i've always been enamored of its symmetry
the structure that imposes needed discipline
and keeps the thoughts from aimlessly meandering
to where the threat of narcissism lies
yet now i find that even structure carries me
to selfishness's ultimate offensiveness
the banishment of every love i've ever known
while every hint of decency just dies
they told me that forgiving him would lead me to
a better place where my own heart could find its peace
that i would learn to live and love and be without
his influence imposing its foul way
yet now although i wish him well, my leprous wounds
arise again to trammel me so i cannot
pass through to love's full freedom where i might escape
my fathers' invocations' endless sway
the ones i love deserve so much more than i seem
to find myself now capable of carrying
their beauty and their innocence is crushing me
as i consider where my road now leads
for though there seems no poetry in thirty four
it seems i lack the energy for battling
against the endless tyranny of brokenness
that finally imposes its dark deeds
one thing that helps relieve the pressure of despair
is to consider where pursuing darkness goes
i know there is no use in getting all wrapped up
it's better to acknowledge truth and cope
if on the twenty-seventh i'm still drawing breath
these verses will have purged my psyche of its load
for i will not share forth these thoughts of dark and dread
until the dawn brings a fresh dose of hope
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