Da Vinci

A coworker has a list of quotations - about 3000 or so - that are cycled through each time you hit his homepage. In tribute to Poe, we refer to it as the "quote of the hit," or QOTH. Today, I saw this one, which led me to reflect for a moment, which is of course the reason he puts quotations on his page in the first place:

"People react to fear, not love—They don't teach that in Sunday School, but it's true."
—Leonardo da Vinci

Da Vinci was a genius, but he was only almost right on this. I will credit him with meaning something like this, though: "People's reactions to fear are more basic than their responses to love. As long as someone is afraid, it will inhibit their ability to receive and return love."

I believe that the chief reason that so many marriages fail to achieve their potential (well, relationships in general, but a marriage is supposed to reach the ideal) is that we never get beyond our behavioral issues to the underlying, unrecognized, and therefore unresolved, fears that produce these behaviors. These fears have deep roots which (often) long antedate the current relationship, and it takes a long time in a truly safe environment for a wounded person to feel secure enough to face them.

A relationship that becomes marked by insecurity just doesn't feel safe enough to provide that opportunity. Unfortunately, most marriages are on rocky ground before we realize we need outside resources to help us root out our longstanding issues. Ironically, it can be the presence of a secure relationship that initially provides a safe environment in which the wounded person begins acting out this latent fear, thereby eroding that security before they can get at their underlying issues.

Many people live in constant fear without recognizing it. For the longest time - in healthy retrospect, I realize it was for as far back as I can remember - I was one of them. I thank God that my wife was willing to love me through it all.