When you have a middle of the day, very-briefly-nodding-off-at-your-desk dream in which you are sobbing, "I'm not strong enough. I'm not strong enough," as you meet the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.

(and I'm not even a fan of royalty, though I don't have anything against them.)

I'm so tired.

Today's word

cathexis /kuh-THEK-sis / - investment of mental or emotional energy in a person, object, or idea

Regarding the second example: sometimes authentic commitment is all the cement a foolish young couple needs to transform mere cathexis into something more lasting.

back on track for a couple days, but not feeling very sanguine about it . . .

Today's words

From a cool Words at Play post (all pronunciations and definitions are informed guesses, since none of these words are listed on the site):

grawlix /ˈgrȯl-iks/ - a series of unpronounceable characters used to represent a vulgarity, commonly in comics

briffit /ˈbri-fit/ - in a comic, the cloud of dust left when a character or object makes a quick departure

plewds /ˈplüds/ - drops of sweat that are shown in a comic when a character is under stress

definitely zero. even without. 

I'm such a fucking failure at this.

Measuring progress

There's no point in this if I'm not going to be honest. There's no qualifying it with technicality or degree. Perhaps later, if it turns out this doesn't follow past patterns, I might revisit this, but lacking solid evidence: 

zero

dammit

Today's words

From the Dictionary Devil:

exanimate /eg-ˈza-nə-mət/ - 1. lacking animation : spiritless  2. being or appearing lifeless

Didn't have any trouble matching this one to it's definition. Was looking for something close to this based on the roots.

ferruginous /fə-ˈrü-jə-nəs, fe-/ - 1. of, relating to, or containing iron a ferruginous soil 2.  resembling iron rust in color

Again, the roots made this one obvious, even though I hadn't encountered it before. The puzzle used the second definition.

saltatorial /ˌsal-tə-ˈtȯr-ē-əl , ˌsȯl-/ - 1. relating to, marked by, or adapted for leaping: saltatorial legs of a grasshopper

I knew this wasn't going to be too closely related to sartorial; related to "something," sure, but I had no idea what. 

Measuring progress

Over four weeks now. Some days I feel confident, others I'm sure I'm going to fail. Both types of days, God has reminded me to depend on Him.

Another dream

I'm not sure what to make of them. I certainly know not to conclude that I'm gay. 

So far, I am not letting them lead me into fantasy, but trusting in God's revealed plan for my life.

I've been doing so well

After my dream this morning, I feel as if I'm clinging to the edge by my fingernails.

Grace. Must remember that it isn't me, it's God.

Disturbing dream

The dream was graphic. I'm not including the details, but still, you should stop reading if you don't want to know this about me.

In it, I was visiting my uncle, who was still alive. In my dream, he shared the long-term obsession from which I've felt the Lord has been delivering me for the last month or so. In my dream, I shared with him where I think that obsession came from and why it was so hurtful to me.

At first he was patient with me, understanding that I didn't want to give in to this desire. But eventually he tempted me anyway. I resisted by saying that I would feel like a piece of defecatory material if I did. He replied that this was the purpose of it. Then I woke up.

The first thing I realized was that my uncle is still dead. I miss him so much, and he would never have done anything like this to me.

The second thing I remembered was to interpret dreams as if every element represents me in some way. That actually fit, especially the reminder at the end, which is very important for me to remember!

The third thing I remembered was to ask God to help me in my weakness.

(Added: The aftermath of this dream is that this temptation that had been so far removed from my thoughts for the last month has been in the forefront of my mind all day. Failure feels inevitable again.)

Happy grandpa, sad grandpa

It was really nice that our second-oldest grandson came over for a while yesterday.

It was really disappointing that our oldest grandson bailed out on us for dinner.

A dark moment takes me by surprise

"Not that we long to die . . . " our pastor said in his Easter homily, in the context of our eternal life in Christ giving us perspective on death.

"The hell I don't," my brain insisted.