More details, and a point

One or two more little things I remember from the assault I witnessed.  The guy who got beaten over the head was bleeding, and some folks from the bar came out and tended to him as he sat on the step.  He was insistent that no one call the police.  Of course, there were no cell phones back then, with their handy built-in digital cameras, for someone (me) to snap a picture or snag a video to use as evidence, or for a witness to use to call the police.

But I still can't remember a few other details.  I don't remember which night this happened.  For that matter, I'm not positive which night I was describing two posts ago, though I think that was Saturday.  I'm thinking that I witnessed the assault on Saturday, too, that this was part of the general disorientation I was already feeling when he stepped out of that bathroom.

The thing is, the only reason that matters at all is for my desire to be able to tell a coherent story, and as I've observed before, telling a tale of abuse too clearly would paint an inappropriately neat account of very messy shit.  Sorry, but my therapists made clear that using neat language makes abuse too sanitized for proper appreciation - an inappropos word if ever there was one - of what it is and what it does.  So what if I can't remember the exact order in which all these events which were etched into my neuronic pathways almost three and a half decades ago unfolded?  That isn't at all important.

But if these events still had the power to make me feel out of control of my life, that would be very important.  Revisiting the details of that weekend help me examine any loose ends I may have left unaddressed.  That's a good thing.

I'm grateful to the professionals and the good friends and who have helped me reach a point at which abuse no longer feels like the central truth of my life, at which I can choose to recall my past and acknowledge its effects on me without obsessing over any of these events in an unhealthy way.  And though I've used a pronoun to refer to him in these several posts, and attributed some really unpleasant motivations to his involvement in my life, as I examine my feelings for him now, I do believe I've forgiven him.  I bear him no animosity, and want for him only what is in his best interests.