"I'm sorry I've been such a pain these last few days," she said, after we'd both climbed into bed and kissed good night. Yes, she'd been pretty irritable, and until earlier in the evening I'd thought she was mad at me over how busy I was. Holy Week is always insane for me, and this year had been unusual in that the week before had been no less hectic. Still, I'd made a sincere effort to be more present and helpful during the time I was home, and had to fight off my own pique over my contributions not being more appreciated. It wasn't much of an effort, but still one that I found I had to make consciously.
"That's okay," I responded gently, "it just gave me a chance to choose to love you." In fact, I had just journaled about something like this in the wee hours of the morning.
She didn't understand what I meant, and asked me to clarify.
"Well, usually it's easy to love you. But I'm not only supposed to love you when it's easy; I'm supposed to keep loving you when it doesn't come so naturally, too," I explained, concluding, "And I was really glad to."
"You always know what to say," she answered, clearly pleased and also lightly teasing.
But the thing is, it wasn't so much a matter of saying the right thing as of really having experienced this dimension of love, which we seem to miss so often. It's as if we've become largely incapable of loving with anything except our emotions. But I'm convinced it's the way that we love when we don't especially feel like it that actually paves the way for those loving emotions to become more consistent within us.
holy moly. you always write so well. and express things so well.
ReplyDeletebut you have truly outdone yourself with this post. well, the writing is, as always great, but the definition/explanation so often misses most of us.
You are truly gifted.
thanks for stopping by my place. i hope your Easter has been blessed.
Signed,
Thomas, the other doubter!
Hi Tom! So good to hear from you! Thanks for the generous feedback.
ReplyDeleteI can't count the times I've chosen to indulge my pique rather than love with my will. Just last week I did it again (as I posted). We can do what we're technically supposed to do, but if our attitude is wrong then we're not really loving (thus my Martha vs. Mary observation). And if we make a habit of that then we erode our relationship rather than building it up. I think recognizing this choice in the moment I wrote about was the direct result of a really grace-filled and prayerful Lent.
We tend to think of this "sacrificial" aspect of love as a burden, but if we approach it rightly we find that it truly is the most incredible blessing. I think I may post more on this.
My Easter season has been really wonderful. I'll probably share more on that in another post, too. (See, with one supportive comment you've inspired two post ideas - thanks again!)