Undertaking a challenge, finally

I've decided to take on a home improvement project this spring that I've been putting off.  I'm a little intimidated by this, actually.  

Yeah, that's pretty accurate.  If "a little intimidated" usually means "totally terrified."

I've figured out that's the reason I haven't undertaken this project sooner.  

What if I'm not able to do this?

Self-deterministic "grown-ups"

As adopted brothers and sisters of Jesus, we pray to his Father who is now our Father. 


There is the objection that such prayer is infantalizing, a regression to the dependencies of childhood. Grown ups, it is said, do not need the crutch of a "parent figure" to lean on. Good for them.  I once asked an old priest, a famous spiritual director, what he had learned from hearing thousands of confessions.  He had a ready answer: "There are no grown-ups."  There are grown-ups who pretend, and then there are those who have grown up to know the "second naiveté" of our utter dependence.  The Child who was utterly faithful in his utter dependence was given not a crutch to lean on, but a cross to die on. To those whom he calls to be his brothers and sisters he says, "Take up your cross and follow me." Pretending to be grown-up is easier.  One might be well-advised to keep it up, were it not for the truth that the darkness we feared as a child is real; the darkness we feared is but a slight premonition of the darkness from which he cried, and we cry with him, "Father, into your hands I commend my spirit." - Fr. Richard John Neuhaus - Death on a Friday Afternoon


I struggle along with everyone else to not be so grown up.  Responsible, certainly, but being grown-up implies a self-sufficiency that will simply never be true for me.  The benefit that comes with it is being able to determine for ourselves what is right and what is wrong, to do what I want, to be able to convince myself that what I want is really what's best, against all evidence to the contrary.   It is this self-determinism for which we long as children.  We're eager for the day when we no longer have homework, when we don't have to heed our parents, when we can do as we wish, when we're grown-ups.

Does anyone have the kind of life they imagined when they were kids?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I'm trapped in a life in which I don't get to make my own choices.  But I've also seen the results of making choices in ways that aren't bound appropriately, or are limited by my own vision.  It isn't just a matter of considering the effects my decisions have on others; our decisions have effects we can't foresee.


This is why we so need the utter dependence on God which we scorn in our rationalism.  Yes, many have misinterpreted this to imply a license to impose their will on others.  But applied properly, it is rather a way to set appropriate boundaries in my own life, to draw me out of my selfishness and more fully into a life of love.  When I commend my life into my Father's perfectly loving hands, I am freed to give myself fully, without fear of what I may experience in the process.  Though it may be the cross, beyond it lies a resurrection beyond my imagining.

Stubborn

A young monk had been living in a monastery for two years and was at his wits' end because he did not feel that he knew and understood the art of prayer. One day, in a moment of desperation, he approached a very old monk who was sitting by a river which ran through the monastery grounds. The young monk asked the old monk to explain prayer – what it is and how to do it. Immediately, the old monk grabbed the younger by the scruff of the neck and thrust his head underneath the water. The young monk tried with all his strength to break free but was unable to do so. As the old monk intuited that the younger was about to drown, he yanked the younger out of the water. The young monk gasped for breath as he had never done before, at which point the old monk said calmly, “That is prayer, my son. It is the very breath of life. Make time for prayer, even if it is difficult at times, because for our inner selves, it is as important as oxygen for the lungs. Without it, we spiritually die.”

I presume this story is apocryphal.  Still, I'm growing concerned that I don't want God anywhere nearly as desperately as I need to breathe.  There are too many worldly things that I seem to want more, that are more tangible and present to me.

God, nurture in me a greater desire for you, and put to death in me all that chooses other things in your place.

Inanimate objects

We're allowed to hate them, right?

A most satisfactory day!

Wonderful grandkid time - all day long!  A very nice bike ride.  A beautiful Louisiana spring day, with comfortable temperatures, low humidity, and a refreshing breeze.  Fun at the park (pix on FB).  A fine dinner together.

This may be an example of the worst sort of scriptural misquote, but "Lord, it is good for us to be here."  Like the apostles, I too wish I could pitch tent and remain upon this "mountaintop."

Constructive effect

The most deep-seated wisdom can be expressed in ways that are bizarre and morally odious.  The truth that something must be done about a wrong committed - that it must be punished or amends be made - can lead to vengeful and sadistic acts.  Lives are made miserable by demands for expiation that cannot be satisfied.  Many people twist their whole lives into a futile effort to make up for some great wrong they did.  Such efforts can have a constructive purpose but a destructive effect." - Fr. Richard John Neuhaus - Death on a Friday Afternoon


So, Fr. Neuhaus, you're saying it isn't just me?  I guess can buy that.  But if you're suggesting that the self-judgment I've carried has been destructive in its effects, I think I may have a quibble with you.

I'm not going to delve too deeply into some of my efforts to make up for my wrongdoing; that is due to a combination of fear over what there is to discover there and the good sense of knowing there are some balances that are best left undisturbed.  Our therapy team was thorough about helping make sure we are mostly equipped to properly manage my tendency in that regard.  There really is only one area they might have overlooked, though they did try to at least give it a cursory examination.  If they reached the wrong conclusion, it was by our insistence.  And if we were all wrong, it is far too late.  But the thing is, I happen to believe that effort has proven most constructive in its effects as well as its purpose.

Worth the trip

April 26, 2010 - Ft. Polk, KY


The greeting I received from my youngest daughter at the visitor's center when she arrived to escort us onto post - as she clung to me, refusing to break our initial embrace, at least until I'd removed all traces of the cursory from my hug and fully returned it in kind - was worth the trip.

Hannah's squeal of delight from the neighbors' yard as she caught sight of us - she'd evidently awakened in the morning upset that we weren't here already, then watched the clock all day, anxiously waiting for it to say 4-0-0, because that's what time we were supposed to get here - followed by the dripping wet hugs we received because she'd been playing in the water, were worth the trip.

Nic's unsolicited, "Grandpa?  Me love you," - transformed in our separation from an aloof toddler to a doting grandson - as I sat playing the guitar, not especially "for him" at that moment, but just the two of us present to one another in the room, was worth the trip.

Even Emma's running past me to get to Grandma, with whom she has spent so much more time and so recognized much more quickly - though later she was the first one to come over to play the guitar with me - along with the excited way she kept waving to us, was worth the trip.

Big Nic's appreciation - in spite of the extensive dental work he'd had done earlier in the day! - of the City Barbecue we brought with us for them - and the Crown Royal we enjoyed together in the evening, were worth the trip.

Hearing Cassie and Nic share about their marriage retreat, and Fireproof, and on them having The Love Dare (though I don't think either of them has started it yet), and her enthusiasm for The 5 Love Languages and their determination to nurture their relationship together, was worth the trip.

What abundant blessings, all in one evening!  Thank you, God!!