Today's word

bludge /BLUJ/ - 1. (chiefly Australia & New Zealand) to avoid work or responsibility
2. (chiefly Australia & New Zealand) to get something from or live on another by imposing on hospitality or good nature : sponge

I had to click through to see why I'd never heard of this word. It's obviously because I've never been to Australia or New Zealand. 

Hello

Your name is Inigo Montoya.

I killed your father.

More anagrams

Obverse, observe, and verbose

Not just "much younger," actually

In my last post, I spoke of what would happen if "someone much younger" offered themself to me. But that was because of the context of the weekend's posts. The same thing would be true regardless of who lost their mind in that way.

40 years ago right now

We were driving back home to MD. He had done his damage control, talking about how "weird" the previous night had been, making sure that I wasn't going to tell anyone what "we" had done, especially my mom.

Over time, I came to understand the periodic extracurricular activity as the cost of his patronage, his interest in me. I didn't tell mom for nearly 20 years, when I was in therapy. It was nearly a decade before I told anyone at all, and then with an ulterior, if unconscious, motive. And also, until therapy, with the mistaken notion that it was something from my past that hadn't affected me much.

I have come to realize that even my complicit participation, including that first night, is on him.  If a much younger person offered themselves sexually to me today, (I sincerely hope and anticipate that) I would graciously decline, and insist that God has a far better plan for us, for them. I wouldn't take advantage of their vulnerability and naivete.

This weekend of remembering has been very hard.  There have been times when I have wanted to physically hurt myself. I've also been tempted to pursue aspects of desire that are not God's will for me. I have thus far managed to turn away from these temptations, and to trust that God's plan is better. But I don't therefore imagine that the battle for my mind and heart - and to determine where my trust truly lies - is over.

40 years ago right now

I was making the mistake that he'd use to keep abusing me for the next 20 months.

I woke up aroused.

And I stupidly got into his bed.

It's the thing from that weekend I still can't forgive myself for.

40 years ago. Right now.

This is adult material. I'll try not to be too explicit. There are plenty of details I am remembering beyond these. 

He was standing in front of me. Between me and the door. He'd gotten out of the shower, and stood there in his skivvies. Within a minute or two he pulled them down and started masturbating. And he begged me to take mine out and "just let him see it." I stood there, mostly mute. I'd said no, but I didn't go anywhere. Where was I going to go? He kept at it, kept asking me. I didn't know what to do. I was somehow repulsed and yet aroused at the same time. He pointed out my arousal. He insisted that I did this myself, right? And then he said that he just wanted to watch me do what i already did. Then he'd stop for a while. He didn't want to finish by himself, I guess. I must've stood there for over a half hour, resisting his repeated entreaties. 

Before I gave in.

And he didn't just watch.

 After, I felt so. Very. FILTHY.