Every three years

I was reminded again today of where I was on this Sunday of the year in 1989.  I was feeling emotionally forlorn on my way to my one-year remote tour of duty at Shemya AFB in the Aleutians - subsequently renamed Eareckson Air Station a year before it was officially closed as an active air station in 1994. In-processing was through Elmendorf AFB - now Joint Base Elmendorf-Richardson - in Anchorage. Thus I found myself attending Mass at the base chapel in The Land of the Midnight Sun with a heavy heart, very much missing my family, trying to figure out how we were all going to get through the year of separation looming ahead of us.

I don't think I've ever heard a Scripture passage during Mass that has so conveyed a message that I needed to hear.  "Whoever sets his hand to the plow and looks back is unfit for the kingdom of heaven." It seems harsh, now, to apply these words to someone who was leaving his family behind to spend a year in such a remote place, but it would soon become clear that I would have plenty of work to occupy my time, both in my official duties and in music ministry. I didn't know this yet, of course. Still, this reading was just the reminder I needed, at a challenging time, that God would provide for us along the way. I needed to refocus my attention on what he would have me do where I was going, which would include nurturing my family from a distance, but without the sense that my life in him and with them was being suspended for a whole year.

As it would turn out, that year would present challenges I never dreamed of, particularly in its second half. To suggest that it would take us a long time to recover from the damage would be to misrepresent the true state of our lives at that point. Neither my bride nor I was emotionally healthy then, nor was our relationship, and in retrospect the events of that year are evidence of that state rather than its cause. But we have since done the hard work that was needed for each of us to become equipped to be partners in our life together, and this year now feels nostalgic for me, not in terms of longing to go back to that earlier time but because of the part of our history that it has become.

Today's words

risorgimento \ree-zor-jih-MEN-toh\ - 1. the 19th century movement for Italian political unity (usu. cap.)  2. a time of renewal or renaissance : revival

I guessed fairly closely at the second meaning based on the similarity to "resurgence." 

perfervid \per-FER-vid\ - marked by overwrought or exaggerated emotion : excessively fervent

Without reading the WOTD write-up, I knew this had to be related to fervid, fervor and fervent. This seems to be the only one of the four not to have meaning related to physical heat. 

But . . .

. . . I like my carnal outlook.

Of course, that is part of what I'm asking God to change.

More words

advection \ad-VEK-shun\ - the usually horizontal movement of a mass of fluid (as air or an ocean current); also : transport (as of pollutants or plankton) by such movement

I had a pretty good sense of what this one means as soon as I saw it.

lobscouse \LOB-skows\ - a sailor's dish of stewed or baked meat with vegetables and hardtack

Wasn't at all familiar with this one, though.

Both from today's Dictionary Devil puzzle.

Today's word

inselberg \IN-sul-berg\ - an isolated mountain

A new one on me, but the etymology makes sense.

Guarding my thoughts

I often have musings that I'm not sure I should publish for anyone else's eyes. These may be a reaction to an emotionally taut situation or a frustration that I blog about instead of acting on in some other way. Usually I will just jot my immediate thoughts down in a draft post; often I then completely forget about them. I may notice them in my drafts folder in a couple days and edit out a harsh tone, or remove a hurtful thought, or add a bit more detail on where I was coming from. For other posts, I just decide that it's best to completely toss them out.

Sometimes I don't notice them for months. Then I might not have included enough details to remember what the draft post was about in the first place, or I might decide I want to flesh the post out in more detail and add it to my blog, now that the extra distance has made the issue less tender. A post like this may never get read, though, if I leave the date/time stamp with which it was originally created. That's okay; I mostly blog for my own expression.

Today's words

monger \MUNG-gur\ - 1. broker, dealer — usually used in combination  2. a person who attempts to stir up or spread something that is usually petty or discreditable — usually used in combination

I'll say it's usually used in combination. I didn't even realize that it was a word by itself!

peccant \PEK-unt\ - 1. guilty of a moral offense : sinning  2. violating a principle or rule : faulty

If only this adjective never described me anymore.

Analogies

(now I've lost track of when I started this. it was weeks ago, but how many eludes me. I'm finishing based on today's gospel reading:)

The rule with boats is: on, or off, but don't straddle!  Early in my Christian walk I heard this analogy. Oh, the boat may be right next to the dock right now, but it's going to move away. We must either follow Christ or not, but don't try to follow him partly, with a foot in each kingdom. Either get in the boat or stay on the pier, but if we try to keep one foot each place we're going to get very wet.

A similar idea is used by Mr. Miyagi to explain to Daniel-san how he should commit to the way of life represented by karate, not just dabble in it.  "If do karate just little bit: squish. Like grapefruit."

For several years we've been throwing around the no-limit poker term "going all-in," often without really being fully committed.  Poker players mean this, for the game currently in progress, when they use this term. But there will be another game tomorrow, after all, and Christians sometimes try to borrow the idea of being all-in when they're not, really, totally committed to their walk.

The thing is, trying to be a little bit Christian is a dangerous thing for us. Let me be clear: I'm not talking about condemning people who don't agree with us. But we really cannot live according to God's plan for our lives and according to the world's perspective, and any way that we try to do that is going leave us soaked, squished, or broke. In my finances, my ethics, my relationships, my morality, my responses to my emotions, my control of my life, my spiritual influences, or any other way I can think of, I need to decide how I'm going to live and then commit myself to that path. Am I going to trust in God or not?

In today's gospel reading, Jesus says that if we would follow him, we must take up our cross and follow. The thing is, we try to follow without really taking up our cross and committing ourselves to follow where he leads. When we do, we usually discover later that we have to go back and retrieve it from where we tried to leave it behind or avoid it.

Completely talking to myself here.

I know . . .

. . . that if the day ever comes that I have to live without her, I will miss the chaos that currently drives me crazy.  I know, too, that there is chaos of my own that will run amok without her to keep it in check.

Sometimes it is good for me to remind myself of these things out loud.

Today's word

habiliment \huh-BIL-uh-munt\ - 1. characteristic apparatus : trappings  2a.  the dress characteristic of an occupation or occasion — usually used in plural  b : clothes — usually used in plural

I guess I knew this word, but haven't used it much.

I also just noticed that I used Sunday's WOTD in a message earlier.  It's the first time I've noticed that happening, but it's also a pretty common word.

And I have indeed caught up . . .

Conflict gripes

Gripe #1:
When you came back in as I was dumping the water out of the frying pan with the bratwurst, I explained that they were done and I wanted to brown them.  This was after I checked their firmness, which was way better than it had been ten minutes before.  By this point they'd been boiling for ten solid minutes after the first time I checked them on coming in the door, when they had already obviously been cooking for several minutes.

I realize that you're paranoid about food being done, and that we have had issues with sausages in the past.  However, there is really no need to check every bite as you're eating. And when I finally ask if it's done, knowing full well that it's done as there wasn't even the slightest hint of "not done" in mine and there was no way for them to get unequally done (as there would have been had we grilled them), be sure to give me a disdainful, "Barely," implying that I did something wrong at some point here. I suppose you thought I was suggesting that you did, maybe you thought I was suggesting you were overcooking them, but no, I was just taking care of things because you were out of the kitchen.

But for the record: no, they weren't "barely" done. They were done.  Like I said.

(Of course, I understand that the world would surely end if you just conceded that I was right about something.)

Gripe #2:
Okay, and this is why I didn't want to cosign this loan.  Your very first payment is now awaiting the selling of your old car?  That money is supposed to come out of your mid-month paycheck every month, and you agreed that would start this month, since the first payment is due before the middle of next month. Where has your mid-month paycheck gone such that you can't make your car payment from it?  How is next month's mid-month paycheck not going to go the same place? You've been putting in all kinds of overtime.  And the money you got from selling your old car was supposed to come to us, to put toward what we loaned you for previous work on your old car, not make your new car payment.

I am not going to jump your case about this. Your mom seems to think I shouldn't be concerned and I'm going to follow her suggestion on how you should handle your monthly payment.  I am, however, taking the opportunity to grumble here instead where you'll never see it.  I'm concerned about how you're starting out, and I can only barely manage the faintest hope that it might not be a sign of things to come.  And I am absolutely going to make sure you don't mess up my credit.



This was not a fun evening.

Funny book title

God Loves You and there's nothing you can do about it

This book is from David Mangan, one of the original retreatants on the Duquesne weekend which is considered to have begun the charismatic renewal of the Catholic church. It apparently focuses on how to allow the Holy Spirit to be more active in our lives so that we can be transformed from "weak but sincere Catholics" to believers empowered by what Mangan refers to as "spiritual dynamite."  Sounds like good stuff.

But the title is really resonating with me right now. This short reflection is not based on Mangan's book, beyond the title.

God's love for each one of us is infinitely greater than we can fathom, and there is absolutely nothing we can do to reduce it by the smallest amount. Even if we completely lose hope in God's love, even if we reject him completely, God still loves us beyond the greatest conception of the depths of love that our limited minds can conceive. God's love for each of us individually is greater than any amount of doubt we might have and any depth of despair by which we may feel overwhelmed. We may not always feel connected to that love; we may feel very far removed from it, and we may through circumstance or choice lose contact with it, but God never does. And there are a few things we should remember:

• He knows us better than we know ourselves.
• He knows our need better than we ourselves know it.
• He wants better for us than we want for ourselves.
• His plan for our lives is greater than our own.
• He doesn't merely love us collectively because there happen to be billions of us. He loves and cares for each of us.
• He doesn't love any one of us any more or any less than any other of us.
• God can never be too busy for our need.

But:

• His perspective on our lives goes beyond our own perspective, both within and beyond our earthly life.

Too often my prayer is rooted in begging God to work the circumstances of my life - or the lives of those I love - in the way I think is best for me or for them. But my prayer is more aligned with God's plan for my life when I focus more on asking God to do whatever it takes to make me the person he dreams for me to become. When I have this focus - and I don't have it often enough - I'm more likely to receive the circumstances of life in a peaceful way that allows the light of God's love to shine through me.

That isn't to say that God is only concerned with my transformation. Rather, God is concerned with every aspect and circumstance of my life in the context of my transformation and that of those around me, that we might spend eternity in the joy of his kingdom. The dark times we experience along the way, in which God's love may not seem very tangible or real, appear to be a normal part of the Christian journey. I believe that the greatest obstacle to getting through them is to become too focused on the circumstances around us that may have led us into the dark place. When my attention becomes fixed on getting out of these situations, as the chief thing for which I'm looking to God becomes deliverance from my straits rather than simply a deeper fellowship with him, as I desire more what I want God to do rather than communion with God himself, the light of his love can seem very far from me. Indeed, I can begin to conclude that there are conditions that God will have to meet before I can ever truly enter into his presence and his joy.

God's desire for me - indeed, for each of us - is to meet us where we are each day, that we might walk with him. This is but a foretaste of the joy we will know in his kingdom for all eternity, but life without that foretaste is bland indeed, or worse. Still, no amount of anxiety, pain or suffering we may experience will begin to approach the joy that is ours for all eternity, and God does not desire for us to wait until we die to begin know the joy that becomes ours when we become his beloved sons and daughters.

God, help me - and those I love - to know we are in your presence this day, in the midst of whatever challenges may be ours.

Today's words

millefleur \meel-FLER\ - having an allover pattern of small flowers and plants

This is one of the most obvious etymologies I've ever seen in a word I'd never heard before. 

dudgeon \DUJ-un\ - a fit or state of indignation

This word always throws me for a loop because, every time I encounter it, my brain expects it to mean something akin to one of its rhymes. In fact, the obsolete term mentioned in the WOTD write-up makes more sense to me.

styptic \STIP-tik\ - tending to contract or bind : astringent; especially : tending to check bleeding

I always know what this means when I see it in context, but not so much when I find it standing alone.

Pretty much caught up now.

(More) Today's words

tontine \TAHN-teen\ - a joint financial arrangement whereby the participants usually contribute equally to a prize that is awarded entirely to the participant who survives all the others

I've certainly heard of this sort of arrangement before, but don't remember this word for it.

sky pilot \SKY-PYE-lut\ - clergyman; specifically : chaplain

This is new one on me. I wonder if the phrase is more commonly used of naval chaplains than of those in the air force. 

efflorescence \ef-luh-RESS-unss\ - 1a. the action or process of developing and unfolding as if coming into flower  b. an instance of such development  c. fullness of manifestation : culmination  2. the period or state of flowering  3. the process or product of efflorescing chemically

I may have once known the chemical sense (described more fully in the full WOTD article). 

Today's words

alameda \al-uh-MEE-duh\ - a public promenade bordered with trees

Now I know why Alameda Boulevard is called that.

muliebrity \myoo-lee-EB-ruh-tee\ - femininity

Counterpart to virility, which is much more broadly known (supporting the lament that our culture is too male-dominated).

canker \KANK-er\ - 1. to become infested with erosive or spreading sores 2. to corrupt the spirit of  3. to become corrupted

Was familiar with the noun form, but not the verb.

One or two entries until I'm caught up . . .

Quit looking through the damned straw

Happy those concerned for the lowly and poor; when misfortune strikes, the Lord delivers them. - Ps 41, 2

How long have I been indulging this habit of focusing on my frustrations and struggles to the exclusion of both my blessings and my calling?  I know so many people who are dealing with so many (far) greater challenges than my own. And I am among the richest people in the world, both materially and otherwise. Yet I'm back into the habit that my therapist described as looking at the spot through a straw. On the beautiful, vast mural of my life there is a black spot, and I point the straw of my attention there and refuse to take it away and look at the bigger picture: how much we have grown together, the abuses that are no longer a part of my life, the joy of being in God's presence. At least I have continued to try to help others along the way, and perhaps that is how this one verse has now lifted my own spirits.  In wallowing in my frustration over situations that I cannot change instead of allowing my focus to be broader - in making my chief concern for myself instead of for others - I have lost sight of all that God has done for me already, and thereby forgotten that the Lord will never fail to provide for my true needs.  How often he has done so in unlooked-for ways, including how he delivered me from my own past in a far different way than I thought best. Rather, I have grown demanding and petulant, and my impatience has made me so short-sighted and judgmental.

I should know better by now.

Goals, accomplished and not

I had several things in mind for this morning. The first was to begin my day with prayer. By God's grace I did so, but by my own lack of discipline it was a fairly short and unfocused prayer time. Oh well; it's a start.

I also intended to blog about something other than new vocabulary words. This entry accomplishes that.

And finding my misplaced thumb drive this morning was a great relief. I'm thinking that I must have been the one to leave it in the camera bag, because I'd had a nagging thought to check there since I realized last week that it wasn't among my other usual pocket miscellany.

There was a fourth thing - I'll skip the details here - that I failed to get done this morning. It was probably adversely affected by my short-changing that first priority, which itself fell victim to being distracted by the online game I started playing with my oldest "Aloha granddaughter" months ago. She hasn't been connected online in at least two months, so I now mostly keep playing from habit.  It seems to me I'd be well served by letting it go, as long as I use that time for something better than more uselessness.

Today's words

hoise \HOYZ\ - lift, raise; especially : to raise into position by or as if by means of tackle

I often think that etymologists' distinctions are much ado about nothing. In this case, learning the meaning of petard will probably do more to help keep me from butchering the most commonplace application of this synonym of  - but technically different word from - "hoist." 

petard \peh-TARD\ - 1. a case containing an explosive to break down a door or gate or breach a wall  2. a firework that explodes with a loud report

I've never seen this definition, and always assumed a petard was a sort of lance or hook. As a result, I misunderstood the phrase to be "hoist upon one's own petard," instead of "hoist by . . . ," thereby screwing up both the verb (actually past participle of "hoise," not any form of "hoist") and the meaning of the object.

sui generis \soo-eye-JEN-uh-ris\ - constituting a class alone : unique, peculiar

So many of us would like to consider ourselves such, and in truth we are, but rarely in as lofty a sense as we'd like! (My mind is going to insist on pronouncing the second syllable consistently with Latin.)

At this rate, it looks like I'll be at least the rest of the week to catch up, especially if I'm led away from the WOTD list as I was by the second of these.

Today's words

chilblain \CHIL-blayn\ - an inflammatory swelling or sore caused by exposure (as of the feet or hands) to cold

I'd probably have gotten this one in context.

diseuse \dee-ZOOZ\ - a woman who is a skilled and usually professional reciter

I'd have never guessed that the beginning of this word was from the same etymological roots as ditto.

decussate \DEK-uh-sayt\ - to intersect or cross

And I'd have never associated this one with the number ten, but it makes sense, at least in Rome.

Yep, still catching up.

An oddly nice day

I was so weary at the start of the day, from all of the hassles of the week, and the successful completion of my daughter's car search yesterday didn't diminish the dread I had for how today was likely to go. I felt out of control of things, like I wasn't going to be able to make the choices I wanted to in order to spend the day as I preferred.

As it turns out, I wasn't, and that was okay.

Sometimes we just need to let the things we're dreadfully anticipating be - or not be - and just go with the results. The decisions we make in that emotional dynamic, and our resulting experiences, are very different from what we receive - what we're open to - when we wrap ourselves tightly around our inability to make things as we desire them to be.

Today's words

stichomythia \stik-uh-MITH-ee-uh\ - dialogue especially of altercation or dispute delivered by two actors in alternating lines (as in classical Greek drama)

I probably learned this word, once, briefly, in my college Classics class, which was one of three non-engineering/science classes I had left to take when I got to WSU.

troglodyte \TRAH-gluh-dyte\ - 1. a member of any of various peoples (as in antiquity) who lived or were reputed to live chiefly in caves  2. a person characterized by reclusive habits or outmoded or reactionary attitudes

Here's one I knew by meaning, if not precisely by definition. 

 fustigate \FUSS-tuh-gayt\ - 1. to beat with or as if with a short heavy club   2. to criticize severely

Oh, please, please fustigate me!

WOTD was rife with new words while I was on vacation - though the first one is today's.

Today's words

Wow.  I just realized that I haven't checked the WOTD since before vacation!  So, to begin the catching up:

orotund \OR-uh-tund\ adj. - 1. marked by fullness, strength, and clarity of sound : sonorous  2. pompous, bombastic

Put together the roots of oral and rotunda and this word makes perfect sense.

cachinnate \'KA-kih-,nate\ - to laugh loudly or immoderately

I probably either know this one or entered it before. I keep seeing it in the WOTD listing instead of the actual word it links to, berceuse, which I covered in my last (and lengthiest) "words" post.

exiguous \ig-ZIG-yuh-wus\ - excessively scanty : inadequate

I'd have never guessed at this one. The etymology in the WOTD write-up is pretty interesting. and even having seen it, I'm sure to mispronounce the first syllable if I'm ever given the opportunity to read it aloud, though I hope the context would likely remind me of its meaning.

Enough for today.

The importance of time

Don't get me wrong: I'm praying quite often. That's not nearly the same thing as what I'm talking about.

That was then

In the past, my bride inevitably suffered by comparison to, well, pretty much everyone else in my life, but especially my female friends. Always. I'm still chagrined to recognize that a main purpose of these friendships was for my wife to suffer in comparison to them. What I'd share with my close friends was almost never about her, yet that sharing formed the basis for my comparisons. When I would complain about her - with good cause or not - or, more often, simply lament that we were unable to share together in the same way as I could in these friendships, I'd usually find a sympathetic ear, and as a result my emotions often went in a direction that I should never have allowed. This caused my bride much pain in the short term, and myself in the long term the loss of good friends.

The core cause of this dynamic, of course, was my own insecurity. Deep inside, I knew I wasn't a good person, and all of the dynamics of growing up in an alcoholic home and experiencing parental suicide and sexual abuse were at work in me to reinforce that inner knowledge. But it was all a deeply buried secret, most of all to me, so I needed continual evidence to the contrary. This was most easily available in the form of my perceived superiority to my constant foil, my bride.

Today, as a result of a lot of hard work and thanks to the loving grace I've received from so many, first and foremost my dear wife, my own self-concept is very different, which has made all the difference. I still have to be on the lookout against my inferiority/superiority dynamic, because I still deal with a significant amount of self-judgment, but I'm aware of it as I was not before. Since I no longer need to elevate myself at my wife's expense to resolve a cognitive dissonance between my conscious and unconscious images of myself, I'm now able to have a close friend for friendship's own sake, rather than as a means to make up for what I secretly believed to be lacking in myself.

I still have road to walk, but it's a way smoother road.

Paternal nostalgia

When coworkers are comparing notes on what their daddy always told them, I suppose it's best for me not to chime in with my version Or even think about what that would be.

Final days in Hawai'i (text added)

This cutie was beached for almost the whole time we were there on Thursday afternoon. I saw a couple of her buddies up close, in the water about a quarter mile along the beach, too.