Three big anniversaries this past week

Well, four, but there is coincidence among them.

Our second-youngest granddaughter's birthday was Saturday. She was born on our oldest nephew's birthday, though he never met her, having passed away a few years previously.

I will never forget Chuck. I first met him when he was a boy and I was dating his aunt, in high school. He was a fun kid to be around, and as he grew he developed a strong love for the theater. But what I remember best about him was how he greeted me the first time I saw him after my well-deserved exile from the family. I don't know how much he may have struggled with it beforehand, but when he saw me he walked right up to me and hugged me, without hesitation. I've been blessed with much forgiveness and reconciliation, and I've since received such instant acceptance from others when they learn of my past, but he was the first, and I hope I always feel appropriately grateful to him for it. We were really pleased when our granddaughter was born on his birthday. Chuck had already passed on by then.

That weekend was the most incredible experience of life and death. After we went to the hospital to meet our newest granddaughter on the day she was born, on Wednesday of Thanksgiving weekend, we immediately departed for Maryland, where my wife's mom was near death. We had Thanksgiving dinner with the family, and on Saturday of that weekend, surrounded by her family, mom went home. Yesterday was the eighth anniversary of her passing. Her feelings toward and treatment of me were different from her oldest grandson's, though I didn't learn the extent of the former for some time. I respect that she always treated me respectfully - even affectionately - despite her internal resentment. I have come to believe that it can be a genuinely loving sacrifice to respond to someone in ways that are inconsistent with our feelings toward them, and I appreciate that she made it. (Our oldest grandson missed her funeral because he had an emergency appendectomy in MD.)

The other anniversary, which we observe today, is the passing two years later of my wife's dad. He took some time to come around toward me, but genuinely forgave me, and in the end greatly helped me to understand what I could and could not do about other family members' feelings. He became an advocate for reconciliation in his family, and time has unfortunately undone some of his efforts, although not for my part. He was probably a much better father-in-law than he was a father, especially with regard to raising his oldest sons. I came to understand that he regretted what he didn't understand when they were young, but I believe he ended up having solid relationships with each of them. He was a great gift to me, and a better influence as a father figure than I otherwise ever had in my life.

Can't unsee that

This phrase has taken on connotations of applying mainly to images that we judge to be repulsive. But the ones that matter more to me are those that are alluring to excess. Their influence in the mind can linger long.

My darling,

I'm glad you've read this. I will restore my posts, and I will keep posting here. Keep reading.  You have discovered months or years of my frustrations in a single day.

Let us both rediscover our love over the rest of our lives.

Yes, I get frustrated with our relationship sometimes, and sometimes in ways that neither of us can change. But what I said is true: I still love you, and can't imagine life without you.

"Surely,"

he thought, foolishly, "after them cooking and me washing all the dishes, I won't have to ask her to put them away!"

An unexpected text/test

I didn't recognize the number, and was surprised by the name in it and the nature of the link that it contained.

I'm pleased with how I ultimately responded to this, telling my wife about it and sending a FB message to the woman assuming that one or the other of us has been hacked.

I'm pretty annoyed with myself for the thoughts that I entertained before doing so . . . and since.

Home again

It is good to be back here.

We had a really nice weekend. (Pretty sure I've said that already. Sorry, dear reader.)

I am so tired!

I overthink it

when someone changes their plans in order to be more distant from me, to either spend less time with me or share less of their thoughts and feelings. It really doesn't matter who; I always wonder what I've done wrong, or how I've been someone they'd rather keep more distance from. Of course, some people's distance hurts more than others, even though everyone has as much right to it.

Formerly, I'd always just attribute that to my past, or "console" myself with the knowledge that my past was reason enough even if they didn't know about it. Now I'm finally beyond that dynamic. I know that's a good thing, at the same time that I observe that it was easier that way.

Donne may have been right about no man being an island, but I imagine that a good many of us feel like one. I certainly often do, despite my friends' and loved ones' best efforts.

What a nice weekend.

And two more days of it left.

Pies until 2:30 a.m.

I think it's easier to just host.

One entry was all it took . . .

 . . . for my mind to wander off on a flashback to another lifetime.

I followed the "browse thesaurus" link for the first time at the Merriam-Webster site. For no particular reason, I then clicked on the letter "h," followed by the word "hairbreadth." And with that, my mind insisted on flashing back to the abbreviation "r.c.h.," which I hadn't thought of in decades.

But I was pretty surprised to see it included so (relatively) exhaustively in the Wikipedia entry for Hair's breadth. You'll be comforted to know that their discussion matches the relative explanation of the three unscientific terms as we understood them "back in the day" during my enlisted career.

Cumulative and present truth

I'm pretty sure that there will never be a day on which I will feel that you have finally gotten all that you deserve from me as your husband.

sigh

😢

I want to protest that I'm doing the best I can by you, but I don't really believe it.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

You deserve better from me.

So much to do, so little time

Just realized that I let the calendar eat up my preparation activity time, so have to sacrifice at least some of prayer group tonight. My to-do list:

• bake cornbread
• make pie crusts
• par-bake bottom pie crusts
• make pumpkin and mince pies
• make cranberry sauce
• toast breads for stuffing

Oh, not much!

What I wanted to say next . . .

. . . would have been gross and highly inappropriate.

or funny and highly inappropriate.

but, at a minimum, highly inappropriate.

Today's word

Well, yesterday's WOTD:

nictitate /NIK-tuh-tayt/ - 1. to close and open quickly : to shut one eye briefly : wink  2. to close and open the eyelids

Its rare predecessor, too: nictate.
It's probably better if I just treasure the rest of my thoughts about this word in my heart. 

Need to commit . . .

. . . to regular early morning workouts, or my mornings are going to get away from me, and not in good ways.

The problem is, there isn't anyone in my life to commit these with, right now, besides myself, except for that monthly early morning swim - the other monthly swim session is on Saturday evening.

My problem with too-frequent workouts

I ran 3.58 miles last night, in the dark. Then I swam 800 yards today with Team RWB. I was hoping to get a half-mile in, but knew that goal was in jeopardy when my feet started cramping within the first 50 yards, despite my efforts to stay well hydrated today. I'm pretty sure it was because of having run last night.

I was able to nurse myself through the entire workout that our "not-trainer" left for us, but definitely was not doing all the kicking I normally would have, and on some laps had to switch strokes in order to finish them at all. During the last lap the cramping was so bad I couldn't fathom doing the extra four lengths it would take to reach my goal. Still, I'm pleased for working out in the pool, and look forward to my next chance to dive back in.

Today's word - edited

meshuggener /muh-SHUG-uh-ner/ - a foolish or crazy person

Hey, if the shoe fits, I suppose I should wear it. I think I may have heard this word in my youth; he may have denied vociferously after his conversion - that is, from well before I was ever born - but my grandfather was Jewish.

I meant to mention this when I first posted this: just as the word "niggardly," despite its similar sound, has nothing to do with race, this word has nothing to do with the Great Lakes State.

Today's word

lambent /LAM bunt/ - 1. playing lightly on or over a surface : flickering  2. softly bright or radiant 3. marked by lightness or brilliance especially of expression

A word I've seen before and always understood from context, but am glad of the opportunity to see on its own, where I didn't recognize it at first. (This is kind of like the time our daughter gave birth to her oldest child and we ran into a friend - whom we'd known from church and covenant community, had seen them twice in the same year seven years before, but had never seen outside of Mississippi - at the hospital because her daughter had moved here and was in false labor. Her face looked familiar, but it took us a moment to realize from where, because seeing her here was so out of context.)

Huge heart smile

When a dear friend from overseas asks you for your current cranberry sauce recipe and you realize that means you'll be sharing Thanksgiving dinner together across the ocean!

Giving thanks to God for both of you, for your friendship and your service (especially in unsettled times), and praying that God continues to bless your budding family abundantly.

Putting the first thing first

Of course, that is to ensure the safety of the children, both the direct victim of the abuse incident and the others who might likewise be in harm's way. But that goes beyond just protecting her and them from the abuser; it also requires getting whatever help they need to heal now and avoid more difficulty in their own lives down the road. It isn't just the direct victim who is subject to that dynamic; I'm also concerned for her older brother, who audibly witnessed the incident.

Dealing with abuse

Even when you know you've done what you should, it's hard to deal with. How do you respond lovingly, helpfully, therapeutically to everyone who needs it?

And that's without even considering the role one's own mistakes of the past may have played in establishing a dynamic, a pattern, a familiarity that may have played into relationship choices.

Help us, Lord? Please?

Today's word

hyperborean /ˌhī-pər-ˈbȯr-ē-ən, -(ˌ)pər-bə-ˈrē-ən/ - 1. of or relating to an extreme northern region : frozen  2. of or relating to any of the arctic peoples

Pretty sure I've encountered this word before. Will likely not remember it the next time, either, unless the context gives it away.

We'll see where this goes

CPS is opening a case against my former son-in-law. His children, especially the older ones, have lost all respect for him. I sure hope he is able to make the changes that he needs to, but he can be such a stubborn man.

Why, oh why, would I try to get him some help rather than just leave him hang out to dry? But I feel that I must.

(You aren't losing your mind: post temporarily removed in the highly unlikely event that any of his family members ever read my blog.)

Much ado about potentially nothing, but possibly a big deal

As someone who didn't vote for the guy, I think people should at least consider the possibility that "chief strategist" might be code for "important-sounding position with absolutely no responsibility or influence, to pacify the rabid (racist and sexist) dogs who helped get me elected."

Yes, I realize I've just insulted dogs. Sorry. 

But I will withhold from reaching a conclusion on the matter, for the present.

No, that isn't "discipline"

Yes, a child who gets sent home from school for behavioral issues needs consequences.

No, beating that almost 8-year-old child so hard and so long that she vomits, then making her clean up the vomit, and leaving your handprints on her backside that are still visible two days later, is not proper discipline. It is abuse.

This happened when she went to her father's house for the weekend, three days after the school called him because she needed to be sent home and they couldn't get hold of our daughter, who isn't allowed to receive phone calls at work.

Her brother corroborated this incident. He didn't see it, but heard it.

Get help, dude. You need it. Perhaps the legal system will help you to realize that.

I slept on the downstairs sofa last night. I wasn't willing to be asleep safely in my bed in the unlikely event that he finished going off the deep end and invaded my home, where the other two siblings were sleeping so that they wouldn't be a distraction to - or distracted by - the visit from the police.

Today's pageview zip code

Jeffersonville, IN 47130 - We used to have friends - I've always believed those words to be somewhat tragic - whom we met when we were neighbors in base housing and the husband and I were both attending the local university an education and commissioning program. Our kids and theirs were around the same age, and we'd frequently have Friday movie and pizza nights together. Things got weird before we graduated; the wife went a little off the deep end and had gone crazy over a lifeguard at the swimming pool. I started to go a bit nuts with her, as she was determine to prove to me that I wasn't as "in control" as I thought myself to be. We were making out, actually, when I got the call that my sister had died, which put the kibosh on any attraction I felt for her. After they moved away we saw them a couple times, and once I really thought she may have been trying to pick things back up with me, but I completely ignored that perceived opportunity; there's more than half a chance that it may not have been one, anyway.

A few years later we were invited to their daughter's wedding (in this zip code), and were even invited to stay with the family in her sister's fairly big home. We'd gotten to know the sister when she'd visited the family when we were in school. By now our middle daughter was married, or at least engaged; the "kids" were mostly bunking in the same room. The morning of the wedding, our friend talked about how one of the other young women came to her room in tears because she couldn't sleep due to my daughter's and son-in-law's snoring. She thought it was the most hilarious thing, so much so that she kept going on and on about it. Then, after the wedding when we were gathered in another location for the gift opening, she made a big deal out of regaling everyone with the entire "hilarious" account once again.

My daughter and son-in-law were deeply embarrassed and hurt. I think the other young lady may have been equally so. We soon left to go back to her sister's house, gather our things, and head home. The sister, for her part, was very apologetic over the entire incident, making it a point to express her disappointment in our friend.

I sincerely hope she has figured things out since then.

Can't prove it

It's like eleven years of my life just didn't happen. Going to have to dig out my DD214 when I get home so that I can eventually prove that I'm a veteran.

Happy Veteran's Day to me.

Today's word

ukase /yoo-KAYSS/ - 1. a proclamation by a Russian emperor or government having the force of law 2a. a proclamation having the force of law  b. order, command

How the President-elect seemed, during the campaign, to think he is going to be able to govern. Unfortunately, the extensive use of executive order by recent chief executives and the dysfunctional relationship between executive and legislative branches has significantly undermined the constitutional balance of powers, making the ukase a too casually accepted way for a President to implement his agenda.

I still suck. 

Failure.
I suck.

At least

. . . the proverbial football widow (which my bride has never been) only had to deal with it two days a week, though I suppose that isn't true anymore.

I mustn't . . .

 . . . use someone else's persistent disinterest as my "excuse" to return to my chains.

Trusting in God

Because I feel pretty much drained of everything else.

A comment on one of my daughter's posts

I've said this for a lot of elections: my faith is not in our system of government.

We've never had such a terrible set of choices - and we chose these choices. Neither of these candidates probably could have beaten anyone else who has ever gotten nominated. But do not despair. God can do amazing things even through the worst choices we make, and we need not look any further than our own family for proof of that. Keep that chin up, precious one. We must be His arms of love, and that is no more or less true today than it has ever been.

Didn't pack enough food

Considering my swim this morning, I should have realized that I'd need more food than I packed for second breakfast and lunch. Fortunately, there is an abundance of options around here for lunch.

One of these days . . .

. . . I'm sure to simultaneously have both temptation and time. Meanwhile, I give thanks to God for continuing to keep me in line.

The reason I lacked time this morning: nice swim! It's sweet working with someone who knows how to improve my stroke, even though she's not actually a coach; I can really feel my form coming together. I believe may need to buy a new jammer soon, though; these trunks are probably making me work too hard - though that's probably fine for training.

Not even a month yet

And it feels impossible. Are there really people who don't struggle with this?

Annoying 20-teen marketing

11 Jobs More Stable Than Your Last Relationship, beckoned the subject line.

Really? More stable than my last relationship?  We're about to celebrate our 36th anniversary. So, 11 jobs more stable than your last relationship, maybe, marketing person.

I certainly don't plan on working that long. Given my kidneys, I don't even count on living that long.

Don't get me wrong

Yesterday was well worth all the effort, but now I'm really tired.

Pretty sure I sang this in the (since razed) chapel at Shemya

 Day by day and with each passing moment,
Strength I find to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father's wise bestowment,
I've no cause for worry or for fear.
He whose heart is kind beyond all measure
Gives unto each day what He deems best--
Lovingly, its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.

Ev'ry day the Lord Himself is near me
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares He fain would bear, and cheer me,
He whose name is Counselor and Pow'r.
The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
"As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,"
This the pledge to me He made.

Help me then in ev'ry tribulation
So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
That I lose not faith's sweet consolation
Offered me within Thy holy Word.
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
E'er to take, as from a father's hand,
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
Till I reach the promised land.

Reasons gone

Pretty soon now I'm going to need to settle into a set of ordinary reasons, as my situation-specific ones are now past.

A deeply blessed day

Our daughter and son-in-law's convalidation was lovely. Our former pastor did a great job with it. The party was great fun, and isn't over yet. It has been especially nice having all of our daughters and most of their children here, along with so many dear friends and family.

Observing history

I stayed up past 1 a.m. watching as the Chicago Cubs finally won another World Series. I'm glad it was such an entertaining game, worth watching beyond just its historical significance (which, when you realize that it is still just a game, isn't really all that great).

I've been mostly too busy today to be very tired, though.

An inspired moment

We've had a couple newer members of our prayer group who have been seeking prayer after the meeting fairly consistently. In both cases, they have been dealing with a struggle that it would be inappropriate for me to divulge, in the unlikely case that someone from the group should ever read these pages. But I think it's okay for me to share here something of what I felt led to share with them after praying last night, as it relates more broadly.

We often lament the lack of piety that we seem to observe in others who approach the Eucharistic table distractedly. I notice the same thing in myself as I cast a judgment at someone I know well who reads the bulletin during the homily: we are quick to assume an attitude of superiority over others, and it is good for us to be reminded that we have earned neither our place at the table nor the gifts that make us the unique person God has created us to be. We do ourselves a disservice when we disdain others, when we fail to recognize and treasure God's spark within them. But that isn't the point of this observation.

Rather: God's grace is at work through the Sacraments even when we who participate in them are not fully aware and appropriately appreciative - as if we could really be either of these things, since we will not know the full import of the gifts we are given until we have passed through the veil. This is true of every Sacrament, beginning with the baptism of an unaware infant. The grace poured out always transcends the awareness of the participant.

This is true of our marriages, as well, whether they are mostly solid or feel as if they are on shaky ground. As we continue to participate in the Sacrament in which God has called us to our primary vocation, His grace continues to be at work, including when we struggle to perceive it - or even to believe in it without perceiving. As with every other Sacrament in which we partake, our increased awareness of this truth increases its efficacy in our lives. It strengthens us and helps us grow more as we more fully give ourselves to Christ within it.

Today's word

Now here's a new one on me:

temerarious /'tem-uh-RAIR-ee-us/ - marked by temerity : rashly or presumptuously daring

I had a sense of what this one might mean, because I recognized the common roots with temerity. Nice WOTD, Merriam-Webster. But I love that you have also given me a new word for how I long to live: intemerately. 

Why mornings are a struggle

1. They are a time of opportunity. I am alone. 
2. As a result: habit. 
3. He used to awaken me by taking advantage of my physically aroused condition. 

Participating in the hedge of protection

If I'm going to ask God to protect me, and ask the holy saints and souls to intercede on my behalf, then it is important for me to turn away from behaviors that I formerly used as part of my build-up pattern. I used to tell myself that some of these weren't really objectively sinful, but as I look back at them from an increasing distance, they clearly were, and that's in addition to where I used to let them lead me.

Sometimes, though, like the Israelites in the desert, the entire thing I've left behind seems more desirable than I have learned it to be. It seems like Turkish Delight: I remember the sweet indulgence overwhelming my taste buds rather than the nauseating feeling in my stomach after.

I like to think

When my stats show a hit from a part of the world where I know someone, I like to assume that the person I know has read my blog. It makes me feel like I'm connected with someone.

Today's pageview zip code

Fort Wayne, IN  46825  The dear reader has probably read enough about my trip to South Bend and my ride in Three Oaks, so I won't bother with another link to them, although I almost certainly passed through this zip code to get to there. I suppose if I'd realized I'd have so many more opportunities I might have saved some of the details for later.

Today's words

gravid /GRAV-id/ - 1. pregnant 2. distended or full with eggs

Not a brand new word for me, but one I hadn't encountered in long enough that it took me a moment to recall it. 

nostoc /NAH-'stahk/ - 1.  any of a genus (Nostoc) of usually filamentous cyanobacteria that fix nitrogen

Today's Dictionary Devil puzzle gave it as any of a genus of blue-green algae that fix nitrogen. However, Wikipedia's article on cyanobacteria indicates that one of these two definitions is inaccurate, as algae contain membrane-bound organelles and bacteria do not. The Wikipedia entry for nostoc agrees with the definition linked above, as does an article at the Michigan State University Extension website, while Britannica agrees with the puzzle. I lack time to chase any further down this rabbit hole to nail this down definitively. Have at it, and feel free to leave a comment.

assonance /A-suh-nuhns/ -  the use of words that have the same or very similar vowel sounds near one another (as in “summer fun” and “rise high in the bright sky”)

A less familiar word to me than gravid, but not entirely new, also from today's Dictionary Devil, which points out that it is often used in verse as an alternative to true rhyme. 

Same ol'

But I think that's a good thing now.