Last night I ended up with an unexpected time of sharing and prayer with a lone prayer group member who arrived just as I was leaving. I knew that the four other regulars wouldn't be there last night; three were out of town, and my wife had taken a phone call from the last of them shortly before I got home from work letting me know that he wasn't going to be there. I didn't know whether anyone unexpected might show up, though this was the one person who I thought might. The thing is, when she does make it, she is consistently, significantly late. But since my own prayer time has been too lacking lately, I figured I would take advantage of the opportunity to simply enter into the Lord's presence in prayer and praise for a while. I'd picked a time when I would pack up and leave if no one else had arrived, but it wasn't hard and fast. It was more a matter of wanting to stay at least that long, and if I stayed longer because of how the prayer time was going, that was fine.
I prayed the rosary, as we do starting a half hour before our formal start time, lifting up a number of prayer concerns. As I entered into praise and worship time, I especially lifted up my incarcerated friend and his wife, praying that the Holy Spirit would unite and uplift their spirits with the joy of praise in God's presence, as well. They were so instrumental in my having this ministry, and it is so hard to see them dealing with what they're presently up against. After I was done singing and playing, I took some time to thank the Lord for the blessings of the past week, then read through the gospel for Sunday. I will confess that I shortchanged this, in part because of wanting to check all of the gospels for elements of the Stations of the Cross, which I did while I had my bible open. I then spent some time in intercessory prayer for a few concerns I hadn't thought to lift up during the rosary. When I checked the clock, it was about 5 minutes later than the time to which I'd committed to God that I'd stay. So I packed up and carried my stuff out to my car.
And along came the other prayer group member that I'd thought might be there. Being honest with myself, I had a moment of annoyance. I was looking forward to getting home and taking care of a small chore that needs to be done. Still, I waited for her to park, and it was clear from the few minutes of sharing that she needed to talk at more length and just be in touch with God's presence for a while. She has probably been too removed from her spiritual walk each day, and as we are prone to do, had begun to wonder about God's plan for our lives and whether our choices really make a difference.
So we went back into the building and talked for a while. I won't share her details, or my opinions. But I found myself reaffirming for her my belief that God really is at work in and through the circumstances of our lives, that we get to make decisions along the way to trust in God's plan or not, and that we need not spend too much energy or anxiety worrying about whether we're getting the details of our individual decisions along the way right. We aren't going to derail God's work; God has already worked our decisions into his plan of love for the world. Yet our decisions are no less important because of that: the best thing for us is always to act in concert with a desire to do God's will. It is like Merton prayed: we don't know what pleases God, but must believe that the desire to please God does, in fact, God. There was a great reading in yesterday's Office of Readings from St. Bernard that expresses a related thought. Of course it is impossible for us to return God's love in any sort of equivalent measure. What we offer in return will always be paltry compared to God's love for us, and yet offering what we can of God's love back to him is the best we have to offer.
And somewhere in the course of things, I also talked about my spiritual exercise from last week, reminding myself that God always provides for what I need, and if I perceive any lack then it is because either that thing is not a need or God is in the process of providing for it.
Anyway, an hour later we had talked and prayed, and I think she felt touched by God's presence again in our time together.
And somehow, in that moment, everything I shared came forth as if I haven't had the exact same doubts and questions myself. I guess maybe we all do, and we each need someone to reassure us from time to time, to reinforce for us what we must accept by faith. But as I mentioned last night, of this I am certain: even should it ultimately turn out that I am wrong about everything that I believe, there is no other road which I might choose apart from this one that has any potential for leading me to be the best person I can be.
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