A bright spot

Daily cribbage. 

I'll take it. 

if joy is an indicator of an authentic Christian life, i must be an utter fraud.

What if . . .

. . .  instead of building up an immunity to iocaine powder, we just acclimate to its symptoms, but it's still fatal to us?

And what if our iocaine is sin?

Tim

When we were growing up, he seemed so much older than I was. Rick and Mike seemed like my peers. Jim, Dave, and Tim seemed much older. But Tim was only two years senior to me. I don't think that ever struck me until this week.

In the warm months, we'd always walk together to the ballpark and play. I was never as athletic as my cousins, to my dad's dismay. But they never shunned me or made me feel inferior. It always seemed like a couple of them would get into a dust-up over something. I think it was usually lack of hustle or some other attitude issue. It seems to me it was always Tim and Mike in the middle of it, with Tim not able to put up with Mike's issues. As an only son who only had a sister, the fighting was intimidating to me. (I had a good friend who was the same way with his older brother.) But all of my cousins looked out for me.

I miss you already, cousin. Pray for me. God knows I need it.

Another deceased cousin

Alcoholism claims another member of my family. 

i used to think of myself

as a man of faith

The Accident

the autumn after my 12th birthday, my dad (adoptive) was in a very serious car accident. he was on his way to pittsburgh on a business trip and his car veered off the road into a guardrail. the only reason he didn't go through it, they said, was because he was driving a rear-engine volkswagen beetle with more of the weight distributed to the rear of the car. they said that he had fallen asleep at the wheel, and my mom wondered whether there was alcohol involved, as he frequently drank and drove. 

these things probably represent the most likely scenario. it got him sober for a little while, through either an ethical compromise by or the incompetence of our family physician. he told dad that alcohol use might interfere with the recovery of the damaged muscle nerve in his eye. i think he didn't drink for about three months, until the neurosurgeon who didn't know his history told him that was not going to affect his prognosis. anyway, his quality of life took a turn for the worse after the accident, as the loss of functionality of his eye affected his ability to do so many of the athletic activities he loved. this probably led, more than any other single event, to his decision the summer i turned 14 to end his life. but the booze and the son who disappointed him probably contributed, too.

but this morning i am wondering whether the accident was because he decided to turn the wheel.