A very tangled web

Ironically, one of my mother's favorite expressions was from a Sir Walter Scott poem: "Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive." I could spend a few paragraphs on the first word of this post, but it really isn't at all about mom. Last night I was awake a considerable period of time after realizing the ongoing presence of a quite complicated web in my life. It's no wonder that Dayton Unbound uses the Mary, Undoer of Knots devotion. I think I need to pray that novena.

The Five Keys to spiritual freedom are faith and repentance (which form one key, based on the Gospel: repent and believe), forgiveness, renunciation, authority, and the Father's blessing. I find myself struggling with several of them in an area which either the Holy Spirit or my mind brought to my attention during the night. I have been feeling resentment toward a couple people - maybe several, now that I think about it. And resentment means there is unforgiveness present, but not always toward the person you resent. Sometimes it can be unforgiveness toward another person who is more responsible for your resentment, but it can also be tied up with something of which we need to repent. In this case, I feel I need to repent of a decades-old lie. The genesis of this untruth was related to a sin of which I have already repented. The lie itself was not of my making, but I was the one to figure it out and am the only one involved who seems to know that it is an untruth. But to repent of something means turning away from it, and I must not turn away from this lie, or others will bear far worse hurt than I do. So I must find a way to forgive the others who were involved in this lie to which I must adhere, not merely for their involvement in the original untruth, but for my current status as someone who is dishonest, which I detest.

It seems like a situation for a therapist, but I have been down that road multiple times already, and I'm already maintaining the path upon which we have agreed. 

If you're my friend, dear reader, I would find it most helpful if you could find a way to let me know that you are praying for me in this. I feel so alone with it, and the person to whom I would otherwise turn is a part of this web, and discussion with that person on this topic has repeatedly proven unhelpful. 

Another fine distinction

At our Tuesday prayer group, we usually read the gospel for the coming Sunday. I carry the RSV translation, but the lectionary uses the NAB. Occasionally there's a wording difference which makes for an interesting insight. This weekend, we're going to hear the conclusion of Jesus' instructions to the apostles before He sends them out to prepare His way. Among the last verses is the quote, as per the NAB: Whoever welcomes you, welcomes me. But the RSV renders it as whoever receives you, receives me.

The verb difference is subtle, but I think it's worth thinking about.

Today's word

tristful /TRIST-ful/ - sad, melancholy

This quotation cited in the article has felt true for me, at least at times, in my life: "I've been dreading the moment I wake. Waking is a tristful business for the man who reflects." — Howard Jacobson, The Independent (London), 27 Nov. 2010

But this underscores something that Neal Lozano talks about in his Unbound videos: even though our society places a high value on introspection, it is actually a negative thing. It transfers our attention from God's abundant love for us onto ourselves. That isn't to say we shouldn't be self-aware, but being introspective puts too much emphasis on ourselves, and the quote above illustrates exactly what's wrong with that.

It's a fine distinction, but an important one. 

Today's word

scapegrace /SKAYP-grayss/ - an incorrigible rascal

I recognized this word's etymology on sight, even though I think I'd never encountered it before. The article doesn't go into the Levitical origins of scapegoat, but since grace is an equally biblical concept, this term makes perfect sense.

It seems that I often do battle against the temptation to become one of these. I struggle to believe that God is real, and that what He wants for me is better than what I might otherwise want. Ultimately, I keep finding that my faith in God is just strong enough to keep me from turning to the lower road. That really keeps coming down to the baptismal promises: renouncing Satan and all his works and all his empty promises, and believing in God the Father, the Son, and the Spirit at work through the Church.

Well, that was no fun . . .

Kept an eye on the weather radar last night for the early rain to pass, then started off for what I intended to be a four-mile run. But I just couldn't seem to keep running. First walking break happened after running up the first hill, then stopped for a while under a tree while it rained for a few minutes - guess I should have checked that radar more closely. Thereafter, it seems like I was able to run about a half mile at a time before needing to walk for a bit, for the remainder of what ended up being a 4.5 mile outing. As I was preparing to shower, I noticed I hadn't taken my meds yesterday morning, including my bp pill. I wonder if that might have affected my performance?

But the real fun started after I was in bed (ostensibly) for the night. In my dream, my wife's brother-in-law and I were on our way to Johnny Carson's house for a film screening. On the way, he observed that his wife tended to under dress for such occasions. We got there and he went in, but I hung out in the driveway for a minute. The band arrived and started to make their way in around me, as I apologized for not being able to get out of their way more effectively because of the cramp in my foot. My wife and sister-in-law soon arrived, having driven separately from us, and I hugged them both and observed to my SIL in particular that she looked very nice, contrary to her husband's concerns. They started to make their way in, but I wanted to wait until my cramp subsided. My wife's BIL came back out with a bottle of water. There was an African American woman going in, carrying a water bottle, so I took the bottle from my wife's BIL and drank about half of it while she looked on, after which she got on my case for taking her water. It seems that her empty water bottle was for some other purpose (in my dream she told me what it was, and it made sense, but I don't remember now). I apologized and explained my urgent need for hydration, and offered to go get her a new bottle of water. About this time, that foot cramp finally woke me up.

It was the first of about four wake-ups during the night from cramps. I'm not so sure about this triathlon, but I really want to do this, once.

Really nice Sunday, too

The reason we visited family on Saturday rather than Sunday was that we knew three children who were baptized at 10:30 mass, then had a reception to attend for one of them. What a great day. I took advantage of the excuse to sleep in: it was pretty late when we'd gotten home the night before, and I'd done eight hours of driving. Was really surprised to see a friend from Unbound ministry after mass, who it turns out is good friends with the newer family from our choir whose baby boy was baptized. It was nice getting to talk with him and meet his family. Took a nap after we got home, too, then got the grass cut out back. Probably should have done the front again too, but it has only been a few days.

Wonderful Saturday

Got up early for men's group, then headed north to visit my cousin, and my aunt who was visiting him, in Michigan. Hard to believe it has been nearly four years since we saw them. It was a very nice visit. Beautiful weather, so we sat outside for the longest time, and after a while I got the guitar out and played and sang for a while. It was a really nice time.

We met a cousin twice removed who was in utero the last time we saw everyone. What a cutie. Teri played with her at length. Apparently she woke up the next morning and wanted to know where "her friend" was.

It was a four hour drive each way, but it was time well spent. I hope it isn't so long until we see them again.