Create in me . . .

I know that it has long since been time to recommit myself to banishing the last traces of my stepfather's attitudes from my life.  Yet for the life of me I find myself clinging to his perspective.  I don't blame this on him, as it is entirely possible I'd have embraced the world's point of view even without him; after all, I'd certainly already taken steps along that road when he entered my life.  So even though I've never acted in accordance with those attitudes, chasing after cheap gratification in ways that casually disregard my loved ones and any commitment to purity, that part of me that still feels that I've "missed out on the 'fun'" has got to go.

I can't root it out myself, Lord.  Help me.

What a wonderful day!  We were expecting to be blown out of sailing by winds that were just too strong to be in everyone's comfort zone.  Instead, we were able to go out for a day sail of a couple hours.  Yes, the winds were pretty strong, and even using only the mainsail we were heeling over pretty well and moving right along.  I got some time at the helm, and really enjoyed it.  But before too long the winds were picking up a little more, and we headed back in.

After docking in an alternate location due to the high winds making it too challenging to get into our slip, and after helping two other boats get into theirs - though the wind was slightly less during their dockings - we had lunch on the boat, then headed back to the trailer for some relaxation time.  After a nice nap, our hosts' friends came over and we enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, played cards (Polish rummy), and called it a night.  Oh, and I think I probably drank more in one day than in almost any recent week, though gradually throughout the day, so was never felt at all even tipsy, let alone inebriated.  

Am hoping we'll be able to get in a little more time under sail today!

Learning to live with myself

A lesson that's so hard to learn

Even locked down in a prison

There's a cellmate with friendship to earn

It's harder to face up to the mirror

Leave all the habits on the shelf

Until He gives me the call

The hardest of all

Will be learning to live with myself - Merle Haggard

No more night light

As a courtesy to one another, my wife and I typically leave a light on in the bedroom for whichever one of us goes to bed last.  (I'm almost always in bed before her.)  We have a clip light in a window behind a curtain which serves this purpose pretty well without casting so much light into the room that it keeps us from going to sleep.  Those curtains are a fairly heavy material, so they also block and diffuse the morning sunlight pretty well.

So when I woke up, I was surprised to see that it was already daylight, and that Teri was up and out of the room already, to the point that she'd neatly pulled the sheet and covers up on her side of the bed.  The dog was out of the room, too.  I couldn't figure out how I'd slept so much later than she had.  I knew I hadn't heard her alarm, and figured she hadn't just gotten up and gone out to the sofa during the night - as each of us tends to do out of courtesy for the other when we're having trouble sleeping - as she wouldn't have made her side of the bed in that case.  Finally I rolled over to look at the clock, and was shocked to see I'd slept past noon.  I didn't panic over being late for work, as it didn't register that today was a work day.  But finally everything coalesced into an accurate picture of reality: it was only a little past midnight.

And, of course, the light in the room was from the light I'd left on for her when I'd gone to bed 90 minutes before.  I'd apparently fallen asleep quickly and soundly.  From now on, she's going to have to make due with the light from the hallway which, on the other side of a closed door, should keep me from having such a complete - or at least completely misinterpreted - awakening.

If there's one trait I hate it's hypocrisy.  I come by that honestly.  My mom always emphasized the importance of integrity and fairness.

According to the person whose opinion most matters, I'm a great hypocrite. Apparently, I have a double standard for "practically everything."  Even given overnight to chew on it and a clear indication of how much it hurt me, there was not a hint of a retraction or a qualification of that opinion.

And I value her opinion very highly.

That she loves me anyway isn't really very consoling.  "You're what you hate worst, but I love you anyway . . ."?  That just isn't working for me.

It really hurts when the person you love most gives voice to your own self-accusation.

I know which dwarf I am!

Okay, there's no doubt about it: I'm Sleepy, I just don't know what to do about it.  I was in bed by 10:30 last night, woke briefly once during the night and quickly returned to sleep, and didn't wake up again until the alarm went off this morning.  So why was I still nodding off at my desk, even to the point that I was dreaming music to accompany my dozing?

(In case you're wondering, it was frantic piano music, in the style of the opening licks of Flight of the Bumblebee,  only without the pauses, and with a driving bass drum beat in 4/4)

So, what happens when I'm certain that God wants to give me a gift - or as certain as I can be - and I keep proving over and over again that I don't want it?

I suppose that what happens is that I ask for the humility to ask for what I am lacking: both the gift and the desire for it.