Struggles

You know, I was planning to put off that conversation this morning.  I had decided not to even bring it up.  Last night I'd chosen not to express my frustration, to set it aside in an effort to avoid losing the rest of the night.  Choosing instead to respond to your suggestion seemed like the most loving thing I could do, though of course it didn't work out as we planned.  So I was caught off guard this morning when you apologized for that last part, which wasn't even within your control, and left the thing that was in your control completely out of the conversation.  I didn't think it would be right or fair to say that everything was fine when it wasn't, nor to say that something was wrong without letting you know what it was.  The reason I'd decided not to discuss it with you in the first place this morning, though, was that I was certain that you would just be dismissive of what had bothered me.  When you were, only the fact that your response matched up so well with my low expectations kept me from saying anything more about it.

I'm not sure where to go from here.  I don't really feel as if I have anything to apologize to you for.  When I let you know what was bothering me, I'm pretty sure I wasn't a jerk about it.  I suppose I'm going to have to practice what I believe about there not being any prerequisites for forgiveness in a marriage, including agreement or repentance - at least for the little things - and try to just let it go.  But I need to be able to communicate with you when I'm feeling frustrated with some part of our life together without having to dread that you're just going to blow me off, as is our predominant pattern.

I wish I had prayer group tomorrow instead of the Shrove Tuesday evening prayer at St. Helen.  Prayer group helps me more when I'm dealing with this sort of thing.