Regret sucks

I don't think there's been a single time in my life that I've truly regretted, in the long run, denying myself.  Only indulging myself, and that regret lasts a very long time.

When we reunited 30 years ago after a post-high-school hiatus in our relationship, there were primarily two things that mattered most to me, though I was unaware of both of them.  One I shall not share in this forum, or at least in this post.  The second was being "better than," and  I didn't understand that about myself at all.  I'm sure this is only a small part of where this superiority/inferiority complex came from (it's always both, btw), but since I was never good enough for my dad - not an athlete, too wimpy - being the smartest became my downfall.  I had to be the quickest wit, get in the last word, win the argument.  I was pretty competitive, too.

My poor wife was the perfect foil in this for me.  She met my first need, but was particularly suited to my second, since barring some tragedy I'll always be the "more intelligent" of us.  I was still very emotionally needy, too, and when I'd connect with someone else - especially a woman - on an intellectual or emotional level that my wife wasn't equipped to meet, as far as I was concerned it was her problem to deal with.  I indulged my intellectual and emotional "needs" and left her to deal with it on her own or, worse, put her down so that I could feel validated.

The thing is, she needed affirmation, too, and she obviously wasn't getting it from me.  So of course, she found it where she could, and of course, that became a vicious cycle for us.

I hoped that we were beyond that now, but I also know that our greatest fear is of the thing that brought out the worst in ourselves.  I guess no number of years (decades) of finally loving her as I should will ever erase the shadows of my former selfish indulgence.

Faith in crisis

I seem to be headed in a better direction now, but here's where I was at 7 Friday morning:

For nearly twenty-five years (next month) - half my life; zero to fifty in the blink of an eye! - I've thrived when Christ was at the center of my focus, and failed miserably otherwise.  And I mean utterly failed, in disgusting, repulsive and completely unacceptable ways that, if life were fair, should have left me relegated to society's outcasts.  


I've long understood that the only way I've avoided that fate while still squarely facing the consequences of my actions - indeed, the only way I've even survived - is through the love and mercy of Christ, poured out through those whose faith filled in for my failure/inability to live my own.  When focused on his love and mercy, always and primarily present in my life through others, I've been able to do what I needed to receive healing and to contribute to the healing of those around me.  I've been more able to live as I ought, and to have perspective on the failings of my past so as to feel like a forgiven and healed son rather than a worm.  In short, I am able to live with myself, and thereby not do further hurt to those who have loved me.


So if I conclude that these good people are wrong about Christ, then I'm unable to trust in all that I have professed and experienced of God's love as poured out in Jesus Christ.  Oh, and if they're wrong about him, then since their outpouring of love and mercy is rooted in their faith, they must be wrong about me, too.  I must conclude that I am in fact a worm rather than a precious son.  In that case, I am in real trouble.

This is why this is all so crucial for me and those I love, why I must believe in Christ sufficiently to return my focus to him.

Drifting

When I grabbed Br. Guy Consolmagno's book, God's Mechanics: How Scientists and Engineers Make Sense of Religion, from the parish library, I figured it would be right up my alley.  It's been a long time since I struggled with my faith, since having a profound conversion experience - a personal encounter with Jesus Christ through the work of the Holy Spirit - in my mid-twenties, and seeing as I'm pretty much a fellow techie, I figured this book would help me understand how these aspects of my life work together for me.

Now I wish I'd never picked it up.  I find myself disagreeing with Br. Guy at nearly every turn, being tripped up by his assumptions.  In fairness, he's quick to admit to them himself.  That doesn't keep them from becoming a stumbling block for me.

If Jesus was fully human, he must have experienced times in his life like this.  If he's God, he's going to have to get me through this one.  I haven't doubted the truth of my beliefs in a long time - it has all seemed to fit together so well.  And so much of my life revolves around my faith that I'm pretty uncomfortable with the implications of my newfound doubt.

Unconscious

I'm amazed at how the unconscious part of the mind can blindside you.  Woke up in the middle of the night from a really bad dream-memory.  Thought I was done with that when I worked through it in therapy, but at least it doesn't have it's previous power over me.

An early anniversary, busy weekend

Have a nice dinner out planned for tonight with mrs tg, as an early celebration of our anniversary.  The actual calendar date is Sunday, but I have two singing gigs that day, one in the afternoon and the other in the evening.  I imagine we may go out to dessert on Sunday after all is finished.  It's shaping up to be a very busy weekend, though, especially now that I have to replace a storm door on Saturday morning, too.  So, for now, the weekend looks like this:
Leisurely dinner date tonight
Men's group, 7:30 am
Replace storm door
Pick up granddaughters, drive to Richmond, IN for 4:00 Christmas show
Dinner in Richmond after show, or on the way back
Mass Sunday morning
Jubilee gig Sunday afternoon at assisted care facility
Dinner at fellow Jubilean's home between gigs
Jubilee gig (Advent Evensong, very cool!) Sunday evening
Dessert with mrs tg
Collapse in a heap

Advent

I love this season, and every year insist on holding fast to it while the world around me is rushing into an artificial version of Christmas. Even the Christian radio stations, which at least are focusing on the right aspects of the season, will stop playing Christmas music on December 26th, just a day into a weeks-long celebration that allows us to reflect on so many different aspects of the Word becoming flesh: the Incarnation (Christmas day) of God the co-eternal Son, born into a holy family (Sunday within the Octave) on earth, revealed to the whole world (Epiphany) to bring us back into relationship with God (Baptism of the Lord). I'm just not ready for the season to be over as soon as the grandkids have all unwrapped their gifts!

Well, part of the key to that is to celebrate Advent well. Our parish does this, adding Advent Evensong celebrated each Sunday to the rich liturgies for each week of the season. Now Jubilee is getting a chance to do so, too, offering an expanded version of this ancient, rich prayer service with wonderful Advent music. And both of these music ministries are also reaching out to those often forgotten by our society, with visits to several area assisted living centers, celebrating Christ's Advent with those who are too often cast aside by our society. I count myself blessed to be a part of these two great groups of music ministers.

Is blog neglect a felony?

Wow, have I been neglecting this! Could be because of a houseful of grandkids (3 4-and-under) and their mom, and a bible study, and a choir rehearsal, and Jubilee rehearsals starting back up. I'm sorry, little blog; you deserve better.

But my son-in-law in basic training really deserves better, so I'm going to have to neglect you for a while longer.