Well, somehow I have misread the calendar and not realized I was supposed to be finished with this step on Saturday. So another step tonight, then one in the morning, and we'll double up as time permits during Christmas. (yeah. right.)
Yes, the LORD’s eyes are on those who fear him,
who hope in his merciful love,
to rescue their souls from death,
to keep them alive in famine. - Ps 33, 18-19
Sometimes - a lot, of late - I feel like the Israelites in the desert, having grown accustomed to and then weary of this gift of manna with which God feeds my soul. I grumble in my mind against the tedium and challenges of gathering my daily bread, rather than being appreciative that God has given me what I need to sustain me.
For instance, when the battles against and ADHD and ODD six-year-old have again reached the point at which she rages against how mean I am as I try to hold her to some standard of behavior, to draw a line that doesn't allow her to intrude on her siblings physical persons or to destroy property, or attempt to teach her obedience when it is so completely against her nature, it is easy for me to be blinded to the patience with which God is blessing me, keeping me from losing my patience and lashing out against her in anger. Instead he is giving me a capacity to love her which I know that she recognizes, after the outburst when she is calmed.
Tonight was hard.
The worst of this happened in the car as I waited for her mom and grandma to take care of their business in the fabric store. It was challenging for me to not blame them - especially my bride - for needing to do this errand now, with the little ones already beyond their limit of being still and patient. It is a challenge for me to see that God is keeping me alive in the famine of my life, through them, as he supplies emotional support and connection that I sometimes judge as too meager for my needs.
Tonight was hard.
Yet I hope in his merciful love to provide what I need. I know why the manna must be gathered daily: it is to teach us to rely on God's providence rather than our own or even rather than the gifts by which he supplies my need.
There is much more in this wonderful Psalm, but tonight this is how he is keeping me alive in famine. I know: it is bountiful banquet, too.
Our soul is waiting for the LORD.
He is our help and our shield.
In him do our hearts find joy.
We trust in his holy name.
May your merciful love be upon us,
as we hope in you, O LORD. - Ps 33, 20-22
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