Measuring progress

Seven.

I wonder what it would be like if my quality of life depended on this number never returning to zero, if this was as important as a recovering alcoholic, drug, or gambling addict abstaining from their addiction? Would it make it easier to stay on track, or harder, if my perceived stakes were greater? Would there be more pressure, a greater longing for what I could never experience again - especially, in my case, for an alleged part of myself that I've denied? Would I depend on God more, or use the addictive dynamic to reinforce my mistaken notions of my nature to an even greater degree? 

I think that the brain mechanism of my addiction and others is probably similar. I have always judged that the consequences of mine are less, but Matthew Kelly has revealed the lie behind the common perception that this a personal thing that doesn't matter much. 

I also worry that the adversary will use this fresh awareness to set me up for a bigger fall. I don't, for instance, treat this as morally equivalent to eating more than I should - there may be similarities, but it isn't the same thing; after all, you have to eat to live - and I also no longer treat it as no big deal. I am coming to recognize that every temptation we experience is an assault on our identity and our destiny, and we must meet them in the same was that Jesus met his. I know that I am a beloved Son of the Most High who lives by His grace and draws upon His strength in my weakness, and my purpose is to glorify Him with my entire life. 

And this is one area in which I have struggled to do so for as long as it has been physiologically possible.

How I was feeling

I knew that last night was probably my only free night of the week, so I was looking forward to grocery shopping with you. Just you. I was even willing to stay up a little later to do so (though not much). Then it became this group shopping trip, and no, I wasn't interested in that. So divide and conquer seemed like a good plan, and then "Hey, meet us here after you're done there" definitely didn't. So bailed on that part, went home, put my stuff away, put away the dishes which were dry by then, and was still in bed when I wanted to be. I left the light on for you, figuring you'd come to bed when you got home. I don't know what I was thinking; I know better than this. Two hours later I turned it off.

No, you weren't in bed by midnight. I turned the light off at 12:15. You were not long after that, but I was pretty mad by then.

We just keep drifting further apart, and I don't even care anymore. You have your television, and your sewing, and your volunteering, and your way. Have a nice separate life together.

Exercising again

I hope my schedule allows for more of this. It was so nice to get on the bike yesterday, even if it was just for a half-hour. Gotta figure out what's going on with my shifter though.

Aneurysm

Good talk with the neurosurgeon today, and my fear of it being a useless visit were unfounded. I needed to hear what he told me.

I'm thankful I can keep - er, restart - exercising. Angiogram next month (six weeks. sigh) to verify the MRA results. Then decision whether to keep monitoring or to treat.

Today's words

From the Dictionary Devil puzzle:

anfractuous /an-ˈfrak-chə-wəs , -shə- ; -chü-əs , -shü-/ - full of windings and intricate turnings : tortuous

adscititious /ˌad-sə-ˈti-shəs/ - derived or acquired from something extrinsic

campanulate /ˌcam-ˈpan-yə-lət, -ˌlāt/ -  shaped like a bell campanulate flowers

Of these, I think I'd heard of the last before.

Old, tired, fat, slow, down, scared

over-committed, under exercised, and afraid my brain is going to explode and i'll be left incapable.

Did I mention down?

What a helpful post

Today's Best Lent Ever post offers me fresh insight into how virtue and character fit into the greater picture of holiness. I think the Desert Fathers and Mothers would caution us about making virtue and character the goal in and of themselves, but I think they'd confirm their importance in greater scheme of living in Christ Jesus.