Damn

That hurts.

Don't worry; it isn't you. You were going to be gone next week anyway. And you've made it clear that the friendship I wanted with you is outside of your boundaries. It was probably outside of mine, too, when I first wrote this and didn't publish it, because I can't let myself be closer to anyone than I am with my bride. Maybe your reluctance was just because you knew you'd be leaving soon, but I think otherwise.

It's okay. Those are your boundaries to set. I certainly don't think of myself as worthy of your friendship, anyway.

But that does leave me alone here on the outside of everyone I want to be inside of. And you aren't the one that it really hurts to be rejected by.

It also leaves me still feeling called to share a testimony with you that we'd both apparently rather I just keep to myself.

Because I feel rejected, and hurt, and confirmed in my fundamental self belief.

I had almost convinced myself otherwise.

I don't know. Maybe I just ought to keep my thoughts to myself, y'know?

When the phone rings

I've quit checking whether it's for me.

Life and death

When I was last alive, I learned to be a friend
and loving husband simultaneously

Before that I was not a person you would want to know

Well-earned self-judgment had convinced me
that I deserved no better than to utterly
quash my own needs and interests
and simply serve from within my grave
a cold blade slid along my wrist
periodically affirmed that I was not ready
to die physically, as I had emotionally

A friend helped me believe that maybe I deserved better
But decades old reality made that 

a frustration that still remains

A long time before, I'd fallen deeply in love
while my bride continued the affair
that substituted for the respect I didn't give
That relationship helped me forgive her, saved our marriage
But allowed an impure spirit freer reign in my life
It was another self-indulgence
as he'd imposed the pattern upon me those years before
making sure I couldn't leave the room
until we'd both achieved release
He'd taught me not to control myself
To resist temptation without success

Next came the twisted manifestation that
deeply hurt everyone I love
They've all forgiven me, every single one
Yet still I struggle to forgive myself

In the intervening years I have made do
with poor excuses for being whole again
indulged small personal sin that I convinced myself
wasn't hurting anyone except maybe myself
momentary escape that bathed my brain 

in enough of its own chemicals 

that I could live with my empty other half of the bed
while the one i love chose instead to occupy
her hours with whatever was on the tube
"I'm a tv addict" she protests,
"And that's all there is to it.
I always have been and I always will be."
I haven't bothered yearning, because 

I still don't believe I deserve better
Or maybe I just know what I am called to do
and remain determined to do it
no matter what decision someone else makes.

The present stands in contrast as I live again
without temptation, or conflict between my needs and my bride's
Simply enjoying the presence of a friend
who helps me feel alive
without contrasting unfavorably against my life's partner
It has been a great pleasure to spend this time with you
To play, to enjoy your company,
to love and value you and not be tempted

I know you must leave soon, to go back to your life
For your sake, and your groom's, I am glad that you are going
I hope to stay alive once you are gone
and not return to the empty longing of my living grave

Today's words

usufruct /YOO-zuh-frukt/ - 1 : the legal right of using and enjoying the fruits or profits of something belonging to another  2 : the right to use or enjoy something

A newish WOTD. I'm pretty sure I have encountered it before, but I'll take it.

kleptocracy /\klep-ˈtä-krə-sē/ - government by those who seek chiefly status and personal gain at the expense of the governed; also :  a particular government of this kind

. . . or by those who steal from the governed (klepto)

HE>i

Sometimes we must be willing to do what He is asking of us, even if we don't like what it might cost us.

HE must increase; i must decrease.