Tired.

Am tired of being tired.  Tired of being the only one who wants to do the right thing for the right reasons.  Tired of being in conflict.  Tired of being stressed.  Tired of being older.  Just tired.

Still, better not linger here to watch the snow.

"The sword shall never leave your house"

Even though David was forgiven his sin, this prophecy was not revoked.  The lives and deaths of his sons and grandsons through numerous generations bore out the consequences of his sin, the division that David engendered by embracing adultery and murder rather than holiness.

We tend to embrace a sort of immature grace.  Since Christ has paid the price for our sins, when we repent and receive forgiveness we think that's the end of it, and seem surprised when the consequences of our own actions echo well beyond what we ever foresaw in the course of our self-focused choices.  Our sin will always have consequences.  The moral restrictions on our behavior are neither the sadistic whims of a controlling God nor the primitive superstitions of an unsophisticated people.  Certainly our moral code must change to take into account our technological savvy, but not in a way that discards what either was instilled within us or has developed through painful experience over the millenia of our existence.

When we choose sin, the consequences often extend beyond the immediate ones we consciously disregard.  They are more manifold than we dream, and often go on a long time, some for decades or even for generations.  Maybe we won't see most of our children wiped out in war, or see them fight against us - though I've seen skirmishes of other sorts.  But these consequences are not the end of the story.

And the reason that is so is because of God's forgiveness, perfected as this prophecy of Nathan's is fulfilled  in the piercing of Jesus' side.  The sword shall never leave David's house, for David's pierced descendant remains on the throne of grace for all eternity.  The sword shall never leave your house, yet it has become a sword of reconciliation and boundless grace.

So let us choose to die to our desires with him, to have our own selfish will put to death by the sword.  And when we fail, let the blood and water of the pierced one wash us clean and restore us, and allow his grace to carry us and our loved ones through the painful consequences that may ensue.

My first fifties post

So much has happened since last post.  I was still really down when I wrote it, feeling isolated and rejected and hurt.  We'd had a wonderful Sunday, but I was feeling that t's affection for me that day was rooted more in the occasion than in our relationship.  Before I left for work I asked her about that, and she assured me that wasn't the case.  Later in the day she left me a very encouraging and affirming FB message, which was really what I needed, and also really when I needed it.  Last week would have been too soon, would have kept me from seeing clearly all that I needed to about things, left me less determined to work on them in a new way.  And our hectic weekend had afforded no opportunity.  But I'd reached the point where the lack of affirmation was dragging me down, and it actually took me some time to be able to receive what t was trying to give me.

It has led to some really open discussion that has been important for me and has helped us to grow together as a couple.  We've reinstated some old environmental controls about which I'd grown too lax, and I now feel that I have the partner I need in living the life I'm called to in this area in which I've struggled on my own for so long.  I was trying to go it alone, or even just "me and God," and in truth I must admit that was partly due to not detesting my sin and weakness sufficiently.  Now, the two of us are determined not to just go it alone, either.

I feel I've received a 50th birthday gift from God.  I know it's a gift that he's been offering me for a long time, but I haven't received it as of yet.  It is a gift of new grace and holiness, and of growth and transformation, and I am determined to treasure and nurture it.

My actual birthday yesterday was a mixed bag.  I had a beater of a day at work, and t was sick so couldn't make dinner.  But that worked out well, as I ended up picking up a nice steak to grill for us, along with some garlic mashed redskins and some leftover salsa from Sunday - which just gets better for the first few days afterwards anyway.

Another tough workday today, and tomorrow will be no better.  I need another of me there.  But it will be okay.  And the bike ride with my friends tonight was great. Now, to bed; Lord, bless my rest.

Holding on

Today is back to new normal, I guess, after a really nice yesterday and a weekend too busy to think much.

Our joint 50th birthday party was fabulous yesterday.  There were several close friends we were hoping would be there who couldn't be, some we knew of in advance and some we didn't.  The absence that hurt worst was due to our oldest daughter's boycott.  I figured weeks ago that she wouldn't come, though, when T told me she'd laid an expectation on her, and my suspicions were mostly already confirmed by her inaccessibility all week.

That's pretty much the least painful of the present reality.  I need to do some research today . . .

I hope I never forget . . .

. . .  how I feel now.

status quo . . .

 . . . is restored, finally.  yet, somehow, it isn't the same.

at least there's no more deception.  i've been pretending for too long to want to follow the way of obedience while tolerating the one undeniably sinful area that i've been unwilling or unable to pluck out of my life.  maybe now that i'm not so inclined to self-hatred i can find a healthy way to deal with this.

Getting old

Well, this was going to be a crotchety post, but I've decided against it . . .