10th anniversary

As we were going through it, there were extremely few people who just forgave and accepted me without any indication of any struggle they may have had to do so. Don't get me wrong: I treasure beyond telling each person who has forgiven me regardless of how much they had to work through to reach that point. I well appreciate how difficult that can be.

The very first time that I saw our nephew Chuck when we were able to go home, he walked directly toward me and silently hugged me. I will always remember how welcome his acceptance of me - while clearly not condoning what I had done - made me feel.

I love and miss you, Chuck. Pray for me.

Prime factors

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Today's word

pica \PYE-kuh\ - an abnormal desire to eat substances (as chalk or ashes) not normally eaten

Based on the write-up, perhaps its etymology is related to the type size.

Today's word

fleer \FLEER\ - a word or look of derision or mockery

I'll have a hard time remembering this word's meaning, because I will always associate it with baseball cards.

Really?

I have to write about more here than my frustrations. Focusing on them leaves me feeling unhappy and hopeless.

There goes this morning's post.

Today's words

operose \AH-puh-rohss\ - tedious, wearisome

Yes, this is etymologically related to "opera," though with a different suffix to mark the difference between a labor of love and one of tedium. However, the stereotypical caricature of the "boring opera" will probably keep these words somewhat linked for me, so that I will stand a good chance of recognizing this word's meaning should I encounter it again. (For me, personally, I appreciate the effort of operatic performers more than the actual artistic and dramatic value of opera, but I suspect that with further exposure I might come around.)

purfle \PER-ful\ - to ornament the border or edges of

A rare one that I knew - from my appreciation of the luthier's craft - and still thought was worth sharing.

dovecote \DUV-koht\ - 1. a small compartmented raised house or box for domestic pigeons  2. a settled or harmonious group or organization

I bet that my ornithology-inclined friends are more familiar with this word than I was. I have certainly heard it before, and of course assumed it was related to birds, but couldn't quite place it.

I broke a plate last night

I was surprised when it broke, as it was Corel. But it isn't as if I was handling the dishes gently. I was taking advantage of being alone in the house, and being rough with the dishes seemed like a better alternative than other options.

Passive aggressive

So far this week I have been criticized for:

• buying limes for mixed drinks. okay, this was a little frivolous, but only a little.
• overestimating the amount of ground beef we needed for tacos. okay, there was some left over, but it's all gone now.
• wanting to make a salad to have with the bbq chicken sandwiches last night; "nobody will eat it," she insisted.
• underestimating the amount of chicken we needed; I bought the same amount as the ground beef for tacos, and again, there was some left over, though not as much and maybe everybody didn't eat as much as they would have if there'd been an abundance.
• buying mushrooms for the salad last night.
• making "WAY too much" salad, she further insisted; there ended up being enough left for one bowl of salad, unless our son-in-law ate it, since he doesn't eat his meals at normal time
• chiming in with "SNORT" too loudly when mommy was reading Are You My Mother to the kids last night at bedtime, since one of the kids was asleep in the next room. but it wasn't his mother who complained.
• getting bent out of shape over being repeatedly criticized.

All of these criticisms have, of course, come from the same person. I don't think she should really have any complaint about my contributions to the expanded household, which I have made with a gentle heart, not a resentful one.

I think it is because she feels out of control of things. But the one thing I have found difficult to not resent is being the safe outlet for her frustrations when they are expressed in the form of serial unfounded criticism. And I'm sure that some of this is because I cannot always be on her side. She insists on treating our "on the spectrum" grandchildren as she would any other child. Unfortunately, we can't expect that to work.

Today's word

flyblown \FLY-blohn\ - 1a. not pure : tainted  b. not bright and new : seedy  c. trite, hackneyed  2. infested with eggs or young larvae of a blowfly

If I'd heard this word before, I certainly didn't associate it with its etymology. Gross.

Unintended hyperbole?

Christianity has over 2 billion followers in the world with countless denominations and sects. - PlayBuzz poll: What Christian Denomination Should You Actually Be a Part Of?

"Countless" denominations and sects: umm, okay, but clearly less than or equal to the number of followers . . .

Today's word

demesne \dih-MAYN\ 1. legal possession of land as one’s own  2a. the land attached to a mansion  b. landed property : estate  c. region, territory  3. realm, domain

I knew this word, but was only mostly sure about its pronunciation.

Today's word

internecine \ˌin-tər-ˈne-ˌsēn, -ˈnē-sən, -ˈnē-ˌsīn, -nə-ˈsēn; in-ˈtər-nə-ˌsēn\ - 1.  marked by slaughter :  deadly; especially :  mutually destructive  2.  of, relating to, or involving conflict within a group

This may be the word I have most often seen without understanding, without ever bothering to look up because I thought I understood it. From context, I usually attributed it something close to the second definition, but far from fully grasped it. Nice to know that it's almost impossible to mispronounce, with so many acceptable options.

Today's word

aperçu \ap-er-SOO\ - 1. a brief survey or sketch : outline  2. an immediate impression; especially : an intuitive insight

What a great new word! I hope I can use it sometime, or in the second sense, that someone might use it of me. It seems odd to see a cedilla in an English word. (Yes, I had to look that up.)

A not-completely helpful theme

Suicide is not a cowardly or selfish act.

This is an important message to deliver. However, here's the dangerous thing about it: for some who walk in darkness, the thought that taking their own life would be selfish - a glimmer of understanding of how devastating it would be for those who love us - is sometimes the one thing that has kept us from actually doing it. That is, this stigma that is traditionally associated with suicide does carry some preventive value.

In my darkest moments, I have found it helpful to think of the effects that my demise would have on the people whom I love - particularly the possible financial, emotional and spiritual ramifications. I was actually encouraged and trained to think this way, particularly in terms of the emotional fallout, by mental health professionals, when I was closest to taking my own life. Having lived in the aftermath of my dad's suicide when I was fourteen, these ramifications are not some nebulous concept for me; I actually experienced the short- and longer-term impact that his absence had on my life. That isn't to say that I think my own life would have been better had he continued to live his life impaired by alcohol and emotionally broken, but it certainly would have been different.

In my adult darkness, the effect that my self-inflicted demise would have on the people I've already hurt so deeply has been a touchstone to help me seek out a better answer. Note that this touchstone was actually a part of that answer; in the grand scheme of a healthy life it should be only a minority part - it is still important to find reasons to live for my own sake as well as for that of my loved ones - but in the darkness of despair it can be a bigger lifeline than an emotionally healthy person might imagine. Considering the impact that killing myself would have on those around me has also been a helpful tool for expanding my view beyond the circumstances that might otherwise consume me.

Now, calling suicide cowardly or selfish in its aftermath - as at least one commentator did in response to Robin Williams' death - is completely unhelpful for the loved ones who are trying to deal with it. It is a useless and misguided judgment of the departed. But let's not take the consideration of our relationship with our loved ones and the effect we have on them completely out of the toolbag, okay?

More marketing annoyances

SPAM is an acronym for Spiced Ham

Someone doesn't know what an acronym is.

 Free from 101 artificial preservatives and ingredients

Okay, I get their point, and there are some good things on their list - er, bad things - well, things I'm glad they're not adding to my groceries. But every time I see this Simple Truth marketing slogan I think, "Does that mean it might contain every artificial ingredient in the world other than these 101 items?"

Okay. I suppose I'm actually not very annoyed today.  This is a good thing - though perhaps makes for dull reading.

"You make mistakes. Mistakes don't make you."

Not entirely true. But what we make of our mistakes may do more to make us than the mistakes themselves do?

(He wishes, at least, barely hoping.)

Prevention plan

So it seems that a key part of my plan for emotional health is seeing the kind of effects that the choices I could make - that I sometimes still want to make - have when others do make them. (RW)

I read a poignant blog post yesterday that a good friend pointed me to. The things I read that impress me most are always those that spur my own thoughts along the lines of further reflection, and that was true of this person's post. Please: I hope no one misconstrues my own reflection as somehow being being critical of what they've written from their heart; I'm just responding from my own thoughts, struggles and feelings, inspired by the author's sharing.

"The opposite of love is freedom." What a paradox, because there can be no love without freedom. This is why God has blessed us with free will, I suppose, even knowing that would mean that we would use it in hurtful and destructive ways, seeing all the choices that we would make with it and knowing that, somehow, there is no way for us to have the freedom to make harmful choices without the actuality that we sometimes will. There is no freedom to love without also the freedom to not love. Yet it is also true that we cannot choose to love without also sacrificing or subordinating our freedom, or rather, freely choosing to apply it in ways that we would never choose except for love. For instance, all-powerful God himself restricts his own power and freedom for the sake of loving us and bestowing upon us the gift of our freedom, without which we could never love God in return, which is the greatest thing we might ever aspire to do.  All other good that we hope for is rooted in our willingness to likewise sacrifice the freedom that God has bestowed on us so that we might know the glory of loving others and loving God in return.

The truth is that sometimes I'd rather be free to do as I want, and what I want is not to love as God has called me - er, as God has first loved me. For me, the biggest thing that I long to be free of is the pain of my past failures to love. This is a silly circle of reasoning, of course, because there could be no greater failure to love than to simply choose not to be anymore, and that is the only way to be completely free from that particular heartache.

As I started typing this post, my desktop slideshow served me up this picture from our 2013 visit with our daughter's family. The botanical garden at Waimea Falls delivered a smorgasbord (hmm, I just noticed an anagram of the first seven letters of that word; can't believe I've never seen that before - sorry) of floral beauty, each bloom a testimony to the intricate wonder of creation. We've seen countless large-scale majesties, as well, all of which serve as testimony to our God who didn't need any of this, was entirely sufficient all by God's trinitarian self, and expressed all of this and each of us into existence simply because God is love and love gives love's-self. And we have encountered the poignant touch of love in wondrous and heartrending ways. I keep thinking that I want to be more like God, but at such times I usually perceive that to mean being more in control of how I think the world ought to run. God's way of being God is more like my way of being me ought to be: to grant the world and those around me the freedom to choose to love, and to keep loving them whatever their choices may actually be.

So it's true that the opposite of love is freedom, and yet it is also true that the fulfillment of love is freedom expressed in a completely different way from how we usually think of freedom and of love.

She was so stubborn

I suppose it was the same thing that made her so treasured.

Today's words

wyvern \WYE-vern\ - a mythical animal usually represented as a 2-legged winged creature resembling a dragon

I guess I've seen them on coats of arms or insignia and just thought of them as "dragons."

bootless \BOOT-lus\ - useless, unprofitable

I was only familiar with the other sense of this word. I can't imagine I'll ever use it in this sense.

apophasis \uh-PAH-fuh-sis\ - the raising of an issue by claiming not to mention it

I'm familiar with this word, but generally need some context to remember what it means.

Why I shut up:

People love to judge others.

Today's word: not a typo!

florescence \flor-ESS-unss\ - a state or period of being in bloom or of flourishing

Not to be confused with fluorescence, with which I was familiar but which is (obviously) an entirely different thing. This word appears to be at least a half-century older.

Today's word

chicane \shih-KAYN\ - to use deception : to trick or cheat

Though I've long been well familiar with chicanery - okay, peanut gallery, that isn't how I meant that - I was not familiar with either this verb or or its identical alternate noun form; and yes, I am surprised to learn that both of these post-date the word chicanery (in English, at least). 

Today's words: it's not that easy

viridity \vuh-RID-ə-tee\ - 1a. the quality or state of being green  b. the color of grass or foliage  2. naïve innocence

Where is Kermit the Frog when I need him to sing. Oh, here he is! Actually, I don't think I'd ever actually heard this song before; I've always heard the expression as, "It ain't easy being green."
I recognized what this word might mean, though it's a new one for me; being only two letters off from "veridian" made it, well, pretty easy.

nitid \NIH-təd\ - bright, lustrous

I think I've seen this one, but couldn't remember it.

 stentorian \sten-TOR-ee-ən\ - very loud

This one, too. (This is how everyone is going to have to speak to me if I don't get hearing aids within a few years.)

Today's words

Finally, some more new ones!

jardiniere \jahr-duh-NEER\ - 1a. an ornamental stand for plants or flowers  b. a large usually ceramic flowerpot holder  2. a garnish for meat consisting of several cooked vegetables cut into pieces

I love new words, of course. But I hate WOTD write-ups that telegraph their ending and then act as if it wasn't already obvious. I am most likely to use the second definition of this word than the first.

Noachian \noh-AY-kee-un\ - of or relating to the patriarch Noah or his time

Okay, this makes sense, I guess, though I wouldn't have thought to pronounce the second syllable correctly. It linked to . . .

diluvial \dih-LOO-vee-uhl\ - of, relating to, or brought about by a flood

which I recognized but couldn't quite place until after I saw the definition.

Grace at work

So I posted this on FB: Maybe there are some days God gives us the gift of needing to cling to grace - to Him - with all we have? The truth is, there are all kinds of things in our lives that make us aware how much we need Him, and whatever ours may be, realizing that they're leading us to Him is one important step toward giving thanks in all circumstances.

It occurs to me that this really is a gift. Maybe those who have never forfeited their self-respect won't fully get the depths of this, but that's a rough way to get there that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Still, God's grace is greater.

Some days . . .

. . . I really find myself struggling to remember the true nature of grace.

When I was growing up, our society still mostly did a good job of presenting the world - or, at least, America - as a meritocracy, and of teaching us that, in such a world, we'd each get what we deserved. And our conception of God as Final and Chief Arbiter of Eternal Merit^TM fit hand-in-glove with that. In some ways our society co-opted the Gospel for many of us, turning it into something far less than God's plan for our salvation.

But grace is precisely getting what we don't deserve.

Sometimes, though, I still wish I could merit the respect which I am only given because people don't know the degree to which I don't deserve it.