I just woke from spending a little time with someone I once loved. (And no, I don't believe that it's possible to truly love someone, then not love them, but were she still in my life I would not love her in the same way.) Back then, we were almost 30, far from home, very good friends, and I fell in love with her, knowing I'd soon be returning home to you and the girls, she to her husband. Both of us were determined not to hurt our spouses, yet we relished our friendship. We read Shakespeare together, spoke of films I still haven't seen, drank a proper tea, and she taught me to appreciate classical music. There are things in my life that I still enjoy to which she introduced me, though that is no longer why I enjoy them. I'm still not sure what she ever got from me, aside from an enamoured puppy. I failed to guard my feelings, of course, and gave my heart over to her.
By then I'd gotten that anonymous Letter, not fully believing it, though I would learn upon my return home that it was true. When I did, the only way I was eventually able to reconcile with you, my love, my bride, was to know that I had not withheld my heart from her. Had I learned the truth and not known that I'd myself been unfaithful in all the ways that matter most - had I denied myself the full feelings and experience of that relationship for your sake and then learned of your infidelity - I don't know that I ever would have forgiven you. As it was, I treated you poorly for most of a year. I'm so sorry that I withheld my forgiveness and mercy and love from you for so long.
This morning, I was with her again, in a different place. I was alone with her somewhere, first in the room of a house, aroused but for some reason not yielding to that desire. Then she was driving me somewhere, in a city I didn't recognize, to a destination I didn't know. In my dream, she'd written me a teasing note that I was reading as we arrived, and I tucked it into my pocket to savor later. We entered the eatery, and in the room, there you were, bending over one of our grandchildren as my heart lingered over the excitement of her wanting me, and of wanting her in return. In that moment, there was a choice before me, which I realized in my dream and upon waking was really no choice at all, and I walked over and kissed you, and discreetly went over and threw that note away.
This dream is important to me, especially in your absence. There is some reality in it, though were she in my life she would take no such impropriety. I have long since chosen you over her and all she might represent to me, and so I choose still.
I must help you hear this, love of my life. Though I may miss my friendship with her, I know I can't be her friend again because of how I chose to love her in your place. And I hope you know I will never again make such a decision, to love another in the way I am to love only you. I may have friends who I treasure for who they are and the something inexpressible that they bring into my life. But if so, they are not and will never be an attempt to recreate what I had with her. Rather, they will always be friendships that help me be the man God is calling me to be, and in the process, to love you more fully.
I will never again give anyone a piece of myself in a way that usurps your place, that diminishes my love for you. I'm really glad to be your husband.
And my new friend, should you read this, please know that I treasure you for who you are, and for how you don't want anything from our friendship except what God would have it be.
No comments:
Post a Comment