her 33rd anniversary was yesterday
i spent most of the day lamenting that i was the only one who remembered
then i finally broke silence and posted about it on fb
and found out one other person did too
that was welcome company
no mention, though, from the one who should have
instead we had a pretty huge argument before bed
im so tired
and alone
some days a meme asks a harmless question
what did your parents make you eat
that you still don't eat now?
soap, my friend said
and I wondered what
had issued forth
from his mouth
to cause that lesson
Then I thought
my dad's penis
and it got dead silent inside
as i recalled the taste of urine
put it back in your mouth, he said
i don't want to, i protested
embarrassed, ashamed
then don't ask your sister to do it
his daughter, he didn't say
but that's when i should've known i'm not his son
i hadn't known what blow me meant
and then i still didn't
some days crashing come the memories
smashing me to pieces
trashing my happy facade
way worse was yet to come
after he ate the bullet
and the next one took me under his wing
some days I think it'd've been better
if my single mom
hadn't been pro-life
Sometimes--often lately--I wonder how I can continue to believe what I have long professed. If the Church is really guided by a Holy Spirit that reveals and helps us discern the Way, the Truth, the Life, how can we be so divided in our judgment of the former President? It isn't just that the man has never made a declaration of faith in Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, and is unable to quote a favorite passage of Scripture. That I know of, he has never claimed to be a Christian, so I would be a fool to criticize him for not being what he has never claimed. The terrible way that he treats and speaks of other people is all it takes to see that the inspired love of God for all His people is not in him. And yet so many allegedly Spirit-filled people have fallen all over themselves to undermine their witness of Jesus Christ to declare this man's greatness.
I understand that the Spirit works through us collectively, and that our discernment is primarily about things of God, not of the world. And I also understand that the Spirit often works through those who are not open to him, as well. (See Pharaoh, Nebuchadnezzar, et al.)
Then a moment of realization in the middle of the night helps me to hope again.
I've found myself struggling with how to respond to someone who is indebted to us. We were promised partial repayment right away and payment in full last month. All we've heard is crickets. As a result, I've felt taken advantage of and neglected in our relationship. And in the middle of the night when I was struggling to sleep and thinking of this, I thought of my mom on her birthday and the debt she forgave me. I had to borrow money from her twice, a pretty sizable amount the second time. (About what we're owed.) And in a moment I was reminded of Matthew 18: 21-35, which I have frequently featured in my talk to lay the groundwork for the gift of forgiveness that God shares with us and helps us to share with others. I am not speaking of the forgiveness of our wrongdoing, but the gift of forgiving others that God wants to give us. He doesn't want us bound by unforgiveness.
And it occurred to me that here is living Scripture coming back to me in a parable that describes circumstances that directly apply to me, and I have a decision to make: I can be a good, forgiving, merciful person, or I can be an ungrateful, unforgiving wretch. And no matter how I dress up the latter in my rationale, I will be accountable for how I respond.
