The Accident

the autumn after my 12th birthday, my dad (adoptive) was in a very serious car accident. he was on his way to pittsburgh on a business trip and his car veered off the road into a guardrail. the only reason he didn't go through it, they said, was because he was driving a rear-engine volkswagen beetle with more of the weight distributed to the rear of the car. they said that he had fallen asleep at the wheel, and my mom wondered whether there was alcohol involved, as he frequently drank and drove. 

these things probably represent the most likely scenario. it got him sober for a little while, through either an ethical compromise by or the incompetence of our family physician. he told dad that alcohol use might interfere with the recovery of the damaged muscle nerve in his eye. i think he didn't drink for about three months, until the neurosurgeon who didn't know his history told him that was not going to affect his prognosis. anyway, his quality of life took a turn for the worse after the accident, as the loss of functionality of his eye affected his ability to do so many of the athletic activities he loved. this probably led, more than any other single event, to his decision the summer i turned 14 to end his life. but the booze and the son who disappointed him probably contributed, too.

but this morning i am wondering whether the accident was because he decided to turn the wheel.

i guess i'm always going to be living for others

last night i decided

that today would be the day. 
this morning i decided that it isn't.

M-I-C

now it's time to say goodbye
to all our company

this blog has become mostly a bitching space. that isn't good for me.

truth is: life hurts, in old and new ways. but i don't need to remind myself of that. i'm not sure my outlet has been a good idea.

maybe i'm singing the wrong song here, though. in The Wall, Goodbye Cruel World is the song in which Pink closes himself off from the world. maybe that's a better choice as i deal with things.

how very much i love and miss you, dear reader(s).

guess i'll just figure out how to deal with this on my own.

that, too.

what a screwup

Today's words

Several from the Dictionary Devil that I could tell were new(ish), and one that surprised me. Let's start with the marginally familiar ones:

exiguity /ˌeg-zi-ˈgyü-ə-tē/ - the quality or state of being exiguous : SCANTINESS

I've definitely encountered this word before, and without sufficient context it chases me to the dictionary every time

pyrrhic /ˈpir-ik/ - a metrical foot consisting of two short or unaccented syllables

I was familiar with the adjective that describes a heavy-priced victory, and believe I'd encountered this noun before but don't remember for certain

vinculum /viŋ-kyə-ləm/ - 1. a unifying bond : LINK, TIE  2. a straight horizontal mark placed over two or more members of a compound mathematical expression and equivalent to parentheses or brackets about them

I'm pretty sure I've heard of the second definition at some point in my engineering education. But I don't think I've encountered the first before.

loophole /ˈlüp-ˌhōl/ -  1a. a small opening through which small arms may be fired  b. a similar opening to admit light and air or to permit observation 2. a means of escape  especially : an ambiguity or omission in the text through which the intent of a statute, contract, or obligation may be evaded 

These days, everyone has heard of the second definition. I'm thinking I may have encountered the first before, too, but maybe only once, and it definitely threw me for a loop while solving the puzzle.