Abba's Heart

I love you, Dad. Do you love me? - Micah Lozano, in a note under the Christmas tree, as recounted by his father Matt Lozano and grandfather Neal Lozano in the Introduction to Abba's Heart

I'm pretty sure I'm going to love this book. And I'm also pretty sure it's going to complete a work of healing in my life that I'm realizing has only begun.

My life cries out this question to the men I could call "father." But opening my prayer time with it, or invoking it during Mass, provides a reminder of a steadfast love which I need never doubt but must - absolutely, life-changing-ly must - remember in a new way. I must always remember my utter, childlike dependence on my Father's love, and I must know it forms the nexus around which every other thing in my life - every endeavor, every thought, every feeling - must revolve and find resolution.

I hope that this wonderful, joyful  reassurance that I feel in my heart each time I have offered this prayer does not fade with repetition.

Rejoicing over me

I am called to repent of unbelief if I do not believe the truth that the Father is singing in joy because of me! - Fr. John Horn, S.J, in the second Foreword to Abba's Heart

This sentence follows closely over the quotation of Zp 3:14-18, with an encouragement to read and understand this passage in the first person. And I find myself aware of a truth in a new way.

I have long known that God rejoices over me when I do what He knows is best for me, and that God loves me even when I don't. But this foreword and this book are leading me to realize that even the sadness which God may feel on my behalf - or even anger, again for my sake and also for others' - does not diminish the joy He takes in who I am, even when I choose poorly. Somehow, that knowledge is part of the five keys of spiritual freedom that help me remain unbound from bondage to poor choices. There is liberating power in knowing who I am in the context of who God - my Father - is.

I have an experience of something like this that I've never had before, in watching my grown daughters. They are a marvel, even when I disagree with their choices.

There is absolutely no way I can express this. But I expect this is but the first toe-in-the-water touch of this book drawing me more deeply into my Papa's heart.

Somebody is reading me *really* late . . .

. . . , if they're in my time zone, at least. Hi there!

Sleep interruptions

I always hate waking up in the middle of the night alone. But I especially hate it when things are crazy busy at work. I get up to wake mrs. tg from in front of the television, use the bathroom while I'm up, and when I get back into bed the gears are cranking too much to let me sleep.

Bourbon, do your stuff.

Latest proposal should go out tomorrow, and my 70+ page process should go into review tomorrow, too, right on schedule and on budget.

I think I'm going to take on some freelance technical writing/editing work, for extra income. Or start looking for another job in a few months, with a salary increase instead of a parallel move.

Nonsense text origin

"Neque porro quisquam est qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet, consectetur, adipisci velit . . . "

"There is no one who loves pain itself, who seeks after it and wants to have it, simply because it is pain . . . "

I was looking to check my newsletter layout using the "lorem ipsum" text, which I knew was nonsense that commonly serves that purpose. My online search told me "the rest of the story." I didn't know that it was based on an actual Latin text from Cicero. 

One might argue with this passage, but I don't think he'd be successful. Even those who seem to seek pain for its own sake have some underlying reason for doing so.

The question was

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
If I had it to do over again, 
Why would I still pick you?
What are my feelings about that?

I was glad for the opportunity to write about it. I've been struggling, lately, with how things have been going; I was glad for the opportunity to express my understanding that struggling is part of what this journey is about, and that my struggles don't cause me to regret my choices. I remain convinced that we belong together (Sing it, Pat Benatar!) in God's plan for us for all eternity. Since my darling had not been able to join me at this meeting because of nausea and abdominal pain, I texted her the prompt, too.

I didn't really expect her to write me a letter, too. I know how writing makes her feel inadequate. That doesn't mean I wasn't disappointed that she didn't, or that it didn't hurt when she said that she couldn't think of anything to say.

It's a good thing that I know she loves me.