Anyway, he started by having me consider how the abuse I received as a child and young man played a role in my subsequent behavior, and I'm pretty sure he agreed with my analysis that using that to excuse myself wouldn't be a healthy approach. So then we started focusing on the concept of what forgiveness really is, as opposed to what a lot of us may equate it with. Here are a few things that we discussed that I know aren't quite the same as forgiveness. We'll start with a couple obvious ones:
- Forgetting: "Forgive and forget," is a really popular phrase of choice. The thing is, we can't fully control that, and we'd be pretty ill equipped for life if we actually did that. Forgetting the events that have hurt us would keep us from learning and leave us to vulnerable in the world. But here's a thought we didn't consider: maybe there's a difference between forgetting a thing and choosing not to call it to mind at every occasion. Hmm, maybe I should've saved this one for later in the list, because that will bear some further examination . . .
- Removal of consequences: Even if we've forgiven someone, there are often consequences to their actions that still must play out. For instance, even if I've forgiven someone I may decide that it's necessary to handle similar situations in a different way. I might make that decision for the benefit of the person who has hurt me, or for the protection of others for whom I responsible, or just because of what is healthy for me. So there are often consequences that remain in effect even if forgiveness is offered freely.
- Restoration of relationship: This one is two-sided, and partly falls into the previous topic. There are some ways in which someone may hurt another, that prevents them from ever being in relationship with the other person again. On the other hand, I have first-hand experience of someone choosing to be in a relationship with me who never really forgave me.
- Excusing or minimizing the hurtful behavior, or excusing the person who committed it. Forgiveness doesn't mean saying that what was done to us was okay or or not that bad. Nor does it mean saying that it's okay or understandable that the offender committed those acts.
- Trust: This seems contradictory, at first glance, and if I hadn't experienced it I probably would have argued against it.
- You might think that we can never trust someone again whom we haven't forgiven, and yet I've found that I can indeed trust someone to never do the thing that hurt me again, and yet not have truly forgiven them for having done it in the first place. I know it's possible, because it's how I feel about myself. I know I've taken the steps I needed to address my actions and keep from ever repeating them again, and yet I haven't fully forgiven myself for doing them in the first place. I knew how hurtful I was being, even as I minimized that in my mind, and I should never have done it. And I can see that it would be possible to feel the same way about someone else, though I've never had that experience.
- On the other hand, it's also possible to forgive someone and still not trust them not to repeat the offense. In that case, one would likely make choices to help someone not repeat their hurtful behavior, as much for their sake as to avoid receiving further hurt at their hands.
It seems odd to me that I could have written sixteen previous posts on the topic of forgiveness without having clearly articulated for myself what forgiveness really means. I'll need to read through them and see if I once had a better sense of it and have just failed to apply it to myself. But in writing through these things that it clearly doesn't mean, I'm beginning to get a sense of what I really think it might be. But that will be long enough to save for a separate post.
No comments:
Post a Comment