I remember using the VLSI design lab while working on my degree at WSU. The easiest access times for the computer were in the middle of the night, so I spent my share of early morning hours designing VLSI layouts, after which I would often see those color-coded squares in my dreams.
In my twenty-one years at Kodak, there were only two situations in which I can recall dreaming my work. One was when I was preparing weekly reports for the Prosper Press beta sites, analyzing controller log files and other resources to define and produce system metrics. The other was much earlier, during a site visit to Leeds in which we had to reconfigure a 3600 Printing System to work the way it would actually function rather than the way someone thought it would. (Setting the thing up to cue from downstream and compute the actual starting spot for print would only really work if the page size was consistent between jobs, and that wasn't true of the customer's production.)
Dreaming my work has happened twice already in my new job. I love this work, but to be dreaming evaluation notice responses three days after we finished with them is a little disconcerting; this follows the production in December of the proposal to which these responses pertain.
I hope we win this contract, but I also hope I don't have more dream material because of it!
Monday, February 29, 2016
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Settling for slops
Unitalicized parentheticals within the quotations below added.
This gospel story (Jn 14, through verse 9) helps me see that though we may come home to the Father, as did the Prodigal Son (different story), at a particular time and place, that moment is preceded by a season. I have learned this lesson repeatedly in breakthrough moments through the years. - Neal Lozano, Abba's Heart
As have I. And it turns out that the extended seasons of preparation which the Father uses to prepare us for one lesson which we stubbornly persist in not. quite. getting can coincide with preparation for the ones that will come after. After all, God is not surprised by my struggles to arrive where He is leading me.
Neal goes on with another thought from the Prodigal Son's story:
The recognition of lack, to know that without God there is no life, is actually a blessing. Jesus said, "Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied" (Mt. 5:6 RSV). Pride, arrogance, self-sufficiency - whatever kept him from seeing clearly was eclipsed by awareness of his need. - ibid.
It is true that these things get in our way, too. "I don't need some superstition to help me make sense of the universe or my insignificant place in it!"
As with the Prodigal Son, the recognition that we are starving for the Father is a pain that leads to happiness, for hunger has a way of driving us toward home. Hunger sharpens our senses. It makes us aware of the things that are most important. Other desires pale in comparison with our need for sustenance, for life-giving food. - ibid.
But it can be so hard to notice the true nature of our need. We can mistake the slop trough which the world continually replenishes for us for real nourishment, failing to understand that we can never gorge ourselves sufficiently on them to provide the real nutrition that we need.
On the third through fifth Sundays of Lent, our parish uses the readings for year A at all masses, for multiple reasons: in support of the RCIA scrutinies, to give all parishioners a common experience of mass, and to simplify homily preparation for our priests. This week, we will hear the reading of Jesus' encounter with the outcast Samaritan woman at the well (or, more accurately, vice versa). As we discussed this reading yesterday during our men's group, at one point one of our deacons talked about the quality of cistern water. It occurred to me that we likewise fail to receive Jesus' living water, preferring to rely on the scummy, stagnant water source we have come to know and trust. We don't even recognize our thirst. Going back to the second quotation, above: yes, to recognize the true nature of our lack is a priceless gift.
When the things we use to mask the reality of our lives are stripped away, we come face-to-face with our inner loneliness. To avoid the miserable reality that sobriety brings, addicts long for the next drink or drug. People repeatedly enter short-lived, empty relationships filled with the illusion of intimacy but which only mask the loneliness that plagues them. Some go after thrills and excitement, and as soon as one adventure wears off they crave another. - ibid.
These things can never fulfill us. St. Augustine was right: we each have a God-shaped hole, and only He can fill it. Restless is the heart until it finds its rest in Him.
This gospel story (Jn 14, through verse 9) helps me see that though we may come home to the Father, as did the Prodigal Son (different story), at a particular time and place, that moment is preceded by a season. I have learned this lesson repeatedly in breakthrough moments through the years. - Neal Lozano, Abba's Heart
As have I. And it turns out that the extended seasons of preparation which the Father uses to prepare us for one lesson which we stubbornly persist in not. quite. getting can coincide with preparation for the ones that will come after. After all, God is not surprised by my struggles to arrive where He is leading me.
Neal goes on with another thought from the Prodigal Son's story:
The recognition of lack, to know that without God there is no life, is actually a blessing. Jesus said, "Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied" (Mt. 5:6 RSV). Pride, arrogance, self-sufficiency - whatever kept him from seeing clearly was eclipsed by awareness of his need. - ibid.
It is true that these things get in our way, too. "I don't need some superstition to help me make sense of the universe or my insignificant place in it!"
As with the Prodigal Son, the recognition that we are starving for the Father is a pain that leads to happiness, for hunger has a way of driving us toward home. Hunger sharpens our senses. It makes us aware of the things that are most important. Other desires pale in comparison with our need for sustenance, for life-giving food. - ibid.
But it can be so hard to notice the true nature of our need. We can mistake the slop trough which the world continually replenishes for us for real nourishment, failing to understand that we can never gorge ourselves sufficiently on them to provide the real nutrition that we need.
On the third through fifth Sundays of Lent, our parish uses the readings for year A at all masses, for multiple reasons: in support of the RCIA scrutinies, to give all parishioners a common experience of mass, and to simplify homily preparation for our priests. This week, we will hear the reading of Jesus' encounter with the outcast Samaritan woman at the well (or, more accurately, vice versa). As we discussed this reading yesterday during our men's group, at one point one of our deacons talked about the quality of cistern water. It occurred to me that we likewise fail to receive Jesus' living water, preferring to rely on the scummy, stagnant water source we have come to know and trust. We don't even recognize our thirst. Going back to the second quotation, above: yes, to recognize the true nature of our lack is a priceless gift.
When the things we use to mask the reality of our lives are stripped away, we come face-to-face with our inner loneliness. To avoid the miserable reality that sobriety brings, addicts long for the next drink or drug. People repeatedly enter short-lived, empty relationships filled with the illusion of intimacy but which only mask the loneliness that plagues them. Some go after thrills and excitement, and as soon as one adventure wears off they crave another. - ibid.
These things can never fulfill us. St. Augustine was right: we each have a God-shaped hole, and only He can fill it. Restless is the heart until it finds its rest in Him.
A bride with her head on straight
(Well, the groom, too, but this story is about the bride.)
My wife and I recently attended the wedding of young friends who seem incredibly well-suited for each other. Of course, neither that nor their current focus on Christ guarantees the permanence of their marriage, and they fully know that they will have to guard and nurture their relationship throughout their life together. It was such a joy to be with them as they united their lives in Christ's love.
During the reception, one of the groom's family members commented to me that the bride and groom had both been "choosy," his point being that this was part of what makes them a good couple. As evidence, he mentioned a much earlier conversation in which he evidently inquired of the bride why she wasn't already "taken," and her response was, basically, "Are you kidding? Look at me." She is a stunningly attractive young lady, and he interpreted her to mean that she wasn't willing to just settle for just any guy, that she wanted to spend her life with someone truly special.
While that is probably true enough, I think he missed the essence of her response.
I don't think she was at all saying that she was too beautiful to settle for anyone less than the husband she has found. Rather, I see her insisting that she recognized that it was important for her to be with someone who would love her for who she is rather than merely for what she looks like. I imagine she had no shortage of guys who were entirely willing to fall in love with their idea of what she must be like based on her physical attractiveness. I suppose that some of them may have grown disappointed to find out - to use as crude a metaphor as possible - that her defecation has just as much aroma in it as anyone else's; after all, everyone's poop stinks. I also can't help but think that some of them may have looked to her to provide what was missing in their own self-image: if they could be with such a beautiful young woman, they must be okay. That would not have made for a healthy relationship, and she would have insisted on that! Also, I expect that the men who might have been physically drawn to her made for a considerable noise factor, making it more challenging to recognize when she was with the one with whom she could grow together in God's love for all their lives.
"Look at me," I can hear her saying. "Don't look at what's on the outside, these things over which I have only so much control and are only the smallest part of me. REALLY look at me, and see my whole self! There's beauty – even greater beauty – within, too: talent, understanding, intelligence, motivation, but also hurt, and broken imperfection, and I need someone who is willing to love all of me, and I have only now found the one who will accept and love me for all that I am rather than what they think I must be, who will let me be who I am while helping me to grow into who God wants me to become rather than trying to force me into who they want me to be. Above all, I am a committed daughter of my loving Father, and I need my groom to see that, and to be just as committed to being His son, so that we can allow Him to love us through each other for our whole lives!"
The first time I met her eventual fiancé, he made an ill-advised observation that "they were working" on some weakness of hers. It concerned me, at first, on a couple of levels. But the two of them seem to have grown beyond any uncomfortable implications of that statement, and to have found a person with whom they fit uniquely well.
I am so glad that each of these dear people has found someone to love all of them.
My wife and I recently attended the wedding of young friends who seem incredibly well-suited for each other. Of course, neither that nor their current focus on Christ guarantees the permanence of their marriage, and they fully know that they will have to guard and nurture their relationship throughout their life together. It was such a joy to be with them as they united their lives in Christ's love.
During the reception, one of the groom's family members commented to me that the bride and groom had both been "choosy," his point being that this was part of what makes them a good couple. As evidence, he mentioned a much earlier conversation in which he evidently inquired of the bride why she wasn't already "taken," and her response was, basically, "Are you kidding? Look at me." She is a stunningly attractive young lady, and he interpreted her to mean that she wasn't willing to just settle for just any guy, that she wanted to spend her life with someone truly special.
While that is probably true enough, I think he missed the essence of her response.
I don't think she was at all saying that she was too beautiful to settle for anyone less than the husband she has found. Rather, I see her insisting that she recognized that it was important for her to be with someone who would love her for who she is rather than merely for what she looks like. I imagine she had no shortage of guys who were entirely willing to fall in love with their idea of what she must be like based on her physical attractiveness. I suppose that some of them may have grown disappointed to find out - to use as crude a metaphor as possible - that her defecation has just as much aroma in it as anyone else's; after all, everyone's poop stinks. I also can't help but think that some of them may have looked to her to provide what was missing in their own self-image: if they could be with such a beautiful young woman, they must be okay. That would not have made for a healthy relationship, and she would have insisted on that! Also, I expect that the men who might have been physically drawn to her made for a considerable noise factor, making it more challenging to recognize when she was with the one with whom she could grow together in God's love for all their lives.
"Look at me," I can hear her saying. "Don't look at what's on the outside, these things over which I have only so much control and are only the smallest part of me. REALLY look at me, and see my whole self! There's beauty – even greater beauty – within, too: talent, understanding, intelligence, motivation, but also hurt, and broken imperfection, and I need someone who is willing to love all of me, and I have only now found the one who will accept and love me for all that I am rather than what they think I must be, who will let me be who I am while helping me to grow into who God wants me to become rather than trying to force me into who they want me to be. Above all, I am a committed daughter of my loving Father, and I need my groom to see that, and to be just as committed to being His son, so that we can allow Him to love us through each other for our whole lives!"
The first time I met her eventual fiancé, he made an ill-advised observation that "they were working" on some weakness of hers. It concerned me, at first, on a couple of levels. But the two of them seem to have grown beyond any uncomfortable implications of that statement, and to have found a person with whom they fit uniquely well.
I am so glad that each of these dear people has found someone to love all of them.
Saturday, February 27, 2016
For our ME group tonight, with quote
Tom: This morning, I was coming home from dropping our grandchildren off at our daughter's house when my phone rang. It was Teri asking me to go by the pharmacy on the way home to pick up some medicine that she needed. So I made a right instead of a left and headed in that direction. I passed a sign at the grocery store advertising what looks like a good sale on meat (whole NY strip for $3.99/pound), and started thinking about whether it was a good idea to buy one. My mind wandered from there, and the next thing I knew I was pulling into our driveway, where I realized I had driven right past the pharmacy without stopping. I shook my head, turned around, and headed back to get my wife's medicine, beginning to berate myself a little, as I'm prone to do in that type of situation. "You idiot!" I thought. In a nod to full disclosure: I might have tossed in a not-very-kind expletive.
It was as if my heavenly Father Himself was breaking into my decades-long tendency toward perfectionism to remind me that He loves me not merely despite my imperfections, but even because of them. I felt awash in His love for me, and in a moment felt transformed into His beloved son, whom He sent his own Son to bring home to His loving heart.
Dialogue question:
How has the Father used you to teach me of His heart of love for me? What are my feelings about my answer?
Follow-up dialogue prompt:
How have my experiences of earthly fatherhood interfered with knowing my heavenly Father's love? How do I feel sharing that with you?
Teri (reading from Abba's Heart): "When Jesus told the parable of the father with two sons, He wanted to convict those who thought they were faithful to God. He wanted them to see that their hearts were actually hardened toward the Father and others, whereas the Father's heart was tender. He also told the story so that those who had been disobedient to God would know that that Father longs for them with a broken heart, ready to forgive and embrace them. If your heart is filled with shame or anger, resentment or despair, the Father's broken heart enables you to return home.
"The Father's heart is broken for you. He sent His Son to reveal His love and do whatever it takes to win back your heart. He longs to bring you home. Jesus endured the cross for the joy set before Him; it was the joy of finding you. (emphasis added) You are the one lost sheep, the penny, the son from Jesus' parables. Jesus left heaven to search after you. He did it so that you might enter into heaven's joy. This is the joy of heaven: when the Father's lost children come home to His embrace." - Neal Lozano, Abba's Heart, p. 38
It was as if my heavenly Father Himself was breaking into my decades-long tendency toward perfectionism to remind me that He loves me not merely despite my imperfections, but even because of them. I felt awash in His love for me, and in a moment felt transformed into His beloved son, whom He sent his own Son to bring home to His loving heart.
Dialogue question:
How has the Father used you to teach me of His heart of love for me? What are my feelings about my answer?
Follow-up dialogue prompt:
How have my experiences of earthly fatherhood interfered with knowing my heavenly Father's love? How do I feel sharing that with you?
Thursday, February 25, 2016
Season of repentance
As we speak to the Father, our motives will be exposed, and we will recognize our need for repentance. - Neal Lozano, Abba's Heart
A little over twenty-five years ago, my wife and I had been having a terrible time in our marriage, which I was convinced I had sound biblical reason to terminate. When I was finally certain of my position, I approached one of my closest friends to discuss it with him.
His response was simple: "I understand. But God hates divorce, and I don't believe that's His will for your life." When I became willing to actually seek the truth, even if my motivation was mostly to confirm my own chosen course of action, the Truth met me where I was. By no means was this as simple as deciding to heed my friend's advice, but eventually we got to a much healthier place.
When beginning to post this yesterday morning, I let myself be interrupted by an oppositional 7-year-old who didn't want to do anything of the necessary tasks to prepare for school. My response to her underscores my ongoing need for repentance.
A little over twenty-five years ago, my wife and I had been having a terrible time in our marriage, which I was convinced I had sound biblical reason to terminate. When I was finally certain of my position, I approached one of my closest friends to discuss it with him.
His response was simple: "I understand. But God hates divorce, and I don't believe that's His will for your life." When I became willing to actually seek the truth, even if my motivation was mostly to confirm my own chosen course of action, the Truth met me where I was. By no means was this as simple as deciding to heed my friend's advice, but eventually we got to a much healthier place.
When beginning to post this yesterday morning, I let myself be interrupted by an oppositional 7-year-old who didn't want to do anything of the necessary tasks to prepare for school. My response to her underscores my ongoing need for repentance.
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Disturbing dream
The sense of foreboding as I trailed a friend throughout "the Annapolis marathon" was finally clarified when my stepfather showed up in this morning's dream.
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