Balance

Sometimes we find balances that don't really work for us, and they end up messing us up in the long term.  I had one of those for a long time, and then, it turns out, replaced it with another one.

No, I'm not the greatest thing ever.  And no, I'm not the scum of the earth.  At least, I'm pretty sure it's "no" on both counts.

But these two antipodal points of view have, between them, always defined the most important relationship in my life.  For almost fifteen years, I fancied myself superior to my wife, and she put up with all the attendant baggage that came along with that. For the almost fifteen years since, I've considered myself beneath her, and while I've treated her far better as a result, it has also built our relationship upon an equally false foundation.

St. Paul's admonition to the Philippians, "Humbly regard others as more important than yourselves," has to apply in there somewhere.  In fact, I'm certain that's why our relationship has been way better for her in my latter pseudo-balance than it was in the former.

But the process of accepting myself as someone who is worthwhile brings with it serious relationship challenges, even as I avoid a pendular overcompensation back toward my original delusion.  After being married for thirty years, I didn't expect to have to rebuild our relationship on a new foundation.  I didn't expect differences that haven't mattered in years to suddenly have to be rebalanced.  I didn't expect to have to rediscover the person I'm married to so that I could figure out how each rediscovery fits into a healthily balanced life together.  And those things that have remained issues all along?  Those are the hardest.  I didn't expect to have to put them in a different perspective from the one I've made due with for the last 15 years.

It isn't that we're in a crisis.  Far from it.  I remain committed to you, my darling, and am still really glad we're spending the rest of our life together.