Beginning Monday, my work area will be positioned with my back to the room. 

I hate that.

(yet another echo of an abused childhood)

My brain doesn't seem to be working

i don't know if it's depression, lack of sleep, or both

Being there

Rough day for our daughter and grandchildren yesterday. Don't think we're getting the full picture, but then, we really don't need it. Just need to be a pillar for them.

For godddaughter, too.

We all need somebody to lean on . . . 

Thank God for work

where there is no question of who i am

icantexplaintoanyonewhatalliswrong

noone
ineedhelpbuticantgetit
allicanthinkisiwanttodie
ivebeenthinkingitforever
welldecadesthethoughtsarestrongerlatelyprobablycategory4
iguessistilldontbelieveideserveanybetterthantokeepfeelingthisway

Today's word

friend /frend/ - 1. someone who doesn't consider it an imposition - or a favor - to make time for your shit, when they get a chance, but also 2. someone who understands that you don't always have time for their shit 3. someone who isn't willing to watch one of your lowest moments even when the internet keeps serving it up on a silver platter

NANANANANANANANANANANANA

NANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANA

Don't mind me. Just trying to drown out tonight's awful memories.

I suppose that . . .

. . . this will need to be a series of decisions throughout the weekend that carry out my initial one.

Making a conscious decision . . .

. . . to not relive those awful memories all weekend. Last year, the 40th anniversary, was a different matter. But I'm not going to make this an annual tradition, and to whatever degree it has already become one, I'm going to break it. 

Thanksgiving weekend . . .

. . . is always really hard for me. 

it all started then. 

and i'm still all alone in it.


if you see that i have gone to see Bohemian Rhapsody this weekend, please check in on me. That will be a very bad sign.

Have I recently broken Mom's cardinal rule?

Might have, anyway. The big one, that probably contributed in multiple ways to my existence:

"Don't write a check with your mouth that your ass can't cash."

can't.

and yes, Mom, that still means "don't want to."

Today's word

susurrous /soo-SUR-us/ - full of whispering sounds

It pleases me that there is also a noun susurrus, and also that the usage example of the noun they provide in the WOTD post is from Stephen King.

What am i?

A fraud and failure?
A beloved son in mid-transformation?
How can even I know the difference?

The answer is in the parable of the wheat and the weeds. I can't pull me up prematurely. Will be sorted out at harvest, and I won't be the One deciding.

Nice writing

"Comment sections turned cynical, 'this is clickbait!' being the most common refrain, then outright ugly and hostile as discourse on the internet has devolved into a garbage fire inside a waste processing plant atop a landfill built on a massive skunk burial ground." - Kevin Alexander

"His office looked like a tornado hit an Office Max then dumped supplies directly into a college dorm room." - Kevin Alexander

Today's words

Three new words from a single Dictionary Devil puzzle this morning. I've listed them in increasing likelihood of my ever encountering or using them in the wild:

instar /ˈin-ˌstär/ - a stage in the life of an arthropod (such as an insect) between two successive molts
also : an individual in a specified instar

I suppose it's probably odd to think that I'm more likely to need the "also" definition than the primary one. 

florilegium /ˌflȯr-ə-ˈlē-j(ē-)əm/ plural florilegia /ˌflȯr-​ə-​ˈlē-​j(ē-​)ə/ - a volume of writings : anthology

The flowery source of this word is evident. Nice word.

viridity /və-ˈri-də-tē/ - 1a. the quality or state of being green  b. the color of grass or foliage  2. naive innocence

I think I may have encountered this word in its first sense, and might not have thought to list it here if the puzzle hadn't used the second sense. I suppose I am jealous of those whose life didn't crush this form of viridity out of them before they'd matured sufficiently for the word to apply to them.  

it's amazing . . .

. . . how God can manifest His love in my life when i share the worst truth about myself in a room full of people and they share mercy and grace and compassion with me.

and it's amazing how that can still fail to bring much comfort when i've been hurt or even rejected by someone or, in this case, more than one someone, who means the world to me.

i know: i'm having a gratitude problem. thank you, Lord, for protecting me from myself: from sin, doubt, depression, despair.

Saw this today. And this.

I find that it helps me, actually, to consider where I am, relatively. 

Kevin Hines' story probably helps the most, though.

And no, dear reader, I'm not planning. 

I have hope

Had a really difficult and important conversation today with the person I most needed to. I know it's difficult for her, too. I'm hopeful again as a result.

Do you remember . . . ?

. . . how silly we used to be, back when we were dating, when ending our phone calls? 

we'd each wait for the other to hang up first. neither of us wanted to be the one who ended the call.

i've done that a few times recently. you always hang up, though. 

i know it's stupid for that to bother me. you don't know. i don't know how to tell you.

i'm so alone.

i don't think I can ever fix what's wrong. 

i love you.

Note to self: remember to bless others.

I got an almost apology . . .

. . . from my wife about making me a "sewing widower" while she's been working on stuff for the Christmas bazaar.

I guess she doesn't realize that it's really no different from being a television widower every. freaking. night.

goodbye.
the turtle returns to his shell now.

when you want . . .

 . . . to L😍VE something on a friend's timeline but you can't because the last time they communicated with you they basically suggested that you might be cyber stalking them, and you're worried that even still reading their stuff makes it true.

More Bob Bennett

I don't think I'm supposed to tell you
Just how much this means to me
And how I can't uncross the lines
Between this thing I do and the man I'm supposed to be
There's a question in the back of my mind
Who knows what is really true?
I sing these songs and you listen to me
But who's doing the favor for who?

Ref:
I am singing for my life
I am singing, singing
Singing for my life now

It seems almost all of my life
I've held onto the piece of wood
And sometimes I am tempted to think
It's the only time that I can do any good
Sometimes when I stand up to play
I am a lonely and desperate man
These songs are the only prayers I can pray
And I sing them just as hard as I can

Ref.

And in the middle of the congregation
Voices are raised and hearts are pure
I carry a deep, dark secret
Even now I am so unsure
Then I pray, "Oh Lord, come and tear me apart
May the words in my mouth fall to my heart
Remind me why I live and breathe
Is it not to know you?
Is it not to believe?"

I am singing for my life
I am singing, singing
Singing for my life now
Singing for my life
Now 

And sometimes i can't even sing

How it is for everyone

Nobody knows me but You. - Bob Bennett, My Secret Heart

Every time I start to lament, Lord, that there's no one in my life who wants to really know me, please remind me that this is how it's supposed to be.