What forgiveness is

Well, there's no sense in starting from scratch.  It isn't as if this is the first time I've ever written on the topic of forgiveness, and surely a sentence or two of those posts must be pertinent to the topic at hand.  So let me start with a couple of thoughts that I've previously written that may be relevant to the question of what forgiveness is:

May 04, 2007

(T)here is a difference between someone offering us forgiveness and us receiving it. Many of us never truly receive the love, forgiveness and reconciliation offered us . . . (F)orgiveness is a process, not usually an instantaneous event. When I've been deeply hurt by someone, forgiving them doesn't mean I don't feel hurt or angry, at least right away. It does, however, mean that I never stop wanting the best for them.  Or, rather, once I've forgiven, I want the best for them once again.

January 19, 2010

Even if . . . someone has only tolerated me for the sake of family harmony . . . they have treated me with compassion.  Though they aren't quite the same thing, compassion often goes hand-in-hand with forgiveness.

Okay, there are some key insights applicable to what forgiveness is. But I don't think any of these thoughts hits the central root of forgiveness. In chewing on this since Monday one thing has become much clearer to me:

Forgiveness is a decision, a choice we make.

We make a choice to forgive or not to forgive someone for the hurt they've done to us.  When we say things like "I could never forgive" someone for something, what we're really saying is that we can't picture ourselves ever being willing to make the choice to forgive that person for the specified offense.

So forgiveness is a decision or choice to do, or maybe to not do, something or things:

• While forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting, it probably does mean choosing not to call to mind and dwell on how I've been wronged.  It isn't that I've forgotten it, but I've probably chosen not to recall it.  I'm not going to keep turning this offense over in my mind, looking at it from every angle, recalculating the total damage.
• It might also be the decision to let go of the hurt someone has caused rather than to embrace it.  Not to deny the hurt, but to choose not to let it define that person for us.  
• And yes, I really believe it is the decision to want what is truly best for the person who has hurt me, and not in a way that is dismissive.  
• It doesn't mean denying that I've been hurt, but includes the decision not to let that hurt have any more power over me.  As a result, the hurt becomes more a thing that I've experienced in the past rather than something I choose to relive.
• For me, it includes an understanding that judging the one who hurt me is not good for me.

This idea of forgiveness as a decision to let go of the hurt we've received and restore a sense of good will toward the person who has hurt us seems to me to be pretty close to what forgiveness really is all about.  

I still feel it may be a process that we often go through gradually.  Some people seem to think that it's a decision completed in a moment, but I find that, for me, forgiving the most grievous hurts I've received has happened only by repeating this decision over time.  Each time I become a little more free of the burden I've been carrying - I've known for a very long time that unforgiveness is a terrible load to bear -  until at last I am completely clear of it.  Perhaps that may begin to be the case with my self-judgment, as well.

Okay, I may end up writing some more on this, and have also revised my previous post as a few additional thoughts and corrections have popped up.  Remembering the things that forgiveness isn't in light of what it is remains important for living a healthy, forgiving life.

And on that note: on this Thanksgiving day, I'm grateful for the forgiveness I've received, that I've been blessed to choose, and that which is still in progress . . .