Bringing it home

Self-forgiveness probably bears at least a little discussion of its own.

There are a whole host of things that self-forgiveness isn't, separate from what forgiveness of others isn't, which bear recognizing.  These are unhealthy - not alternatives, really, but behaviors that we may engage in:

• Rationalizing away our hurtful actions
• Minimizing their effect
• Justifying them
• Transferring blame to others
• Making excuses
• Compensating with other actions

Okay, that list could go on for a while, and it occurs to me that these items are all different ways that active abusers live with themselves and perpetuate their abuse cycles.

And of course, some of the things that aren't the same as forgiving others also aren't the same as forgiving myself.  One thing that comes to mind is forgetting. Sometimes we might, in fact, succeed in blocking out of our memory some of our own most hurtful actions, but that interferes with self-forgiveness and healing rather than facilitating them.

The thing is, I keep reading from multiple sources that we should be quicker to forgive others and not so quick to forgive ourselves.  I think that's true because it's important that we address and correct the things that cause us to hurt others.  But I also think that, for me, self-forgiveness is more about fully receiving the forgiveness that I've been offered by those I've offended, especially including God. Psychology seems to direct quite a bit of attention to the concept of self-forgiveness, but I don't see any biblical basis for it save one - though it's a biggie: love your neighbor as yourself.  If I am to forgive my neighbor, then I must forgive myself. 

And that means not holding my offense against myself, not calling to mind the hurt I've done, not dwelling on my shortcomings any more.

(3/24/2105: Why is that still so damned hard!?)