take advantage of this opportunity to connect up with my friend.  Then I'd left things to percolate for a few days.  Now our plans were starting to shape up, and it was time to get in touch again.

"It's okay," she replied with acceptance rather than resignation.  I was pleasantly surprised.  She went on, "I need to quit being such a baby."  It was clear that we'd both had a remarkable shift in attitude since the beginning.  I was relieved at her change of attitude, while not agreeing with her analysis.  I felt that I needed to bring a more balanced and realistic perspective, that acknowledged a history in which I was not as kind and loving to her as she should have been able to expect from her husband, and that validated and reaffirmed her right to her own feelings.

"I don't think it was a matter 'being a baby.'  I gave you good reason to feel the way you do, but that was a long time ago, and we've come a long way since then."

So next month we're going to our dear friends' daughter's wedding, and also to see one of my dearest friends for the first time since 1984, and I think we both feel pretty good about it.  I expect my wife is likely to be a little nervous - I am too, actually - and anxious as the visit approaches.  I will be sure to be in touch with this in the ensuing weeks.

I can't wait.

And along the way, my wife and I have managed to become much closer friends.  We've indeed come far from the days when we used to act more like adversaries competing to get our needs met.