Like Darko, two ways

ESPN has a great feature on one of the biggest "busts" in NBA history, and I can't help but hear echoes of my own life in his story. I don't really consider my life a failure, and Darko doesn't either, though he acknowledges that his basketball career isn't anything to be proud of. But there are two specific things from this article that resonate with me.

At one point, Darko spoke of how he considers his old self - or at least the basketball version of himself - as being dead now. And I think of the younger me - the one who aspired to a meaningful career and a very different life in many ways, including emotionally and relationally - as having died, too. An important part of my group therapy program was how they taught us to live with ourselves by insisting us that the person who had done the terrible things we'd all done was gone now, replaced with someone better, healthier. But that means that the not-so-despicable parts of the "old me," with all his dreams, idealism, and aspirations, must be gone with him. Still, I don't at all feel like some sort of triumphant phoenix who is now living a victorious life.

Secondly, the author spoke of how Darko's whole basketball career, and how he thought about it, was built around the concept of "supposed to." He was supposed to play basketball, and he didn't hate it (at first), so he played, and made millions, and grew to feel trapped by it. Now, I don't have any world class physical gifts, but still, "supposed to" feels like how I've lived my whole life - or at least the non-despicable parts of it.

It's how I'll continue to live, too. I don't think I can respect myself any other way. But I think it's also because, in my case, my "supposed to" is also the best version of myself.