guess i'll just figure out how to deal with this on my own.

that, too.

what a screwup

Today's words

Several from the Dictionary Devil that I could tell were new(ish), and one that surprised me. Let's start with the marginally familiar ones:

exiguity /ˌeg-zi-ˈgyü-ə-tē/ - the quality or state of being exiguous : SCANTINESS

I've definitely encountered this word before, and without sufficient context it chases me to the dictionary every time

pyrrhic /ˈpir-ik/ - a metrical foot consisting of two short or unaccented syllables

I was familiar with the adjective that describes a heavy-priced victory, and believe I'd encountered this noun before but don't remember for certain

vinculum /viŋ-kyə-ləm/ - 1. a unifying bond : LINK, TIE  2. a straight horizontal mark placed over two or more members of a compound mathematical expression and equivalent to parentheses or brackets about them

I'm pretty sure I've heard of the second definition at some point in my engineering education. But I don't think I've encountered the first before.

loophole /ˈlüp-ˌhōl/ -  1a. a small opening through which small arms may be fired  b. a similar opening to admit light and air or to permit observation 2. a means of escape  especially : an ambiguity or omission in the text through which the intent of a statute, contract, or obligation may be evaded 

These days, everyone has heard of the second definition. I'm thinking I may have encountered the first before, too, but maybe only once, and it definitely threw me for a loop while solving the puzzle. 

Nice quote

"People don't run out of dreams, people just run out of time." Glenn Frye

but not true. 

The challenge . . .

. . . of living what i believe and profess

The difference between now and before

(that is, before we were ever friends.)

over the course of twenty years, i'd completely forgotten what it felt like to actually want to live for my own sake. that's how long it had been. i'm talking about more than the mere the hope that things might get to where i'd want to again. actually, that hadn't been there either. but an actual consistent source of joy based on real experiences i could count on had been largely absent, except for brief exceptions to which i desperately clung like a lifeline in a raging storm. 

then, for a brief time . . . well, i find that i can't describe the sublime joy that i found in being your friend. you enjoyed my company and i enjoyed yours. and there was never a desire for an inappropriate physical or even emotional connection. it was just the pleasure of your friendship. i realize now that that ended for you long before it did for me. i'm sorry, first because i ruined it, and secondly because i was too fucking obtuse to notice.

so now that we aren't friends at all (basically, i have to conclude this, based on your last communique and your silence thereafter), i'm back where i used to be. there has been incremental improvement, but mostly my life is back to the status quo. the difference between now and before is that now i remember how very nice it felt to to be glad to be alive, and i am always sad about it.

(it probably doesn't help matters that i'm always physically exhausted now, too.)

wait, though: don't i have plenty of people whose company i enjoy?

yeah, i do.

but ask me how many of them accept me for who i am. 

and, it turns out, neither do you.

hello darkness, my old enemy
always exhausted now
a few insistent thoughts persist
how i miss you
useless efforts to distract myself
the unspoken darkest one
self accusations