This morning, I prayed though I didn't feel like it, felt as if I didn't belong in the Lord's presence. Old stuff, newly scraped open twice yesterday. I should know better by now. I do know better. But in the middle of the assault, it is hard to connect with. I must find healthy ways to deal with that. And I must touch base with Teri about it far earlier, rather than let it spiral out of control. After this one healthy decision - to honor the Lord with my time, at least:
- Letting the words of Psalm 43 (the third section in today's Office of Readings) concuss against me as an accusation was not healthy.
- Hardening my heart against the words of mercy in the subsequent reading from St. Leo, conscious as I was that I was doing so against God's pleading to me in Ps 95, was not healthy.
- Skipping breakfast just because I didn't feel hungry was not healthy, after a fast day yesterday.
- Finally reaching out to someone was probably the second halfway decent decision I made today, but I didn't do that in a healthy way, either. I should have trusted Teri with this. Still, it was better than keeping it all in my head, I suppose.
- When that tension finally gave, I nearly passed out. Literally: room swirling, cold sweat, everything I remember from my freshman year in high school.
For a guy who thought he'd gotten a lot healthier than this, that's a lot of unhealthy decisions for one morning. I must learn to turn to God's mercy when I start to feel assailed. I must remember what I have learned of God's (and others'!) love for me. I must not put myself through the wringer like this anymore.
I must believe that I deserve better. Perhaps that requires nothing more than Fr. Neuhaus suggests: keeping my eyes on Christ, rather than myself.
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